0% Republican. | "You're a complete liberal, utterly without a trace of Republicanism. Your strength is as the strength of ten because your heart is pure. (You hope.)" |
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
This amuses me....
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Gratitude
I need to give credit where credit is due.
There are times when I find it hard to function. The Darkness has a hold of me and I can't think and it just *hurts* and I hold on the best I can.
During those times, my Awesome Guy takes care of me. He makes sure I eat. (when I have the appetite to eat). He makes sure I am feeling safe, especially because I most often don't during those times. He protects me and comforts me and when I cry, he holds me.
He stands in front of anything that could hurt me and allows me the time I need to mend myself, to heal the hurts deep inside.
It is a precious gift and one that is pretty impossible to pay back.
When I'm feeling well again, I return the favour as best I can. I think he's pretty Awesome in all ways and I'm not shy about telling him or anyone else. I think he's pretty wonderful and I'm pretty lucky. I'll say that to anyone who will listen.
It's hard being the person who holds things together. I've been in that situation and while Rome is burning, there's no time for fiddling.
All the while, I'm watching the person I Love hurt and it's agonizing.
But.
It's important for me to let them heal, it's important for me to let them do their work. Becoming a healthy, whole person is a ginormous task in and of itself and it must be done by the person who is working towards it. I can't do it for that person.
But I can be there for this person and hold the one candle in the Darkness. I'm here as a beacon.
And this is what my Awesome Guy does for me. He knows I fight as hard as I can to find my way back to him. He holds that candle and I find my way back, even though I feel lost and sick at heart...I know if I reach towards him, I'll find my way.
Thank you for being the light in the Dark. I know it's hard, sometimes. I know it can be frustrating and sometimes resentment and anger can build up, too. That's understandable.
But you've never given up on me, even when I'm about ready to give up on myself. You've told me I'm beautiful and wonderful and everything you've ever wanted, when I feel ugly and pathetic and worthless.
To all of you who watch over and take care of your hurting Loved ones...thank you. You are a light in the dark, a blazing beacon when the Dark threatens to overwhelm.
Thank you.
K.
There are times when I find it hard to function. The Darkness has a hold of me and I can't think and it just *hurts* and I hold on the best I can.
During those times, my Awesome Guy takes care of me. He makes sure I eat. (when I have the appetite to eat). He makes sure I am feeling safe, especially because I most often don't during those times. He protects me and comforts me and when I cry, he holds me.
He stands in front of anything that could hurt me and allows me the time I need to mend myself, to heal the hurts deep inside.
It is a precious gift and one that is pretty impossible to pay back.
When I'm feeling well again, I return the favour as best I can. I think he's pretty Awesome in all ways and I'm not shy about telling him or anyone else. I think he's pretty wonderful and I'm pretty lucky. I'll say that to anyone who will listen.
It's hard being the person who holds things together. I've been in that situation and while Rome is burning, there's no time for fiddling.
All the while, I'm watching the person I Love hurt and it's agonizing.
But.
It's important for me to let them heal, it's important for me to let them do their work. Becoming a healthy, whole person is a ginormous task in and of itself and it must be done by the person who is working towards it. I can't do it for that person.
But I can be there for this person and hold the one candle in the Darkness. I'm here as a beacon.
And this is what my Awesome Guy does for me. He knows I fight as hard as I can to find my way back to him. He holds that candle and I find my way back, even though I feel lost and sick at heart...I know if I reach towards him, I'll find my way.
Thank you for being the light in the Dark. I know it's hard, sometimes. I know it can be frustrating and sometimes resentment and anger can build up, too. That's understandable.
But you've never given up on me, even when I'm about ready to give up on myself. You've told me I'm beautiful and wonderful and everything you've ever wanted, when I feel ugly and pathetic and worthless.
To all of you who watch over and take care of your hurting Loved ones...thank you. You are a light in the dark, a blazing beacon when the Dark threatens to overwhelm.
Thank you.
K.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Winter's Journey- A Poem
I have tried to sum up my thoughts best I can. This is on the fly but it will do, I think.
I walk along the path near the lake.
Crystal quiet with the snow glistening on the trees.
I can hear the rustle of the branches as the wind winds through.
I can see the frost form delicate lace upon any surfaces available.
My breath leaves traces of steam in the air.
The beauty of the winter heart moves my sluggish blood.
I appreciate the wonder of the cruel neutrality which offers no mercy.
Tis the cry of the desolate I hear.
The path is worn by the tread of tires and feet.
I can see the pebbles through the ice and snow, textures that rub against my boots.
My mittens are warm and fuzzy and stick with the snow.
The scarf around my neck is beacon red and keeps the chill from my throat.
I can see where the lake has broken through the ice.
The water is dark as diamonds in the moonlight, as pearls beneath the surface of the moon.
I can see bits of ice dash against the edges, blurring into slush.
My first step is breathtaking cold and I exhale all the warmth I had.
Water fills my boots and numbs my ankles along the way to my heart.
By the time I reach my thighs, I feel nothing but the cold erasing the agony inside.
It is Winter's Maiden returned to self and my hair transforms into ice and strands of crystal beads.
I take a final look up through the surface, glints of sunlight turning the blue into prisms of azure.
I am the mermaid, the selkie, the wanderer returned home.
There are no regrets to my Journey back to where I came.
My last thoughts are of you. And you. And Love and loss.
I kiss you through the waves.
K.
I walk along the path near the lake.
Crystal quiet with the snow glistening on the trees.
I can hear the rustle of the branches as the wind winds through.
I can see the frost form delicate lace upon any surfaces available.
My breath leaves traces of steam in the air.
The beauty of the winter heart moves my sluggish blood.
I appreciate the wonder of the cruel neutrality which offers no mercy.
Tis the cry of the desolate I hear.
The path is worn by the tread of tires and feet.
I can see the pebbles through the ice and snow, textures that rub against my boots.
My mittens are warm and fuzzy and stick with the snow.
The scarf around my neck is beacon red and keeps the chill from my throat.
I can see where the lake has broken through the ice.
The water is dark as diamonds in the moonlight, as pearls beneath the surface of the moon.
I can see bits of ice dash against the edges, blurring into slush.
My first step is breathtaking cold and I exhale all the warmth I had.
Water fills my boots and numbs my ankles along the way to my heart.
By the time I reach my thighs, I feel nothing but the cold erasing the agony inside.
It is Winter's Maiden returned to self and my hair transforms into ice and strands of crystal beads.
I take a final look up through the surface, glints of sunlight turning the blue into prisms of azure.
I am the mermaid, the selkie, the wanderer returned home.
There are no regrets to my Journey back to where I came.
My last thoughts are of you. And you. And Love and loss.
I kiss you through the waves.
K.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Stretching the Heart
Grief is an odd thing.
It comes and goes as it pleases and there really is no rhyme or reason to it. I have thought that I was over someone or something only to find that hearing a song, smelling a scent, or seeing the silhouette of a figure brings those emotions to the surface again, swelling and breaking like water against the rocks.
I won't say that it doesn't hurt because it does. Grief is meant to make one aware of their losses and it would be someone who was too numb to care who wouldn't feel the pain of assessing the losses when the memories echo.
I find that I would rather grieve than turn off all my emotions. I risk nothing by doing so. I feel nothing in return. Sometimes, it's good to take a break from the pain and the sadness. There's only so much stretching a person's heart can do before it takes a toll and I don't blame anyone for needing to step back, to disassociate from the hurt for a while.
But it's too damn dangerous to stay that way. Becoming numb and frozen can be addicting. Some people never thaw their emotions. They choose to see everything from behind a shield. But.
No pain, no gain as they say and there is so much to gain by feeling fully what life has to offer.
There is Love. There is joy. There is giddiness. There is that lightning bolt that comes from nowhere and gives inspiration. There is relief so gripping that it narrows all sensation down to sweat and breath. There is tenderness so pure it makes one gasp.
I am grieving right now. I have lost a wonderful person in my life and it will take some time for me to feel like "me" again. Admittedly, I'm a little numb because my first instinct is to shut down and get through it and then, later on, open things up bit by bit and heal.
And that's OK. I do it my way and others do it theirs. I won't stay numb forever. I've done that before and while it does protect me, it also limits me and I won't be limited by anything, thanks.
For now, grief is a quiet companion that reminds me that the price for Loving is losing, sometimes. That life doesn't last forever so it's very important to Love the ones who are here and to honour the ones who have gone on.
And most importantly, grief allows me to grow inside. It stretches my heart and deepens my commitment to those I Love and so I am, oddly, grateful for grief.
I need a little time and I'll be OK. I will keep on Loving and caring and supporting...that won't stop just because I need to also grieve.
A quiet time is all I need.
K.
It comes and goes as it pleases and there really is no rhyme or reason to it. I have thought that I was over someone or something only to find that hearing a song, smelling a scent, or seeing the silhouette of a figure brings those emotions to the surface again, swelling and breaking like water against the rocks.
I won't say that it doesn't hurt because it does. Grief is meant to make one aware of their losses and it would be someone who was too numb to care who wouldn't feel the pain of assessing the losses when the memories echo.
I find that I would rather grieve than turn off all my emotions. I risk nothing by doing so. I feel nothing in return. Sometimes, it's good to take a break from the pain and the sadness. There's only so much stretching a person's heart can do before it takes a toll and I don't blame anyone for needing to step back, to disassociate from the hurt for a while.
But it's too damn dangerous to stay that way. Becoming numb and frozen can be addicting. Some people never thaw their emotions. They choose to see everything from behind a shield. But.
No pain, no gain as they say and there is so much to gain by feeling fully what life has to offer.
There is Love. There is joy. There is giddiness. There is that lightning bolt that comes from nowhere and gives inspiration. There is relief so gripping that it narrows all sensation down to sweat and breath. There is tenderness so pure it makes one gasp.
I am grieving right now. I have lost a wonderful person in my life and it will take some time for me to feel like "me" again. Admittedly, I'm a little numb because my first instinct is to shut down and get through it and then, later on, open things up bit by bit and heal.
And that's OK. I do it my way and others do it theirs. I won't stay numb forever. I've done that before and while it does protect me, it also limits me and I won't be limited by anything, thanks.
For now, grief is a quiet companion that reminds me that the price for Loving is losing, sometimes. That life doesn't last forever so it's very important to Love the ones who are here and to honour the ones who have gone on.
And most importantly, grief allows me to grow inside. It stretches my heart and deepens my commitment to those I Love and so I am, oddly, grateful for grief.
I need a little time and I'll be OK. I will keep on Loving and caring and supporting...that won't stop just because I need to also grieve.
A quiet time is all I need.
K.
Monday, October 18, 2010
It's been a heck of a month thus far!
Wow.
I have wanted to write in this blog on a semi regular basis and this hasn't exactly gone according to plan.
If this is semi regular, I'd have fiber companies begging me for commercial time. Heh.
But there has been a reason for the silence and I apologize profusely for the quiet.
This past Saturday, my Awesome Guy and I were handfasted. Handfasting is a very old tradition in which two people pledge themselves for a certain period of time. In some circles, it's a symbolic year and a day in which case, at that time, they can choose to go for another length of time, they can choose to part ways, or they can choose to make it permanent. This handfasting is a nod to certain beliefs of mine and my Awesome Guy was quite all right in planning and participating in this ritual.
We had invited his family, our closest friends, and my Chosen Family who were absolutely tickled pink to attend such an event. Some of my Chosen Family had never been to a handfasting before--some were old hat at this--but all were happy to be part of the celebration.
We were lucky enough to have a gorgeous fall day. In this part of the country, Minnesota is fickle in the fall and it could have been an absolutely *miserable* day. But we were lucky and the sun was shining, there was a bit of a breeze but it only made the banners fly more briskly, and everyone was comfortable until night fell and the temperatures dropped.
My two sons were involved in every aspect of the ceremony. They chose certain parts and they were in the ceremony and they were absolutely wonderful. I was so happy to see them want to be part of everything and they had such a fun time afterwards.
I wore a beautiful gown that one of my very closest friends sewed for me. I felt so pretty in my gown and wore it most of the day.
My Awesome Guy wore a great outfit as well, pinstripe pants, tuxedo shirt with tie, and a jacket.
My Awesome Guy also bought me a bouquet to carry with me and it was so pretty!
After the ceremony, everyone had brought potluck for the reception and there were TONS of food and drink and we all ate as much as we wanted. We had guests stay until the early hours of the morning and that was perfectly fine with me. This was a celebration with people who care and support and Love us and to have them hang out and laugh and talk and eat with us really made the day complete.
There were a few guests who couldn't make it, of course. Distance and other commitments and ungodly emergencies had them unable to be part of the day, but I know that they were with us in spirit and that's what counted.
Next year, we will have the Commitment Ceremony and that's the "legally binding" one because we'll have that fancy piece of paper that says we're married and I get to do all the fun name changes and whatnot (rolls eyes). Big whoop.
But. This year, this past Saturday, I made my vows in front of the people I Love and to the man I Love and that is, to me, what matters most of all.
K.
I have wanted to write in this blog on a semi regular basis and this hasn't exactly gone according to plan.
If this is semi regular, I'd have fiber companies begging me for commercial time. Heh.
But there has been a reason for the silence and I apologize profusely for the quiet.
This past Saturday, my Awesome Guy and I were handfasted. Handfasting is a very old tradition in which two people pledge themselves for a certain period of time. In some circles, it's a symbolic year and a day in which case, at that time, they can choose to go for another length of time, they can choose to part ways, or they can choose to make it permanent. This handfasting is a nod to certain beliefs of mine and my Awesome Guy was quite all right in planning and participating in this ritual.
We had invited his family, our closest friends, and my Chosen Family who were absolutely tickled pink to attend such an event. Some of my Chosen Family had never been to a handfasting before--some were old hat at this--but all were happy to be part of the celebration.
We were lucky enough to have a gorgeous fall day. In this part of the country, Minnesota is fickle in the fall and it could have been an absolutely *miserable* day. But we were lucky and the sun was shining, there was a bit of a breeze but it only made the banners fly more briskly, and everyone was comfortable until night fell and the temperatures dropped.
My two sons were involved in every aspect of the ceremony. They chose certain parts and they were in the ceremony and they were absolutely wonderful. I was so happy to see them want to be part of everything and they had such a fun time afterwards.
I wore a beautiful gown that one of my very closest friends sewed for me. I felt so pretty in my gown and wore it most of the day.
My Awesome Guy wore a great outfit as well, pinstripe pants, tuxedo shirt with tie, and a jacket.
My Awesome Guy also bought me a bouquet to carry with me and it was so pretty!
After the ceremony, everyone had brought potluck for the reception and there were TONS of food and drink and we all ate as much as we wanted. We had guests stay until the early hours of the morning and that was perfectly fine with me. This was a celebration with people who care and support and Love us and to have them hang out and laugh and talk and eat with us really made the day complete.
There were a few guests who couldn't make it, of course. Distance and other commitments and ungodly emergencies had them unable to be part of the day, but I know that they were with us in spirit and that's what counted.
Next year, we will have the Commitment Ceremony and that's the "legally binding" one because we'll have that fancy piece of paper that says we're married and I get to do all the fun name changes and whatnot (rolls eyes). Big whoop.
But. This year, this past Saturday, I made my vows in front of the people I Love and to the man I Love and that is, to me, what matters most of all.
K.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
In which the Heroine is surprised by the hours in a day
I'm trying to figure out my schedule in the near future and as far as I can tell, I think I need the following.
1. One time-turner
2. One DeLorean
3. One bottle of strong whiskey
Right now, things are going fine, things are steady...I am doing pretty well as far as getting things together is concerned.
And then, mid October, my next class starts. This bumps up my college time to insane and my work time to somewheres in there and homework time and such...well, it kind of grows, too. FEED ME, SEYMOUR!!!
On top of that, I have the schedules and doings of my two great sons and that includes orchestra, cub scouts, boy scouts, their homework, get togethers with friends and family time. Oh, and two weekends a month with their father.
Did I say just one bottle of whiskey?
Luckily, I do have a Secret Weapon at my disposal. This would be, of course, my Awesome Guy. This week, he took my oldest son to school when I had to be at work at an ungodly hour in the morning.
I am sure that I am going to need his help with all the scheduling and things. There are some upcoming events in which I look at and wish that I did, indeed, have a Time-turner. Ah, well.
With the advent of all these things happening, I note that once again, the march of Seasons is upon me. Summer seemed to dance right past me, barely giving me the time of day. Fall has settled in and I am wearing sweaters and thinking about hot cocoa. Before I know it, Halloween will have passed by and then I burrow myself in for another long Winter. And then, it's Spring again and then Summer.
Wait a minute. That's going on at an awfully fast clip, isn't it?
The boys are not babies anymore, nor are they really little guys, either. One is in middle school and the other is in his last year of elementary school and before I know it, I will have two strapping teenage sons in the house. It boggles the mind and makes the heart ache.
I am, as always, grateful for the chance to see these changes take place before my very eyes. I watch my boys grow and am amazed at the wonderfulness I see each and every day. There are moments of not so much wonderfulness, of course...and the teen age flares have started.
Overall, though, it's been quite the journey and one that I'm very happy to be a part of.
Still. Going to school full time, raising two great guys, being in a relationship with my Awesome Guy, spending time with friends and Chosen Family and maybe, just maybe, finding time for me....
Yes. A case of whiskey, please.
K.
1. One time-turner
2. One DeLorean
3. One bottle of strong whiskey
Right now, things are going fine, things are steady...I am doing pretty well as far as getting things together is concerned.
And then, mid October, my next class starts. This bumps up my college time to insane and my work time to somewheres in there and homework time and such...well, it kind of grows, too. FEED ME, SEYMOUR!!!
On top of that, I have the schedules and doings of my two great sons and that includes orchestra, cub scouts, boy scouts, their homework, get togethers with friends and family time. Oh, and two weekends a month with their father.
Did I say just one bottle of whiskey?
Luckily, I do have a Secret Weapon at my disposal. This would be, of course, my Awesome Guy. This week, he took my oldest son to school when I had to be at work at an ungodly hour in the morning.
I am sure that I am going to need his help with all the scheduling and things. There are some upcoming events in which I look at and wish that I did, indeed, have a Time-turner. Ah, well.
With the advent of all these things happening, I note that once again, the march of Seasons is upon me. Summer seemed to dance right past me, barely giving me the time of day. Fall has settled in and I am wearing sweaters and thinking about hot cocoa. Before I know it, Halloween will have passed by and then I burrow myself in for another long Winter. And then, it's Spring again and then Summer.
Wait a minute. That's going on at an awfully fast clip, isn't it?
The boys are not babies anymore, nor are they really little guys, either. One is in middle school and the other is in his last year of elementary school and before I know it, I will have two strapping teenage sons in the house. It boggles the mind and makes the heart ache.
I am, as always, grateful for the chance to see these changes take place before my very eyes. I watch my boys grow and am amazed at the wonderfulness I see each and every day. There are moments of not so much wonderfulness, of course...and the teen age flares have started.
Overall, though, it's been quite the journey and one that I'm very happy to be a part of.
Still. Going to school full time, raising two great guys, being in a relationship with my Awesome Guy, spending time with friends and Chosen Family and maybe, just maybe, finding time for me....
Yes. A case of whiskey, please.
K.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Nolite te Bastardes Carborundorum
That, dear hearts, translates to "don't let the bastards grind you down."
I got that from the book, "Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. That is exactly what got me through a lot of bad stuff and when I was thinking of my next tattoo, I knew exactly what I wanted.
On my lower back, I have those words inscribed. An elegant Celtic knot is the backdrop. It took the entire length of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" to get it inked. I know because I watched the whole movie from opening credits to closing credits when I got my ink done.
It is one of my most favourite tattoos. I'm happy to show it to people, if they wish to see it.
I was reminded of it this past week in a most not fun way.
Back when I was in my early twenties, I was in a relationship that wasn't healthy or good for me. I was very young in many ways and my bipolar was beyond control. That was also when I went into the hospital for a bit to try and get things put back together (and also, to stave off a suicide attempt) and that was when I learned that abuse is much more subtle than I thought it ever could be.
I call this boyfriend the boyfriend-rapist and I think I'll leave it at that. I learned that rape is not about sex. It's all about power and control and it didn't matter that he "loved" me or that he was "sorry" afterwards. It didn't seem to stop him after say, the second one and after that, it took some time for me to get the strength to leave.
Even then, the last time I saw him was when he was leaving for another state and wanted me to come with him. I refused. That was when the last rape happened. I was, quite frankly, happy that he was gone.
So this past week, I'm waiting for class and who do I see walking down the hall past me? Ah, yes. Him. Older, of course...still skinny with long hair like I remembered. He looked at me and looked away and kept walking. I stared after him, trying to figure out if this really was him or maybe it was someone who just *looked* like him. I've been known to make these sorts of mistakes.
But I found out that it was him. He's going to the same college I'm going to.
My advisor called someone at the school to see what they think I should do about this situation, now that this man is on campus, and also around when I'm going to one of my own night classes.
He asked me if I was going to leave the school. I looked at him and said, "No. No, I have things to do. I have a plan and a dream and the desire and if I leave, he wins again. I'm not leaving. HE can leave." I further told him that as long as he leaves me alone, I'll leave him alone. My advisor commended me on my non violent solution.
I bared my teeth at him in a polite smile. "Well, see, if he DOES try and mess with me, that's when the non violent part ends. The police will be involved and it won't end well...for him."
My Awesome Guy isn't very happy about this situation at all. No, my precious, not one bit. Not that I blame him. He doesn't like the thought of me in the same building as this man. He doesn't like the possibility that I might be in danger again. Nor is he especially happy to know some of the memories I have and know that it's taken me a few days to get my head back to a better place.
PTSD, my friends, is not any fun. I have spent the last few days shutting doors to memories that I have mostly put away. Sometimes, I have nightmares and that's no fun. It's been nice to not have had those in a while.
Still. I'm getting over being freaked out by this and reminding myself that it's different now. I'm a different person in a different place. I'm not who I was back then.
And I'm not going to let this particular bastard get me down.
K.
I got that from the book, "Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. That is exactly what got me through a lot of bad stuff and when I was thinking of my next tattoo, I knew exactly what I wanted.
On my lower back, I have those words inscribed. An elegant Celtic knot is the backdrop. It took the entire length of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" to get it inked. I know because I watched the whole movie from opening credits to closing credits when I got my ink done.
It is one of my most favourite tattoos. I'm happy to show it to people, if they wish to see it.
I was reminded of it this past week in a most not fun way.
Back when I was in my early twenties, I was in a relationship that wasn't healthy or good for me. I was very young in many ways and my bipolar was beyond control. That was also when I went into the hospital for a bit to try and get things put back together (and also, to stave off a suicide attempt) and that was when I learned that abuse is much more subtle than I thought it ever could be.
I call this boyfriend the boyfriend-rapist and I think I'll leave it at that. I learned that rape is not about sex. It's all about power and control and it didn't matter that he "loved" me or that he was "sorry" afterwards. It didn't seem to stop him after say, the second one and after that, it took some time for me to get the strength to leave.
Even then, the last time I saw him was when he was leaving for another state and wanted me to come with him. I refused. That was when the last rape happened. I was, quite frankly, happy that he was gone.
So this past week, I'm waiting for class and who do I see walking down the hall past me? Ah, yes. Him. Older, of course...still skinny with long hair like I remembered. He looked at me and looked away and kept walking. I stared after him, trying to figure out if this really was him or maybe it was someone who just *looked* like him. I've been known to make these sorts of mistakes.
But I found out that it was him. He's going to the same college I'm going to.
My advisor called someone at the school to see what they think I should do about this situation, now that this man is on campus, and also around when I'm going to one of my own night classes.
He asked me if I was going to leave the school. I looked at him and said, "No. No, I have things to do. I have a plan and a dream and the desire and if I leave, he wins again. I'm not leaving. HE can leave." I further told him that as long as he leaves me alone, I'll leave him alone. My advisor commended me on my non violent solution.
I bared my teeth at him in a polite smile. "Well, see, if he DOES try and mess with me, that's when the non violent part ends. The police will be involved and it won't end well...for him."
My Awesome Guy isn't very happy about this situation at all. No, my precious, not one bit. Not that I blame him. He doesn't like the thought of me in the same building as this man. He doesn't like the possibility that I might be in danger again. Nor is he especially happy to know some of the memories I have and know that it's taken me a few days to get my head back to a better place.
PTSD, my friends, is not any fun. I have spent the last few days shutting doors to memories that I have mostly put away. Sometimes, I have nightmares and that's no fun. It's been nice to not have had those in a while.
Still. I'm getting over being freaked out by this and reminding myself that it's different now. I'm a different person in a different place. I'm not who I was back then.
And I'm not going to let this particular bastard get me down.
K.
Friday, September 10, 2010
In which Yoga shows me a thing or two....
So this semester, I am taking Yoga class.
This will be easy, thinks I. This won't be hard at all, thinks I.
Hah hah. Hah.
It is an amazingly fun class but hard. I became aware of my body in ways I never had before and it was a bit humbling to not be able to hold the "tree" pose for longer than 15 seconds at a time.
My teacher told the class that we could tuck our leg up against our thighs if we so wished. Right. I was just happy to not fall over. But I did manage to at least keep my leg tucked up near my knee.
With Yoga class, I have also discovered the joys of yoga pants. I like them. They're soft. Plus, they stretch. And they feel good. It's nice to change into them when I've worn other fabric all day that isn't as soft or comfortable.
I'm to log online this weekend and go through a couple of videos and then post my observations for discussion.
The good thing about this is that I'm going to be doing these poses at home instead of with my fellow students so I can embarrass my lack of flexibility just to my own damn self.
The bad thing is I have to actually TALK about it. "Well, when I didn't have to call 911 to help untangle me from my pose, it actually felt good...."
I can see why people do Yoga, though. It is eminently satisfying to feel my body stretch out and to breathe in and out deep truly demonstrates that I simply can't be stressed out. Deep breathing through my nose and down through my belly and then out back through my nose makes me concentrate on breathing. Not on the thoughts that have been running through my mind so crazy like.
No, it's just me and my breathing and I do feel like a child again, very much aware of my body and how it's working with me.
The Yoga itself is neat. I breathe and do the poses and my mind empties. I'm not thinking....I'm doing Yoga and breathing and at the end of the session, I feel pretty good.
I'm hoping to be more flexible when I'm done with Yoga and I'm thinking of taking Yoga at the Y on a more regular basis. I think it would be good for me to continue doing this.
I think it'll keep my life in sync and in balance and that's pretty cool. It's those benefits and the health benefits that outweigh the initial cost to practice Yoga.
And I get to keep wearing those stretchy, comfy Yoga pants.
It's a win win situation as far as I can see.
K.
This will be easy, thinks I. This won't be hard at all, thinks I.
Hah hah. Hah.
It is an amazingly fun class but hard. I became aware of my body in ways I never had before and it was a bit humbling to not be able to hold the "tree" pose for longer than 15 seconds at a time.
My teacher told the class that we could tuck our leg up against our thighs if we so wished. Right. I was just happy to not fall over. But I did manage to at least keep my leg tucked up near my knee.
With Yoga class, I have also discovered the joys of yoga pants. I like them. They're soft. Plus, they stretch. And they feel good. It's nice to change into them when I've worn other fabric all day that isn't as soft or comfortable.
I'm to log online this weekend and go through a couple of videos and then post my observations for discussion.
The good thing about this is that I'm going to be doing these poses at home instead of with my fellow students so I can embarrass my lack of flexibility just to my own damn self.
The bad thing is I have to actually TALK about it. "Well, when I didn't have to call 911 to help untangle me from my pose, it actually felt good...."
I can see why people do Yoga, though. It is eminently satisfying to feel my body stretch out and to breathe in and out deep truly demonstrates that I simply can't be stressed out. Deep breathing through my nose and down through my belly and then out back through my nose makes me concentrate on breathing. Not on the thoughts that have been running through my mind so crazy like.
No, it's just me and my breathing and I do feel like a child again, very much aware of my body and how it's working with me.
The Yoga itself is neat. I breathe and do the poses and my mind empties. I'm not thinking....I'm doing Yoga and breathing and at the end of the session, I feel pretty good.
I'm hoping to be more flexible when I'm done with Yoga and I'm thinking of taking Yoga at the Y on a more regular basis. I think it would be good for me to continue doing this.
I think it'll keep my life in sync and in balance and that's pretty cool. It's those benefits and the health benefits that outweigh the initial cost to practice Yoga.
And I get to keep wearing those stretchy, comfy Yoga pants.
It's a win win situation as far as I can see.
K.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Power of a koala!!! (Form of a roly poly Bear, obviously)
Gah.
I've been taking Lithium to help get my internal chemical choo choo back on track. Lithium helped me many years before deal with this bipolar Illness and after trying about five other medications (all with varying degrees of suckage), I decided it might be wisest to go back to what worked before.
So far, so good. I think it's helping and I've had way lesser urges to hurt myself. Which is also good.
That plus I'm calmer.
Yet. With every drug, there's a reaction. Sometimes, it's relatively benign. Or for some people, it's a bonus. Lithium makes me thirsty but not as hungry. Seeing as I like to keep my weight at around an even 100 and it's been a tad over that, it makes me happy. I've been drinking my liquids like mad (and I have to as well) and eating smaller amounts.
Lithium, being a salt, needs to have plenty of liquids taken with it or it can build up to toxic levels in the bloodstream and that would Not Be Good. So Arizona's Green Tea with Honey has been my best friend. It's yummy and I drink TONS of it.
But sometimes, the side effects are not so awesome. In this case, it's what I call the Koala Bear effect. I get sleepy. Oh, gods, do I get sleepy. I wake up in the morning NOT feeling like P. Diddy. It takes me a good half an hour to really be aware and then I head to the shower and soak my head and start waking up. Then I kind of am mostly awake until around 2 when my body is ready for action. Two in the afternoon, that is.
If I'm doing stuff in the morning, then I need a nap. I'll lay down around 2 or 3 and sleep for a couple of hours. Then, I'll wake up and be able to do some more stuff before needing to go back to bed.
It's getting better. The need for a nap can be put off and if I get to bed at a semi decent time at night, I can be awake in the morning and do stuff.
It is, thankfully, the only side effect that I have to work around. I tell my boys and my Awesome Guy that I'm feeling like a Koala Bear and so they understand if I'm moving a little slower than usual.
I think, though, that I'd much rather be on Lithium than not. This Illness has to be controlled and has to be taken seriously. I'm finally coming around to the idea that it is like having cancer or diabetes and if I'm going to be foolish about it, I put my life in danger. And I have everyone around me sick with worry because I am suicidal or close to it.
So I'll take my Lithium. And do my best impersonation of a Koala Bear until my body adjusts to having it and uses it as it should.
K.
I've been taking Lithium to help get my internal chemical choo choo back on track. Lithium helped me many years before deal with this bipolar Illness and after trying about five other medications (all with varying degrees of suckage), I decided it might be wisest to go back to what worked before.
So far, so good. I think it's helping and I've had way lesser urges to hurt myself. Which is also good.
That plus I'm calmer.
Yet. With every drug, there's a reaction. Sometimes, it's relatively benign. Or for some people, it's a bonus. Lithium makes me thirsty but not as hungry. Seeing as I like to keep my weight at around an even 100 and it's been a tad over that, it makes me happy. I've been drinking my liquids like mad (and I have to as well) and eating smaller amounts.
Lithium, being a salt, needs to have plenty of liquids taken with it or it can build up to toxic levels in the bloodstream and that would Not Be Good. So Arizona's Green Tea with Honey has been my best friend. It's yummy and I drink TONS of it.
But sometimes, the side effects are not so awesome. In this case, it's what I call the Koala Bear effect. I get sleepy. Oh, gods, do I get sleepy. I wake up in the morning NOT feeling like P. Diddy. It takes me a good half an hour to really be aware and then I head to the shower and soak my head and start waking up. Then I kind of am mostly awake until around 2 when my body is ready for action. Two in the afternoon, that is.
If I'm doing stuff in the morning, then I need a nap. I'll lay down around 2 or 3 and sleep for a couple of hours. Then, I'll wake up and be able to do some more stuff before needing to go back to bed.
It's getting better. The need for a nap can be put off and if I get to bed at a semi decent time at night, I can be awake in the morning and do stuff.
It is, thankfully, the only side effect that I have to work around. I tell my boys and my Awesome Guy that I'm feeling like a Koala Bear and so they understand if I'm moving a little slower than usual.
I think, though, that I'd much rather be on Lithium than not. This Illness has to be controlled and has to be taken seriously. I'm finally coming around to the idea that it is like having cancer or diabetes and if I'm going to be foolish about it, I put my life in danger. And I have everyone around me sick with worry because I am suicidal or close to it.
So I'll take my Lithium. And do my best impersonation of a Koala Bear until my body adjusts to having it and uses it as it should.
K.
Movies movies movies!
I want a money tree in my back yard.
There are so many awesome movies out right now and thus far, I've seen exactly NONE. Yes, that's right. None. Zero. Zip. Nadda. Because I has no money, honey. At least, not right now.
I really want to see Toy Story 3. I was holding my breath when I heard it was coming out because Toy Story 1 and 2 were so epic and I was thinking, oh, please, don't screw this one up. Of course, being Pixar, they didn't. From all I've heard, it's wonderful and heartbreaking and classic Pixar. I can hardly wait to see it.
Next on my docket is Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. The reviews on this movie have amused me greatly. The critics who clearly don't "get it" are all condescending and whatnot and like, "well, if you're a gamer, you'll get it." Well, duh! Stupid Head. This game is a lovesong to those of us who have spent any time with a video game, whether it's the old 8 bit or the newest Modern Warfare version and we all "get it." I think the movie is going to be a riot. I saw the trailer and laughed myself through it. That plus, well, it's a movie for a geek girl like me. How can I resist? Plus, the cutie who plays Scott Pilgrim is one of my favourite young actors, anyway. He just has the winsome "take me home, I'm just a lost little puppy" look to him. I'm sure there are many geek girls who would be happy to do just that.
I really want to see Winter's Bone before it leaves the theatre. I've heard that this movie is just totally intense and the young actress who plays the 17 year old lead character is sublime. In this movie, the 17 year old heroine has to find her father who skipped bail, otherwise they lose the home that houses her, her two little siblings and a mother who is there just in name. This young lady has to go through the woods to track him down and she may not find him as he's taken refuge amongst the meth makers in the backwoods. I think it's going to be a hell of a movie. I better bring kleenax.
I know Inception is supposed to be all that and a bag of chips but I'm OK to wait for that. I think it'll hold up just as well on the screen at home as it would in the theatre and maybe even better. After all, it's a lot of mind games and mind games play well anywhere. Heh. But yeah, I'd like to see that eventually.
The new Patricia Clarkson movie is out, Cairo Time, and I'd rather see her than most any other actress any day of the week. She is underrated as one of our finest leading ladies and that's a real shame. I saw the trailer for it and thought, wow...this looks a lot better than that "Eat, Pray, Love" movie which I have no intention of seeing. The book thing was bad enough. Yes, yes, yes....anyone who has the money to go to places they've never been before and see cultures that are unfamiliar are going to have epiphanies of all sorts. But in the real world where I live, you know, where one has to pay bills and never mind taking a sabbatical to India or China or whatnot...it smacks a little of Upper Class Superiority. Gah. No thanks.
But Cairo Time looks like one of those intricate, intimate movies where it's important to see what's not being said as well as what's being said. I know, it's a White Woman who is in a different land and culture and she explores and blah blah blah...but she's not there to gain Serenity or Awakening or whatnot. No, she's there because she's going to finally spend time with her workaholic husband. Or so she thinks.
At any rate, Patricia Clarkson is the lead actress and I have always found that watching her in any movie makes me happy. That plus she's a really nice lady in real life. That's always awesome.
I think I'll wait for Prince of Persia to come out on Netflix. Yes, I'm sure it would be better on the big screen but it's not one of my big Must See Movies. Of course, if the drive in has it as one of three movies playing, I'd be up for that.
The big movie that I'm waiting for is the last Harry Potter movie. Of course, they had to split it in two parts for which I'm ever grateful for. There's just too much to squeeze into one movie. But the first part is coming out here in August and I am SO excited!!! I saw the trailer and it looks wicked! Yae!!!
Did anyone see Emma Watson's new haircut? She looks absolutely gorgeous. She cut it pixie short and close to the head and it's back to her natural hair colour and she looks divine. I wonder what she's going to do now, now that filming has wrapped and that part of her life is done and that has got to be the oddest feeling....ten years of her life (half of her life, I believe) has been spent in the Harry Potter Universe. Wow. That's amazing.
The other big movie that I plan on seeing is Get Low with Robert Duvall, Sissy Spacek, and Bill Murray. From everything I've read, it's a great movie with the best actors and actress and a fine plotline. Robert Duvall plays a hermit like rich as Midas old man who lives, by choice, alone. He wants Bill Murray, who is the town's mortician, to set up a fake funeral for him. He wants to hear what the townsfolk would have to say to him if they thought he was dead. Sissy Spacek is his heart's love from way back when. Bill Murray's character agrees and the wheels are set in motion. It's a movie about human behavior and emotions and those are my favourite kinds of movies. I like a good action movie every now and then but mostly, movies that show how people tick and why they tick...those are the ones I really like.
Even Silence of the Lambs. I HATE horror movies but this was more a psychological thriller with some gore judiciously placed. Plus, it had Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins. Please.
So, yes, money tree. Please shake a few dollars for me. I have some movies lined up to see.
K.
There are so many awesome movies out right now and thus far, I've seen exactly NONE. Yes, that's right. None. Zero. Zip. Nadda. Because I has no money, honey. At least, not right now.
I really want to see Toy Story 3. I was holding my breath when I heard it was coming out because Toy Story 1 and 2 were so epic and I was thinking, oh, please, don't screw this one up. Of course, being Pixar, they didn't. From all I've heard, it's wonderful and heartbreaking and classic Pixar. I can hardly wait to see it.
Next on my docket is Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. The reviews on this movie have amused me greatly. The critics who clearly don't "get it" are all condescending and whatnot and like, "well, if you're a gamer, you'll get it." Well, duh! Stupid Head. This game is a lovesong to those of us who have spent any time with a video game, whether it's the old 8 bit or the newest Modern Warfare version and we all "get it." I think the movie is going to be a riot. I saw the trailer and laughed myself through it. That plus, well, it's a movie for a geek girl like me. How can I resist? Plus, the cutie who plays Scott Pilgrim is one of my favourite young actors, anyway. He just has the winsome "take me home, I'm just a lost little puppy" look to him. I'm sure there are many geek girls who would be happy to do just that.
I really want to see Winter's Bone before it leaves the theatre. I've heard that this movie is just totally intense and the young actress who plays the 17 year old lead character is sublime. In this movie, the 17 year old heroine has to find her father who skipped bail, otherwise they lose the home that houses her, her two little siblings and a mother who is there just in name. This young lady has to go through the woods to track him down and she may not find him as he's taken refuge amongst the meth makers in the backwoods. I think it's going to be a hell of a movie. I better bring kleenax.
I know Inception is supposed to be all that and a bag of chips but I'm OK to wait for that. I think it'll hold up just as well on the screen at home as it would in the theatre and maybe even better. After all, it's a lot of mind games and mind games play well anywhere. Heh. But yeah, I'd like to see that eventually.
The new Patricia Clarkson movie is out, Cairo Time, and I'd rather see her than most any other actress any day of the week. She is underrated as one of our finest leading ladies and that's a real shame. I saw the trailer for it and thought, wow...this looks a lot better than that "Eat, Pray, Love" movie which I have no intention of seeing. The book thing was bad enough. Yes, yes, yes....anyone who has the money to go to places they've never been before and see cultures that are unfamiliar are going to have epiphanies of all sorts. But in the real world where I live, you know, where one has to pay bills and never mind taking a sabbatical to India or China or whatnot...it smacks a little of Upper Class Superiority. Gah. No thanks.
But Cairo Time looks like one of those intricate, intimate movies where it's important to see what's not being said as well as what's being said. I know, it's a White Woman who is in a different land and culture and she explores and blah blah blah...but she's not there to gain Serenity or Awakening or whatnot. No, she's there because she's going to finally spend time with her workaholic husband. Or so she thinks.
At any rate, Patricia Clarkson is the lead actress and I have always found that watching her in any movie makes me happy. That plus she's a really nice lady in real life. That's always awesome.
I think I'll wait for Prince of Persia to come out on Netflix. Yes, I'm sure it would be better on the big screen but it's not one of my big Must See Movies. Of course, if the drive in has it as one of three movies playing, I'd be up for that.
The big movie that I'm waiting for is the last Harry Potter movie. Of course, they had to split it in two parts for which I'm ever grateful for. There's just too much to squeeze into one movie. But the first part is coming out here in August and I am SO excited!!! I saw the trailer and it looks wicked! Yae!!!
Did anyone see Emma Watson's new haircut? She looks absolutely gorgeous. She cut it pixie short and close to the head and it's back to her natural hair colour and she looks divine. I wonder what she's going to do now, now that filming has wrapped and that part of her life is done and that has got to be the oddest feeling....ten years of her life (half of her life, I believe) has been spent in the Harry Potter Universe. Wow. That's amazing.
The other big movie that I plan on seeing is Get Low with Robert Duvall, Sissy Spacek, and Bill Murray. From everything I've read, it's a great movie with the best actors and actress and a fine plotline. Robert Duvall plays a hermit like rich as Midas old man who lives, by choice, alone. He wants Bill Murray, who is the town's mortician, to set up a fake funeral for him. He wants to hear what the townsfolk would have to say to him if they thought he was dead. Sissy Spacek is his heart's love from way back when. Bill Murray's character agrees and the wheels are set in motion. It's a movie about human behavior and emotions and those are my favourite kinds of movies. I like a good action movie every now and then but mostly, movies that show how people tick and why they tick...those are the ones I really like.
Even Silence of the Lambs. I HATE horror movies but this was more a psychological thriller with some gore judiciously placed. Plus, it had Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins. Please.
So, yes, money tree. Please shake a few dollars for me. I have some movies lined up to see.
K.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Steampunk!
So there I was, perusing the wedding photos of my seamstress when it occurred to me that the wedding would be awesome if it was done in Steampunk style.
Yeah, I know...Steampunk has been trending for a while and might be going over the cusp but I think it would be fun to do and my Awesome Guy is all for it.
So I've been looking over Steampunk wedding dresses and other types of clothes and thinking my thinks.
That plus a Steampunk wedding cake would be pretty cool.
With all of that, I've decided that I want the theme of the wedding to be Kickass Awesome! and to that end, I have a lot of friends who want to be part of the awesomeness.
I'm pretty happy about that.
It's pretty convenient that next year at CONvergence, the theme is Steampunk so I can look at the vendors and get even MORE ideas...although I have the feeling that we will probably have most everything pulled together by then. But we shall see.
In other news, I tore through the library books that I had gotten and now need to get back to the library to find some more finds. I think I'm going to meander over to the sewing aisle and see if they have any Steampunk patterns and ideas there...
K.
Yeah, I know...Steampunk has been trending for a while and might be going over the cusp but I think it would be fun to do and my Awesome Guy is all for it.
So I've been looking over Steampunk wedding dresses and other types of clothes and thinking my thinks.
That plus a Steampunk wedding cake would be pretty cool.
With all of that, I've decided that I want the theme of the wedding to be Kickass Awesome! and to that end, I have a lot of friends who want to be part of the awesomeness.
I'm pretty happy about that.
It's pretty convenient that next year at CONvergence, the theme is Steampunk so I can look at the vendors and get even MORE ideas...although I have the feeling that we will probably have most everything pulled together by then. But we shall see.
In other news, I tore through the library books that I had gotten and now need to get back to the library to find some more finds. I think I'm going to meander over to the sewing aisle and see if they have any Steampunk patterns and ideas there...
K.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
He put a ring on it...
So last weekend, my Awesome Guy and my Biggest Guy (my oldest son) and I were at the local mall. There was an antique show going on and plus, this mall had a pet store and we wanted to look at the puppies and kitties so we decided to go.
We stopped at a table where the lady who was the dealer had set up row after row of antique rings. She deals with antique jewelry of all kinds, but especially rings and so we spent some time looking.
After taking my Awesome Guy's budget into account, I tried on a few rings. We narrowed it down to two rings: a 19th century rose gold ring that was a delicate wonder and a 1940's gold ring with some serious flash to it.
At that point, I was told to take a walk and so I did, going to look at puppies and kitties and my Awesome Guy and my Biggest Guy made the final decision.
I, of ocurse, didn't know which one they chose. My Biggest Guy had a huge grin on his face the rest of the day. He knew, of course, but he wasn't going to tell me.
Which was fine with me. The ring needed to be resized and so my Awesome Guy would go pick it up sometime this past week.
Instead, she mailed it to him and he being the sweetheart he is, couldn't wait. He proposed to me right then and there and put the ring on my finger. I cried, yes, I did...and said, "yes."
Because my Awesome Guy is so wonderful and I Love him immensely. He's a fellow geek and I'd be stupid to let someone so great walk away...no, I'm not a fool. :)
So now I'm engaged to this wonderful man and his family is great and his mom and dad were so happy for us and our mutual friends are thrilled and all of that cool stuff.
I swear to God, when I changed the relationship status on Facebook, my inbox about imploded with comments from my friends who were squeeeing over the goodness.
So my one thought is: Would it be too much geek goodness to have the Star Wars theme playing as we walked out after being married???
K.
We stopped at a table where the lady who was the dealer had set up row after row of antique rings. She deals with antique jewelry of all kinds, but especially rings and so we spent some time looking.
After taking my Awesome Guy's budget into account, I tried on a few rings. We narrowed it down to two rings: a 19th century rose gold ring that was a delicate wonder and a 1940's gold ring with some serious flash to it.
At that point, I was told to take a walk and so I did, going to look at puppies and kitties and my Awesome Guy and my Biggest Guy made the final decision.
I, of ocurse, didn't know which one they chose. My Biggest Guy had a huge grin on his face the rest of the day. He knew, of course, but he wasn't going to tell me.
Which was fine with me. The ring needed to be resized and so my Awesome Guy would go pick it up sometime this past week.
Instead, she mailed it to him and he being the sweetheart he is, couldn't wait. He proposed to me right then and there and put the ring on my finger. I cried, yes, I did...and said, "yes."
Because my Awesome Guy is so wonderful and I Love him immensely. He's a fellow geek and I'd be stupid to let someone so great walk away...no, I'm not a fool. :)
So now I'm engaged to this wonderful man and his family is great and his mom and dad were so happy for us and our mutual friends are thrilled and all of that cool stuff.
I swear to God, when I changed the relationship status on Facebook, my inbox about imploded with comments from my friends who were squeeeing over the goodness.
So my one thought is: Would it be too much geek goodness to have the Star Wars theme playing as we walked out after being married???
K.
What's wrong with people??
I was amused by this lil' snippet of info:
http://www.comicsalliance.com/2010/07/22/super-heroes-vs-the-westboro-baptist-church/
As some of you know, Fred Phelps is a dangerous man who has, for years, preached his own version of Christianity. What's sad is that he has followers of his church also drinking the kool-aid.
I understand that people may be threatened by GLBT folk. I understand that sometimes, people act out on their fears and do and say stuff that is hurtful to others.
But this man has gone way way too far.
It makes me happy to see fellow geeks more than happy to stand up to his nonsense.
I have a friend who uses a wheelchair. She is beautiful, funny, vibrant, intelligent, and a fellow geek girl. She's been going on dates and some of them have been good, some of them have been blah...and yet, once again, because of her wheelchair, the possibility of a long term relationship isn't a possibility.
Yeah, OK. She's in a wheelchair and yeah, that entails day to day care. But my friend is an independent chick who is more than happy to take care of herself as much as she can. It's not like she's expecting someone to wait on her hand and foot.
I guess I should be happy that the wheelchair definitely divides the can's vs. the cannot's. But I think it's unfair. Set the wheelchair aside for a moment and LOOK at the woman. Gah.
Myself, I deal with bipolar illness. I have ever since I was a pre teen and it really flared when I was 17 and going from there, it's been a continuous battle. It isn't as readily apparent as being in a wheelchair because it's a "hidden illness" but sooner or later, my Illness flares and unless I want to be a total liar (which I don't), people will see parts of what I struggle with.
I'm honest enough to say that I'm having a hard day. And if I am really close to you, I will be willing to talk about what's going on inside.
I write in another Journal a lot more bluntly about my Illness. It's not that I'm ashamed of it or that it's something I can't talk about here. I can. I will. There just hasn't been the moment to talk about it until now. God knows I'm not going to hide and be someone I'm not. That's just stupid.
My point being is that there are going to be people who will say that I am faking it. That it's all in my head and all I need to do is pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with it. That I'm feeling sorry for myself because I don't have it as bad as other people do and I need to quit the pity party.
Trust me, I tell myself the same thing, too...but that's not going to help when I'm in the depths of a depression.
I'm learning to accept the fact that this Illness is like having diabetes or high blood pressure or cancer. I am on medication to control it. So far, so good. But I have to keep taking the medication and I have to keep on top of my reactions and I have to rewire my thinking as much as I can so that I won't fall into that pit.
It's...exhausting.
The last thing I need is someone telling me to get over myself.
I find that the quicker I open my mouth without really knowing what's going on or who the person is, I make a bigger fool of myself. I find that it's much much smarter to get to know a person, get to know what's going on before saying anything. If I even do, that is. Sometimes, it's just wisest to keep my mouth shut.
And sometimes, sometimes it's time to roll that one in diplomacy and tell the Fred Phelps of this world the following:
Feck off.
K.
http://www.comicsalliance.com/2010/07/22/super-heroes-vs-the-westboro-baptist-church/
As some of you know, Fred Phelps is a dangerous man who has, for years, preached his own version of Christianity. What's sad is that he has followers of his church also drinking the kool-aid.
I understand that people may be threatened by GLBT folk. I understand that sometimes, people act out on their fears and do and say stuff that is hurtful to others.
But this man has gone way way too far.
It makes me happy to see fellow geeks more than happy to stand up to his nonsense.
I have a friend who uses a wheelchair. She is beautiful, funny, vibrant, intelligent, and a fellow geek girl. She's been going on dates and some of them have been good, some of them have been blah...and yet, once again, because of her wheelchair, the possibility of a long term relationship isn't a possibility.
Yeah, OK. She's in a wheelchair and yeah, that entails day to day care. But my friend is an independent chick who is more than happy to take care of herself as much as she can. It's not like she's expecting someone to wait on her hand and foot.
I guess I should be happy that the wheelchair definitely divides the can's vs. the cannot's. But I think it's unfair. Set the wheelchair aside for a moment and LOOK at the woman. Gah.
Myself, I deal with bipolar illness. I have ever since I was a pre teen and it really flared when I was 17 and going from there, it's been a continuous battle. It isn't as readily apparent as being in a wheelchair because it's a "hidden illness" but sooner or later, my Illness flares and unless I want to be a total liar (which I don't), people will see parts of what I struggle with.
I'm honest enough to say that I'm having a hard day. And if I am really close to you, I will be willing to talk about what's going on inside.
I write in another Journal a lot more bluntly about my Illness. It's not that I'm ashamed of it or that it's something I can't talk about here. I can. I will. There just hasn't been the moment to talk about it until now. God knows I'm not going to hide and be someone I'm not. That's just stupid.
My point being is that there are going to be people who will say that I am faking it. That it's all in my head and all I need to do is pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with it. That I'm feeling sorry for myself because I don't have it as bad as other people do and I need to quit the pity party.
Trust me, I tell myself the same thing, too...but that's not going to help when I'm in the depths of a depression.
I'm learning to accept the fact that this Illness is like having diabetes or high blood pressure or cancer. I am on medication to control it. So far, so good. But I have to keep taking the medication and I have to keep on top of my reactions and I have to rewire my thinking as much as I can so that I won't fall into that pit.
It's...exhausting.
The last thing I need is someone telling me to get over myself.
I find that the quicker I open my mouth without really knowing what's going on or who the person is, I make a bigger fool of myself. I find that it's much much smarter to get to know a person, get to know what's going on before saying anything. If I even do, that is. Sometimes, it's just wisest to keep my mouth shut.
And sometimes, sometimes it's time to roll that one in diplomacy and tell the Fred Phelps of this world the following:
Feck off.
K.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
This is why.
So a couple of weekends ago, I attended my local PRIDE celebration.
My fair city has a HUGE PRIDE weekend that has events running from Friday through Sunday. It is a lot of fun and has something for everyone, whether it's dancing to the hottest music, seeing a drag show, going on a cruise on the lake, watching the parade, or simply walking through the park.
I chose to walk through the park, stopping at various booths to look at the goods and to see who was there church wise and corporate/work wise.
It was a lot of fun. There were plenty of people out and about and while there were a couple of outfits that had me raising my eyebrows a bit, mostly, these folks who were enjoying the beautiful day looked like, well, like anyone you might find in the every day walk of life.
One of the tents I stopped at was for Human Rights (I Love their organization) and I asked for a sticker that they had (stickers were all over the place...I normally don't get any but this sticker, I wanted).
It had on it DADT and asked that it be repealed. Today. Not tomorrow. Not next year. NOW, damn it.
And I wanted that sticker because I whole heartedly support that decision.
This is the way I look at it. Don't Ask Don't Tell was an asinine decision in the first place. And furthermore, let's be blunt. These soldiers of our armed forces are willing to give their lives to defend liberty and justice. To uphold the defense of our country and come to aid for those in other countries who need us.
Willing to give up their lives.
That is more than enough validation for me and I don't see where their sexual orientation is part of it. If I'm lying in no man's land and my foxhole buddy is risking his/her life to drag me to safety...is my first thought going to be, "oh, I hope he isn't gay/she isn't a lesbian..??" I doubt it. If I'm bleeding from injuries and a medic comes to stop the bleeding and get me to a hospital, am I going to worry about that person's sexuality?
Please.
I find it embarrassing that some people are hung up over this.
So I asked for the sticker. I have it up where I can see it.
Yes, I am GLBT supportive in all things healthy. Most of the Community simply wants the same rights the rest of us take for granted. Stuff like wills and hospital visits and even marriage. Hey, even *gasp*, adopting children or having a child through a surrogate mother/invitro.
I understand that people are afraid. I understand that people are misinformed. When I've talked to some people who are virulently opposed to gay rights, they often don't even know any "real" gay people. They go by these tired old stereotypes that should have lost their juice a long, long time ago.
I've heard it said that gay rights is the last thing to be fought for. After all, we had the civil rights movement, we've had feminist rights, we've had minority rights....even immigrant rights.
I'd say that it's an ongoing process. There are always those few bad apples in the barrel who make it hard for the rest of us....but people need to remember that most of us, whoever we are, however we identify, just want a happy life. A life without fear or hate or disgust. A life where it doesn't matter what colour one's skin is. What sexual orientation one is. Whether they are a man or a woman. Or if they were born here or were naturalized.
Fear is understandable....but reach out. Get to know people that you are afraid of. Often times, you'll find that the very thing you feared was merely a shadow, a cipher of your mind.
There are plenty of good folks to reach back and help you over that fear, help you get to know them....so that in time, you would also add your voice to everyone else's.
Enough. Repeal DADT. Break down these other barriers.
Then we can definitely, proudly, say that our nation is "for all".
K.
My fair city has a HUGE PRIDE weekend that has events running from Friday through Sunday. It is a lot of fun and has something for everyone, whether it's dancing to the hottest music, seeing a drag show, going on a cruise on the lake, watching the parade, or simply walking through the park.
I chose to walk through the park, stopping at various booths to look at the goods and to see who was there church wise and corporate/work wise.
It was a lot of fun. There were plenty of people out and about and while there were a couple of outfits that had me raising my eyebrows a bit, mostly, these folks who were enjoying the beautiful day looked like, well, like anyone you might find in the every day walk of life.
One of the tents I stopped at was for Human Rights (I Love their organization) and I asked for a sticker that they had (stickers were all over the place...I normally don't get any but this sticker, I wanted).
It had on it DADT and asked that it be repealed. Today. Not tomorrow. Not next year. NOW, damn it.
And I wanted that sticker because I whole heartedly support that decision.
This is the way I look at it. Don't Ask Don't Tell was an asinine decision in the first place. And furthermore, let's be blunt. These soldiers of our armed forces are willing to give their lives to defend liberty and justice. To uphold the defense of our country and come to aid for those in other countries who need us.
Willing to give up their lives.
That is more than enough validation for me and I don't see where their sexual orientation is part of it. If I'm lying in no man's land and my foxhole buddy is risking his/her life to drag me to safety...is my first thought going to be, "oh, I hope he isn't gay/she isn't a lesbian..??" I doubt it. If I'm bleeding from injuries and a medic comes to stop the bleeding and get me to a hospital, am I going to worry about that person's sexuality?
Please.
I find it embarrassing that some people are hung up over this.
So I asked for the sticker. I have it up where I can see it.
Yes, I am GLBT supportive in all things healthy. Most of the Community simply wants the same rights the rest of us take for granted. Stuff like wills and hospital visits and even marriage. Hey, even *gasp*, adopting children or having a child through a surrogate mother/invitro.
I understand that people are afraid. I understand that people are misinformed. When I've talked to some people who are virulently opposed to gay rights, they often don't even know any "real" gay people. They go by these tired old stereotypes that should have lost their juice a long, long time ago.
I've heard it said that gay rights is the last thing to be fought for. After all, we had the civil rights movement, we've had feminist rights, we've had minority rights....even immigrant rights.
I'd say that it's an ongoing process. There are always those few bad apples in the barrel who make it hard for the rest of us....but people need to remember that most of us, whoever we are, however we identify, just want a happy life. A life without fear or hate or disgust. A life where it doesn't matter what colour one's skin is. What sexual orientation one is. Whether they are a man or a woman. Or if they were born here or were naturalized.
Fear is understandable....but reach out. Get to know people that you are afraid of. Often times, you'll find that the very thing you feared was merely a shadow, a cipher of your mind.
There are plenty of good folks to reach back and help you over that fear, help you get to know them....so that in time, you would also add your voice to everyone else's.
Enough. Repeal DADT. Break down these other barriers.
Then we can definitely, proudly, say that our nation is "for all".
K.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I likes this.
This has been going around on the Journals so I thought I would do this...
And this is my result.
I think it's pretty cool!
And this is my result.
I think it's pretty cool!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Gimme gimme gimme....
I saw an ipad.
This is what sucks about being a geek girl. I love that stuff. Shiny stuff. Good stuff. *Expensive* stuff.
Yeah. So I won't be getting an ipad anytime soon but it's just so...so yummy.
In other news, my cell phone company is releasing a new phone that's supposed to be super awesome.
I just checked it out and I'm like....mmmmm...ok.
It has a touch screen typing pad. I hate those things.
I know, I know....it's supposed to be really easy but I always end up typing pornographic words without my permission. Or something. And I really like MY phone that has a slide out keypad and I can type away on it like a REAL keyboard (uh, because it basically is, only way smaller) and I'm happy with it.
It's also a first generation touch phone and that makes me feel old, somehow.
What I really want is a digital camera. A small one with some really cool features so I can take pictures and zoom in and all that good stuff. Oh, and it has a flash. (well, duh). That would be cool. I keep telling myself I should buy a fricking camera but the money tree never has any money on it when I need it. So no camera.
Sides, I'd much rather have a laptop. I have my priorities. Although, you can't take a photo with a laptop...at least, not without cheating.
Speaking of laptops, there is one that I've been lusting over for some time now. It's RED. (my favourite colour EVAH) and it has a blu ray player in it. And that's good enough for me. I'm not a hard core gamer so I don't need something that would support, say, SIMS 3 on it. I DO love my multi media, however, and knowing I could pop a blu ray movie into my laptop and watch it makes me get the warm fuzzies.
We shall see.
In the meantime, I slobber over ipads and smart phones and blue tooth speakerphone hook ups for a car (I seriously want one of those) and the other day, I saw a Lotus and I about died.
Although, I wonder, if one's driving a Lotus, don't they feel like their butt is hitting the pavement? Seriously.
Gah. All these technological goodies and right now, I can't even afford a jump drive. What the hell. Something is very very wrong with this picture. :)
K.
This is what sucks about being a geek girl. I love that stuff. Shiny stuff. Good stuff. *Expensive* stuff.
Yeah. So I won't be getting an ipad anytime soon but it's just so...so yummy.
In other news, my cell phone company is releasing a new phone that's supposed to be super awesome.
I just checked it out and I'm like....mmmmm...ok.
It has a touch screen typing pad. I hate those things.
I know, I know....it's supposed to be really easy but I always end up typing pornographic words without my permission. Or something. And I really like MY phone that has a slide out keypad and I can type away on it like a REAL keyboard (uh, because it basically is, only way smaller) and I'm happy with it.
It's also a first generation touch phone and that makes me feel old, somehow.
What I really want is a digital camera. A small one with some really cool features so I can take pictures and zoom in and all that good stuff. Oh, and it has a flash. (well, duh). That would be cool. I keep telling myself I should buy a fricking camera but the money tree never has any money on it when I need it. So no camera.
Sides, I'd much rather have a laptop. I have my priorities. Although, you can't take a photo with a laptop...at least, not without cheating.
Speaking of laptops, there is one that I've been lusting over for some time now. It's RED. (my favourite colour EVAH) and it has a blu ray player in it. And that's good enough for me. I'm not a hard core gamer so I don't need something that would support, say, SIMS 3 on it. I DO love my multi media, however, and knowing I could pop a blu ray movie into my laptop and watch it makes me get the warm fuzzies.
We shall see.
In the meantime, I slobber over ipads and smart phones and blue tooth speakerphone hook ups for a car (I seriously want one of those) and the other day, I saw a Lotus and I about died.
Although, I wonder, if one's driving a Lotus, don't they feel like their butt is hitting the pavement? Seriously.
Gah. All these technological goodies and right now, I can't even afford a jump drive. What the hell. Something is very very wrong with this picture. :)
K.
Monday, July 5, 2010
You aren't ready for this jelly....
Ah, Beyonce.
Ok. So it's been a few days since I last posted and I apologize.
There is a really good reason, though.
It's called being so sick, I thought I was going to die.
(I was going to capitalize all of that but that sounded even too dramatic to ME).
See, I was going to go to CONvergence with my Awesome Guy and my sons and we were going to hang out and have a great time and since this would have been my boys' first CON EVER, I wanted to be there.
Well, I kind of was.
I was sick Wednesday morning. By Wednesday night, my temperature had gone up even higher. I had friends come over and stay overnight and I was taking ibuprofen and sitting around, all miserable, but wanting to talk to them and finally I went back to bed.
Thursday morning came and I felt a little bit better....but I still had a fever so my Awesome Guy took my sons to CON to register and hang out for a bit and then one of my bestest friends took them under her wing and my other friends helped and they ended up staying there late that night.
I was very happy for them but very sad. And my fever was still climbing.
Friday morning, I was at 102. And the aches were killing me. I thought it was the flu but the medicine I was taking wasn't even touching the fever and when I took a shower, my skin was so hot, the water evaporated from it. I didn't need to towel down my legs....they were all ready dry.
I think I can safely say that I don't want to experience THAT ever again.
So my Awesome Guy took me to a clinic where I thought Urgent Care opened up at 9 am but I thought it was Saturday and it was really Friday and it didn't open until 11 am and I wanted to cry but the nice lady found me an appointment at my other clinic with a doctor I know and so we went to the other clinic where my temperature peaked at 102.9. And I was light headed. And achy.
My nurse was very concerned. She swabbed me for a strep test. If you've never had one of those before, it's usually uncomfortable. They take long wooden q tips (basically) and stick them down your throat to the choke part (where you feel like you're getting choked by these fuzzy sticks of death) and then they swab your throat.
This is how sick I was: it felt good. She pulled the sticks up and it was like...ewwwww....she said, "I think you have strep." I was like, "yeah...that would explain it."
So the test was positive for strep and I got medicine that I could take because I'm allergic to most everything under the sun, including penicillin and by late afternoon on Friday, I started to feel better.
My Awesome Guy was excited. He wanted to know if I wanted to go that night but I was still contagious and I told him, "no way....but possibly tomorrow." And he was all excited about that, too.
By the next day, I was feeling pretty perky (whereas before, I was feeling not so perky) and was able to go to CON with him and my sons and had a fab time and everything.
And now, today, I feel much better. I have to study for my last ASL test because I was too sick on Thursday to go to school and take it but that's OK because my teacher is very awesome and I can take it this Wednesday morning. I'm all excited.
But please. I do not want to get this sick again for a very very long time. Because it really wasn't my idea of fun at all.
K.
Ok. So it's been a few days since I last posted and I apologize.
There is a really good reason, though.
It's called being so sick, I thought I was going to die.
(I was going to capitalize all of that but that sounded even too dramatic to ME).
See, I was going to go to CONvergence with my Awesome Guy and my sons and we were going to hang out and have a great time and since this would have been my boys' first CON EVER, I wanted to be there.
Well, I kind of was.
I was sick Wednesday morning. By Wednesday night, my temperature had gone up even higher. I had friends come over and stay overnight and I was taking ibuprofen and sitting around, all miserable, but wanting to talk to them and finally I went back to bed.
Thursday morning came and I felt a little bit better....but I still had a fever so my Awesome Guy took my sons to CON to register and hang out for a bit and then one of my bestest friends took them under her wing and my other friends helped and they ended up staying there late that night.
I was very happy for them but very sad. And my fever was still climbing.
Friday morning, I was at 102. And the aches were killing me. I thought it was the flu but the medicine I was taking wasn't even touching the fever and when I took a shower, my skin was so hot, the water evaporated from it. I didn't need to towel down my legs....they were all ready dry.
I think I can safely say that I don't want to experience THAT ever again.
So my Awesome Guy took me to a clinic where I thought Urgent Care opened up at 9 am but I thought it was Saturday and it was really Friday and it didn't open until 11 am and I wanted to cry but the nice lady found me an appointment at my other clinic with a doctor I know and so we went to the other clinic where my temperature peaked at 102.9. And I was light headed. And achy.
My nurse was very concerned. She swabbed me for a strep test. If you've never had one of those before, it's usually uncomfortable. They take long wooden q tips (basically) and stick them down your throat to the choke part (where you feel like you're getting choked by these fuzzy sticks of death) and then they swab your throat.
This is how sick I was: it felt good. She pulled the sticks up and it was like...ewwwww....she said, "I think you have strep." I was like, "yeah...that would explain it."
So the test was positive for strep and I got medicine that I could take because I'm allergic to most everything under the sun, including penicillin and by late afternoon on Friday, I started to feel better.
My Awesome Guy was excited. He wanted to know if I wanted to go that night but I was still contagious and I told him, "no way....but possibly tomorrow." And he was all excited about that, too.
By the next day, I was feeling pretty perky (whereas before, I was feeling not so perky) and was able to go to CON with him and my sons and had a fab time and everything.
And now, today, I feel much better. I have to study for my last ASL test because I was too sick on Thursday to go to school and take it but that's OK because my teacher is very awesome and I can take it this Wednesday morning. I'm all excited.
But please. I do not want to get this sick again for a very very long time. Because it really wasn't my idea of fun at all.
K.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Mysterious ways...
So this is how things work.
I have a really good friend who had a house warming party at his new place. My Awesome Guy and I went and we had a good time. We met his friends and talked to the ones we knew and introduced ourselves to the ones we didn't know.
After the party, I went home and looked up the friends who I "clicked" with and made friend requests on Facebook. And they all said, "Yeah! I like this idea!" Which always makes me happy. I like that people want to get to know me as much as I want to get to know THEM.
So one of my new friends posted that he had a digital piano that he wanted to give away and I just *happened* to see that post and I responded first. So I get this awesome digital piano.
I have been wanting a piano now for the past six months or so but they are a little spendy and so I've thought that when the time was right, I'd buy one. I used to play piano and I took 10 years of classical piano so it's not like I don't know HOW to play....I've just never had the opportunity TO play on a piano that is in my own house.
And now, just because I know someone very cool and just because I went to his house warming party, I was able to meet his other cool friends. And then, one of them has a piano he is giving away. Giving away. I feel like I've won the lotto or something.
That plus I get a vacuum thrown in to the deal and I'm ultra happy about that! I HAVE a vacuum but, um, well....ok, I FORGOT where the bags are for it and so I haven't been able to vacuum the living room in about three weeks and it's driving me CRAZY!!!
So. Another vacuum cleaner WITH BAGS THAT I WILL KEEP TRACK OF, thankyouverymuch.
I always feel that what you do comes back to you. You do good things for others and good things will happen back. And I don't mean, "do this so I can get this." No, that's not how it works. It's do this because it's the right thing to do. Or because I want to help someone out. Or because I know it'll make someone's day better. Just because...there is no reward in it for me other than a smile and a startled look sometimes and a "thank you!" to which I go, "you're welcome. My pleasure." And it is.
As far as bad things happening to people...even though there are a few people I admittedly wouldn't mind a house falling on them (or even a very heavy piano), I keep the thought in my head that what comes around goes around, and that includes the bad. I've seen, given time, that the people who are mean and hurtful and all that DO get their just desserts. I don't have to do a thing.
Sides, as my bro, the Notorious B.I.L.L. has said, "Karma is a bitch. And she has friends."
Why yes...yes, she does.
But enough of that. It just tickles me pink to know that connecting with people can grant me the most amazing things. And even better, connecting with people gives me that kinship, that spark that lets me relate to them, no matter who they are.
It's amazing and it's cool and it's mindblowing, sometimes.
I can't see the big picture in my life...but when I take the time and look back, I can see how the people I've met are interweaved and how events, big and small, have given me so much. Even the hurtful stuff. I've learned from that and while I can wryly say that I'd much rather have NOT experienced that...it's made me who I am today.
And who I am today has me pretty happy, for the most part.
In the meantime, I just enjoy the way people link to me and I link to them and how being kind and generous to others not only gives me the immediate happiness of helping others...but also, sometimes....I reap the benefits in totally unexpected ways.
K.
I have a really good friend who had a house warming party at his new place. My Awesome Guy and I went and we had a good time. We met his friends and talked to the ones we knew and introduced ourselves to the ones we didn't know.
After the party, I went home and looked up the friends who I "clicked" with and made friend requests on Facebook. And they all said, "Yeah! I like this idea!" Which always makes me happy. I like that people want to get to know me as much as I want to get to know THEM.
So one of my new friends posted that he had a digital piano that he wanted to give away and I just *happened* to see that post and I responded first. So I get this awesome digital piano.
I have been wanting a piano now for the past six months or so but they are a little spendy and so I've thought that when the time was right, I'd buy one. I used to play piano and I took 10 years of classical piano so it's not like I don't know HOW to play....I've just never had the opportunity TO play on a piano that is in my own house.
And now, just because I know someone very cool and just because I went to his house warming party, I was able to meet his other cool friends. And then, one of them has a piano he is giving away. Giving away. I feel like I've won the lotto or something.
That plus I get a vacuum thrown in to the deal and I'm ultra happy about that! I HAVE a vacuum but, um, well....ok, I FORGOT where the bags are for it and so I haven't been able to vacuum the living room in about three weeks and it's driving me CRAZY!!!
So. Another vacuum cleaner WITH BAGS THAT I WILL KEEP TRACK OF, thankyouverymuch.
I always feel that what you do comes back to you. You do good things for others and good things will happen back. And I don't mean, "do this so I can get this." No, that's not how it works. It's do this because it's the right thing to do. Or because I want to help someone out. Or because I know it'll make someone's day better. Just because...there is no reward in it for me other than a smile and a startled look sometimes and a "thank you!" to which I go, "you're welcome. My pleasure." And it is.
As far as bad things happening to people...even though there are a few people I admittedly wouldn't mind a house falling on them (or even a very heavy piano), I keep the thought in my head that what comes around goes around, and that includes the bad. I've seen, given time, that the people who are mean and hurtful and all that DO get their just desserts. I don't have to do a thing.
Sides, as my bro, the Notorious B.I.L.L. has said, "Karma is a bitch. And she has friends."
Why yes...yes, she does.
But enough of that. It just tickles me pink to know that connecting with people can grant me the most amazing things. And even better, connecting with people gives me that kinship, that spark that lets me relate to them, no matter who they are.
It's amazing and it's cool and it's mindblowing, sometimes.
I can't see the big picture in my life...but when I take the time and look back, I can see how the people I've met are interweaved and how events, big and small, have given me so much. Even the hurtful stuff. I've learned from that and while I can wryly say that I'd much rather have NOT experienced that...it's made me who I am today.
And who I am today has me pretty happy, for the most part.
In the meantime, I just enjoy the way people link to me and I link to them and how being kind and generous to others not only gives me the immediate happiness of helping others...but also, sometimes....I reap the benefits in totally unexpected ways.
K.
Hairography
I Loved that episode of Glee where Rachel was talking about "hairography"...it made me giggle and it made perfect sense to me.
That plus those girls were really *working* that hair...swinging it around, letting it bounce, and the blow outs!!! heh. Yes, hair is sexy.
Which brings me to my latest conundrum. I have rather short hair now. In a pique of, "I'm Ms. Independent, thanksmuchbai", I cut my shoulder length hair off. Completely redid my whole 'do, so to speak. It was liberating and a little scary. I hadn't had short hair like this for quite some time.
And I've been maintaining it. It's a nice modified bob that's a tad bit asymmetrical and it's cute. That plus I haven't dyed it (no money honey) and so my silver is streaking through it and it is kinda cool. In a total geek girl way, of course.
But now...I want braids. I want to be able to take my hair and loop it up into two pigtails. I also want to have it down to my mid waist because it's kinda cool that way....
But this means that I have to grow my short hair out. Oh, man.
And it's cut in cute little layers all over.
Yes, oh man indeed.
This is going to take the better part of two years. Yes. TWO years. My hair grows rabbit fast but it's short and for all those layers to grow out and for it to be at least shoulder length so I can start braiding it and piggytailing it and all of that...
TWO FREAKING YEARS.
This is where I wish there was a potion I could take and I could like, have long hair in two weeks. That would be nice.
But it's not going to happen so I'll deal.
I read a book about why men like women with long hair (and why women like certain types of men during their peak ovulation time of the month). This book was awesome. It scientifically broke down certain physical attributes and I was amazed.
But this part talked about how for men, a woman who had long hair meant that she was probably healthy and it showed that she could grow long, healthy hair over, say, a two year's time period (which is about what it takes to get shoulder length hair). And a healthy woman with healthy hair is likely to have healthy babies. Yes, it's all about the men and carrying on their genetic *stuff*. Hee.
Amazing, no? So even though men might not MIND short hair...something in their genomes says, buuuuuuuuuut....I really like women with long hair...even though I don't know why.
Myself? I would like longer hair just because it is fun to mess with and also, frankly, I'm getting kind of tired of this short hair business.
Time to grit my teeth and let the growing begin!
K.
That plus those girls were really *working* that hair...swinging it around, letting it bounce, and the blow outs!!! heh. Yes, hair is sexy.
Which brings me to my latest conundrum. I have rather short hair now. In a pique of, "I'm Ms. Independent, thanksmuchbai", I cut my shoulder length hair off. Completely redid my whole 'do, so to speak. It was liberating and a little scary. I hadn't had short hair like this for quite some time.
And I've been maintaining it. It's a nice modified bob that's a tad bit asymmetrical and it's cute. That plus I haven't dyed it (no money honey) and so my silver is streaking through it and it is kinda cool. In a total geek girl way, of course.
But now...I want braids. I want to be able to take my hair and loop it up into two pigtails. I also want to have it down to my mid waist because it's kinda cool that way....
But this means that I have to grow my short hair out. Oh, man.
And it's cut in cute little layers all over.
Yes, oh man indeed.
This is going to take the better part of two years. Yes. TWO years. My hair grows rabbit fast but it's short and for all those layers to grow out and for it to be at least shoulder length so I can start braiding it and piggytailing it and all of that...
TWO FREAKING YEARS.
This is where I wish there was a potion I could take and I could like, have long hair in two weeks. That would be nice.
But it's not going to happen so I'll deal.
I read a book about why men like women with long hair (and why women like certain types of men during their peak ovulation time of the month). This book was awesome. It scientifically broke down certain physical attributes and I was amazed.
But this part talked about how for men, a woman who had long hair meant that she was probably healthy and it showed that she could grow long, healthy hair over, say, a two year's time period (which is about what it takes to get shoulder length hair). And a healthy woman with healthy hair is likely to have healthy babies. Yes, it's all about the men and carrying on their genetic *stuff*. Hee.
Amazing, no? So even though men might not MIND short hair...something in their genomes says, buuuuuuuuuut....I really like women with long hair...even though I don't know why.
Myself? I would like longer hair just because it is fun to mess with and also, frankly, I'm getting kind of tired of this short hair business.
Time to grit my teeth and let the growing begin!
K.
Monday, June 21, 2010
How do I put this? NO!
Dear OKCupid Guy:
Hi there.
I don't know if you noticed, but my relationship status has changed to "in a relationship." Not even in an "open relationship" or "looking for extra booty" or whatever.
No, it says that I'm in a relationship. and I'm looking for friends.
So, tell me, eejit, what part of "looking for friends" do you not understand?
Oh, and then there's that little chat session we had. You know, the one where you started out by being nice and saying "hi" and I said, "oh, hullo" and then we talked and then you wanted to know if I was looking for something "more."
Dude.
If I were looking for something "more", I wouldn't be "in a relationship." I'd be "looking for something more." Is this difficult for you?
Oh, and for you to keep pressing the issue? You know, asking me if I'm being "satisfied" and if I was "sure" I was happy.
I tell you what. Right now, this very instant, I'm getting very UNhappy. Because you're being a jerkwad.
Don't come on to me. Don't tell me that you'd (insert sexual activity here) me. Don't get all mean when I gently tell you that I'm with the guy I Love with all my heart and I'm really looking for friends only.
Just like it says on my profile, you know?
*sigh*
But then again, at least you weren't like the Other Guy who sent me an email that was so disgusting and disrespectful, I reported it. That email scared me. It was mean. It was unasked for. I felt like I was unsafe and I'm just sitting here, reading this email and wanting to throw up.
My Awesome Guy was most not happy but he knows I'm a Big Girl and can take care of myself and I did.
But you...wanting to get into my pants or whatever. Please. If you're wondering why you're single, let me help you.
You don't respect boundaries. You don't talk to a woman like she's a person. You won't take responsibility for your piggish behavior.
This, my friend, will definitely ensure your bachelorhood for some time.
I hope you like your hand a lot.
It's going to be your best friend along with Mr. Lotion for quite some time.
No Love,
K.
Hi there.
I don't know if you noticed, but my relationship status has changed to "in a relationship." Not even in an "open relationship" or "looking for extra booty" or whatever.
No, it says that I'm in a relationship. and I'm looking for friends.
So, tell me, eejit, what part of "looking for friends" do you not understand?
Oh, and then there's that little chat session we had. You know, the one where you started out by being nice and saying "hi" and I said, "oh, hullo" and then we talked and then you wanted to know if I was looking for something "more."
Dude.
If I were looking for something "more", I wouldn't be "in a relationship." I'd be "looking for something more." Is this difficult for you?
Oh, and for you to keep pressing the issue? You know, asking me if I'm being "satisfied" and if I was "sure" I was happy.
I tell you what. Right now, this very instant, I'm getting very UNhappy. Because you're being a jerkwad.
Don't come on to me. Don't tell me that you'd (insert sexual activity here) me. Don't get all mean when I gently tell you that I'm with the guy I Love with all my heart and I'm really looking for friends only.
Just like it says on my profile, you know?
*sigh*
But then again, at least you weren't like the Other Guy who sent me an email that was so disgusting and disrespectful, I reported it. That email scared me. It was mean. It was unasked for. I felt like I was unsafe and I'm just sitting here, reading this email and wanting to throw up.
My Awesome Guy was most not happy but he knows I'm a Big Girl and can take care of myself and I did.
But you...wanting to get into my pants or whatever. Please. If you're wondering why you're single, let me help you.
You don't respect boundaries. You don't talk to a woman like she's a person. You won't take responsibility for your piggish behavior.
This, my friend, will definitely ensure your bachelorhood for some time.
I hope you like your hand a lot.
It's going to be your best friend along with Mr. Lotion for quite some time.
No Love,
K.
Disclaimer: I never said I was bluffing
So I'm thinking I need to write in this here blog on a regular basis.
(Consider it my version of eating bran....)
With that in mind, I run into the age old dilemna. Exactly how much do I write about? What should I reveal about my geek self?
I maintain another Journal that's devoted to writing stuff that is more private. At least, for now. After all, I need someplace to vent and someplace to rage and someplace to let things go.
After all, GOOD girls don't do that.
I feel that strange pull, sometimes....the pull that says, "be a good girl and don't make a fuss" and the pull that says, bluntly, "Fuck that noise. Be myself and pull no punches."
To which the wiser part of me says, ummm...yeah. That hasn't worked out so well in the past in certain situations. Diplomacy is a good thing. So is tact. And so is knowing when to keep one's mouth *shut*.
It really does become a balancing act. I know of people who proudly say, "I say whatever I want. I say whatever I think or feel and if you don't like it, TOO BAD." I just look at them and think, "well, that explains a lot."
I have found that you can say the same thing to someone by using different words. Or by waiting until the anger has passed. Or by thinking it through and then deciding that it really isn't worth banging your head against the wall and so let sleeping dogs lie.
But I think, here, I'll balance it out. I'm not going to lie about a damn thing. But I'm not going to blindside anyone with Information Overload.
I may be a geek girl, but at least I can read social cues. Well, most of the time.
So I'll try to Remember this when a topic comes up that I feel must simply be talked about. Very. Firmly.
Right. Call it the iron fist in a velvet glove approach. Or, as one of my favourite quotes go: Speak softly and carry a big stick.
Yes, my friends. A big ass whooping stick. I'm down with that.
K.
(Consider it my version of eating bran....)
With that in mind, I run into the age old dilemna. Exactly how much do I write about? What should I reveal about my geek self?
I maintain another Journal that's devoted to writing stuff that is more private. At least, for now. After all, I need someplace to vent and someplace to rage and someplace to let things go.
After all, GOOD girls don't do that.
I feel that strange pull, sometimes....the pull that says, "be a good girl and don't make a fuss" and the pull that says, bluntly, "Fuck that noise. Be myself and pull no punches."
To which the wiser part of me says, ummm...yeah. That hasn't worked out so well in the past in certain situations. Diplomacy is a good thing. So is tact. And so is knowing when to keep one's mouth *shut*.
It really does become a balancing act. I know of people who proudly say, "I say whatever I want. I say whatever I think or feel and if you don't like it, TOO BAD." I just look at them and think, "well, that explains a lot."
I have found that you can say the same thing to someone by using different words. Or by waiting until the anger has passed. Or by thinking it through and then deciding that it really isn't worth banging your head against the wall and so let sleeping dogs lie.
But I think, here, I'll balance it out. I'm not going to lie about a damn thing. But I'm not going to blindside anyone with Information Overload.
I may be a geek girl, but at least I can read social cues. Well, most of the time.
So I'll try to Remember this when a topic comes up that I feel must simply be talked about. Very. Firmly.
Right. Call it the iron fist in a velvet glove approach. Or, as one of my favourite quotes go: Speak softly and carry a big stick.
Yes, my friends. A big ass whooping stick. I'm down with that.
K.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
The moon, the moon, the moon is on FIRE!!!
Ok.
If you're a guy and you don't like reading about woman *stuff*, I suggest you skip this post.
If you're a girl and you're not really comfortable talking about woman *stuff*, you might also want to exit stage left.
Ok. Everyone here who wants to be here?
Good.
I must thank my very very good friend and honourary sister for buying me a very special gift.
It has changed the way I feel about my moon cycle.
I know. *gasp* Strange, but true!
Here's the thing, my precious ones...part of the reason I abhor my moon cycle is the mess. I mean, I know I'm supposed to rejoice in my womanly goodness but I can find other ways that don't make me feel like a bloated cow. A bloated cow that is bleeding out of private places. Profusely.
Seriously, the first day or two of my moon cycle, I might as well be cast in a horror film.
And the toilet paper company LOVES me cuz I seem to go through about three rolls a DAY because of my insistence on being *clean*. Or at least, as clean as I can be.
And then, I use pads and so I have to roll THOSE up in toilet paper too because it's so gross to not do so. I mean, really.
And...yeah.
But my sis gifted me with a Diva cup. What, you may ask, is a Diva cup?
It's a little container that you insert to sit snug right there whereabouts a tampon goes (a bit lower though) and it catches your moon cycle. No mess. No worries about overflow or staining the sheets and/or your panties.
OH, no. It just goes right into this cup. And then, you gently take it out, dispose of your moon cycle, rinse the cup out, and insert again.
Ta da!!! It's better than rabbits and top hats, I swear.
And very little mess!!!
And it's so neat. I can barely feel that it's there and it saves TONS on paper products from the pads and such and I am so happy.
Now, the moon cycle is still not my favourite thing. I still get cramps and my breasts get tender and I bloat and I ask for lots of back rubs. My poor Awesome guy.
But now....it's a little less unbearable cuz of my Diva cup.
Do you want a Diva cup? You can order them online and they come in different sizes (cuz we all are different sizes) and it's so neat.
Here's the info to their website: www.divacup.com
That plus I also received cloth panty liners and those rock. They snap around my panties and they are SO comfy. And I just wash them.
I'm really happy that I can be green with my own body stuff, too.
Ok. Done with this woman post...but wanted to spread the word. Diva cup. If you use a tampon, you can definitely use one of these. And if you aren't comfortable with a tampon (like I am), this isn't like a tampon to me at all. WAAAAY more comfortable.
Ok, guys...you can come back. Next post will be lots more fun. Promise.
K.
If you're a guy and you don't like reading about woman *stuff*, I suggest you skip this post.
If you're a girl and you're not really comfortable talking about woman *stuff*, you might also want to exit stage left.
Ok. Everyone here who wants to be here?
Good.
I must thank my very very good friend and honourary sister for buying me a very special gift.
It has changed the way I feel about my moon cycle.
I know. *gasp* Strange, but true!
Here's the thing, my precious ones...part of the reason I abhor my moon cycle is the mess. I mean, I know I'm supposed to rejoice in my womanly goodness but I can find other ways that don't make me feel like a bloated cow. A bloated cow that is bleeding out of private places. Profusely.
Seriously, the first day or two of my moon cycle, I might as well be cast in a horror film.
And the toilet paper company LOVES me cuz I seem to go through about three rolls a DAY because of my insistence on being *clean*. Or at least, as clean as I can be.
And then, I use pads and so I have to roll THOSE up in toilet paper too because it's so gross to not do so. I mean, really.
And...yeah.
But my sis gifted me with a Diva cup. What, you may ask, is a Diva cup?
It's a little container that you insert to sit snug right there whereabouts a tampon goes (a bit lower though) and it catches your moon cycle. No mess. No worries about overflow or staining the sheets and/or your panties.
OH, no. It just goes right into this cup. And then, you gently take it out, dispose of your moon cycle, rinse the cup out, and insert again.
Ta da!!! It's better than rabbits and top hats, I swear.
And very little mess!!!
And it's so neat. I can barely feel that it's there and it saves TONS on paper products from the pads and such and I am so happy.
Now, the moon cycle is still not my favourite thing. I still get cramps and my breasts get tender and I bloat and I ask for lots of back rubs. My poor Awesome guy.
But now....it's a little less unbearable cuz of my Diva cup.
Do you want a Diva cup? You can order them online and they come in different sizes (cuz we all are different sizes) and it's so neat.
Here's the info to their website: www.divacup.com
That plus I also received cloth panty liners and those rock. They snap around my panties and they are SO comfy. And I just wash them.
I'm really happy that I can be green with my own body stuff, too.
Ok. Done with this woman post...but wanted to spread the word. Diva cup. If you use a tampon, you can definitely use one of these. And if you aren't comfortable with a tampon (like I am), this isn't like a tampon to me at all. WAAAAY more comfortable.
Ok, guys...you can come back. Next post will be lots more fun. Promise.
K.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Learning to Sign
I have decided that I LOVE sign language.
I am right now, learning sign language and I am having a ball. Well, except on test days, when I get myself worked up into an overanxious frenzy.
Other than that, I am learning how to communicate in a new and different way and I am challenging my brain to rewire itself. At times, it's painful. And a bit frustrating.
I feel like I'm standing on the ocean's edge, my toes in the surf, and I can see how very large the ocean is and how deep and how much MORE there is to it.
That's how I feel with learning to sign. I can get by pretty good now. But there is so much MORE to learn. New signs. Faster signing. And it would be really nice if my comprehension of finger spelling was just a tad bit faster.
But for the most part, it's going well.
My teacher is grand. She is a wonderful lady who makes it engaging and fun to learn. She tells us stories. "True stories" she calls them and we watch her sign.
She is one of those rare deaf people who speak as well as sign. So she speaks to us...but now, as we are progressing in class, she's talking less and less. And I sit, intensely concentrating on her hands, her face, reading her face and body language.
That's what sign is, you know. It's difficult to lie in sign. Your body gives you away anyway, and with sign language, you MUST use your body. Your face, your hands, your shoulders, your upper waist to create this...this...field in which you show your feelings, your thoughts, your beliefs.
She tells us of how hard it is to be deaf. How hard it is to be a deaf person who can also speak. She's caught between two worlds. Sometimes, it's good. And sometimes, it's frustrating, it's heartbreaking, it's enough to make you want to throw up your hands and go, "Enough! I'm tired of this shit! Enough!"
As someone who has never "fit in" to the dictates of society, I understand how she feels. As someone who grew up as a minority in a town of white folk, it's a double understanding.
I think we all speak our own language at times. I think it takes effort to want to learn someone else's language and not feel as though they must learn our own. Sometimes, we speak the same way. We all want Love and acceptance. We all want to feel safe and treasured. That doesn't matter if you live in the slums of India or the slums of Detroit. It doesn't matter if you have all the money in the world or if you struggle each day, living hand to mouth.
Pare us down to our elements, take away the pettiness and the distractions and all of us are the same, really.
It saddens me to see people forget this. It saddens me to see people divide themselves by colour or creed or moral belief. It horrifies me to see them act out on it. War. Genocide. Hate crimes. Abuse. Intolerance.
I wonder, sometimes, what would happen, if we took away all the voices. If we took away all but one way to communicate, and that by signing to one another. You can sign Hate. But you can also sign Love.
So I continue in my studies. It is my goal, someday, to be fluent in sign language. Someday, I'm going to use my knowledge of sign language to open doors, to stop abuse, to offer hope and help.
I can sign to you, "I like you." I can sign to you, "I Love you." I can sign to you, "You are beautiful."
Do you want to learn? I can show you. It starts like that. Words linked together that make people smile, that make them feel good, that make them...change.
I'm standing at the edge of the ocean, this is true, but I'm wading in deeper. I know the dangers. But I think it's worth the risk.
K.
I am right now, learning sign language and I am having a ball. Well, except on test days, when I get myself worked up into an overanxious frenzy.
Other than that, I am learning how to communicate in a new and different way and I am challenging my brain to rewire itself. At times, it's painful. And a bit frustrating.
I feel like I'm standing on the ocean's edge, my toes in the surf, and I can see how very large the ocean is and how deep and how much MORE there is to it.
That's how I feel with learning to sign. I can get by pretty good now. But there is so much MORE to learn. New signs. Faster signing. And it would be really nice if my comprehension of finger spelling was just a tad bit faster.
But for the most part, it's going well.
My teacher is grand. She is a wonderful lady who makes it engaging and fun to learn. She tells us stories. "True stories" she calls them and we watch her sign.
She is one of those rare deaf people who speak as well as sign. So she speaks to us...but now, as we are progressing in class, she's talking less and less. And I sit, intensely concentrating on her hands, her face, reading her face and body language.
That's what sign is, you know. It's difficult to lie in sign. Your body gives you away anyway, and with sign language, you MUST use your body. Your face, your hands, your shoulders, your upper waist to create this...this...field in which you show your feelings, your thoughts, your beliefs.
She tells us of how hard it is to be deaf. How hard it is to be a deaf person who can also speak. She's caught between two worlds. Sometimes, it's good. And sometimes, it's frustrating, it's heartbreaking, it's enough to make you want to throw up your hands and go, "Enough! I'm tired of this shit! Enough!"
As someone who has never "fit in" to the dictates of society, I understand how she feels. As someone who grew up as a minority in a town of white folk, it's a double understanding.
I think we all speak our own language at times. I think it takes effort to want to learn someone else's language and not feel as though they must learn our own. Sometimes, we speak the same way. We all want Love and acceptance. We all want to feel safe and treasured. That doesn't matter if you live in the slums of India or the slums of Detroit. It doesn't matter if you have all the money in the world or if you struggle each day, living hand to mouth.
Pare us down to our elements, take away the pettiness and the distractions and all of us are the same, really.
It saddens me to see people forget this. It saddens me to see people divide themselves by colour or creed or moral belief. It horrifies me to see them act out on it. War. Genocide. Hate crimes. Abuse. Intolerance.
I wonder, sometimes, what would happen, if we took away all the voices. If we took away all but one way to communicate, and that by signing to one another. You can sign Hate. But you can also sign Love.
So I continue in my studies. It is my goal, someday, to be fluent in sign language. Someday, I'm going to use my knowledge of sign language to open doors, to stop abuse, to offer hope and help.
I can sign to you, "I like you." I can sign to you, "I Love you." I can sign to you, "You are beautiful."
Do you want to learn? I can show you. It starts like that. Words linked together that make people smile, that make them feel good, that make them...change.
I'm standing at the edge of the ocean, this is true, but I'm wading in deeper. I know the dangers. But I think it's worth the risk.
K.
Do these dice make me look fat?
So it's about that time of year again.
I attend ONE Con, although that might change this next winter as I will probably end up going to Con of the North.
But I digress.
The first weekend in July (around the fourth and whatnot), here in my fair city of Minneapolis, there is a Con.
Ah, yes. For those of you who don't know what a Con is, let me explain.
First, the dictionary says:
CONVENTION
Pronunciation: \kən-ˈven(t)-shən\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French or Latin; Middle French, from Latin convention-, conventio, from convenire
Date: 15th century
1 a : agreement, contract b : an agreement between states for regulation of matters affecting all of them c : a compact between opposing commanders especially concerning prisoner exchange or armistice d : a general agreement about basic principles or procedures; also : a principle or procedure accepted as true or correct by convention
2 a : the summoning or convening of an assembly b : an assembly of persons met for a common purpose; especially : a meeting of the delegates of a political party for the purpose of formulating a platform and selecting candidates for office c : the usually state or national organization of a religious denomination
3 a : usage or custom especially in social matters b : a rule of conduct or behavior c : a practice in bidding or playing that conveys information between partners in a card game (as bridge) d : an established technique, practice, or device (as in the theater)
Wow. Learn a new thing every day, huh?
So anyway, THIS particular Convention is called CONvergence and it's the meeting of the minds, as it were. A meeting of all things Science Fiction and fantasy and a mash up of movies and tv and comics and gaming and anime and fan clubs and music and art and...and...and...well, just a whole bunch of cool stuff.
Of course, when it involves all sorts of alcoholic drinks and licentious behavior, the meeting of the minds becomes a wee bit...muddled, shall we say.
There was a time, long, long ago when I attended a Con, running around in outfits that would definitely have me arrested in a small town. And then, I'd be starring in my very own Prison Love Movie. *cough*
But I'm supposed to be a responsible person, now, and besides, I'm bringing my two sons to CON this year and I would rather not have them horrified by anything that *I* might do.
So this year, I am going to be a Good Girl (for those who know me, I can see your eyes rolling. Yes, I can).
Then there's the other little Matter.
I have discovered that even though I have pretty awesome genetics, Father Time is an asshole.
And I have a burning hatred for Photoshop when used to make a person something that isn't real. Also, for magazines that show pictures of people who are inhumanly beautiful. Perfect. Skin, hair, face, body.
Let's not even get onto the subject that anyone who is a say, size 6 or above is invisible, sexless, and unattractive. Yes, let's not.
As it is, I'm rather reluctant to run around like Sheena of the Jungle when my version of Sheena is someone who's wearing nicely around the edges.
I should be OK about this but let's be honest. I'm not. I'm not crazy about the fact that my middle makes me look like a koala bear. Or that I have discovered cellulite on my thighs. And other places. Or that my underarms are now doing that crazy chicken dance. And then there's my breasts.
Last year, I got all excited because I thought that somehow, my breasts got bigger. To give you an idea, I can shop for bras in the girls' section at Target. So you can imagine my delight when I thought that I had gone up a size. I had some cleavage. Well, it was there, honest, it was.
And then, I realized that what happened was that some of the firmness in my top shelf...well, it eroded.
So I'm not a perky A cup. I'm like a semi enthusiastic almost B cup. That's cheating, I'm sure.
But to go on...
I'm happy that I've decided to stop colouring my hair...at least, with normal colours. I'm getting silver strands and it actually looks kind of cool. Of course, I keep wishing that it would materialize into a Grendelesque streak. Or be more like Kitty Pryde's. Alas....no.
But it still looks kinda neat so until I have the funds to dye my hair with dark blue and light blue highlights (because it would look wicked cool), I'm content to let my hair silver naturally.
I have plans, of course, as far as my traitorous body is concerned. They involve lifting weights to tone my arms (and to make those chickens roost, damn it). And to go swimming. And to go on bicycle rides.
All those neat things. Although, I DO see a bit of a logistical problem with getting into a swimsuit without feeling like I should immediately tie a handkerchief around my eyes and ask for a cigarette...
Still. I can either whine about my body or I can do something about it. I'd much rather do something about it.
And yet, I am careful with this because I realize that I've been swallowing the same poison that other women and girls have also been swallowing for years. That expectation that I should look a certain way. I know the fountain of youth has been desired since almost the beginning of time....but I also know that somehow, becoming older and *gasp* showing one's age is repugnant and wrong.
And that's wrong. If I'm going to age, then I'm going to age gracefully and not worry if my body or my face shows my age. I'd like to think it also shows my wisdom, shows my life experiences, shows the heart ache and the triumphs....a whole story, a whole catalogue of stories, writ upon my face and my hands...my body and myself and I shouldn't feel ashamed.
So while I want to look toned and "in shape"...I don't want to try and be something I'm not. I don't want to be foolish and grasp at an age that has gone by. I'm no longer that 20 something girl.
So this CON, I'm not going to be afraid to show my age. There's more to me than my face and my figure. And I'm not going to feel inferior to those young women whose bodies are what mine used to be. It's OK. My friends and Chosen Family Love me for me. I know for sure my sons and my Awesome Guy do.
It shouldn't have taken me this long to figure that out.
K.
I attend ONE Con, although that might change this next winter as I will probably end up going to Con of the North.
But I digress.
The first weekend in July (around the fourth and whatnot), here in my fair city of Minneapolis, there is a Con.
Ah, yes. For those of you who don't know what a Con is, let me explain.
First, the dictionary says:
CONVENTION
Pronunciation: \kən-ˈven(t)-shən\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French or Latin; Middle French, from Latin convention-, conventio, from convenire
Date: 15th century
1 a : agreement, contract b : an agreement between states for regulation of matters affecting all of them c : a compact between opposing commanders especially concerning prisoner exchange or armistice d : a general agreement about basic principles or procedures; also : a principle or procedure accepted as true or correct by convention
2 a : the summoning or convening of an assembly b : an assembly of persons met for a common purpose; especially : a meeting of the delegates of a political party for the purpose of formulating a platform and selecting candidates for office c : the usually state or national organization of a religious denomination
3 a : usage or custom especially in social matters b : a rule of conduct or behavior c : a practice in bidding or playing that conveys information between partners in a card game (as bridge) d : an established technique, practice, or device (as in the theater)
Wow. Learn a new thing every day, huh?
So anyway, THIS particular Convention is called CONvergence and it's the meeting of the minds, as it were. A meeting of all things Science Fiction and fantasy and a mash up of movies and tv and comics and gaming and anime and fan clubs and music and art and...and...and...well, just a whole bunch of cool stuff.
Of course, when it involves all sorts of alcoholic drinks and licentious behavior, the meeting of the minds becomes a wee bit...muddled, shall we say.
There was a time, long, long ago when I attended a Con, running around in outfits that would definitely have me arrested in a small town. And then, I'd be starring in my very own Prison Love Movie. *cough*
But I'm supposed to be a responsible person, now, and besides, I'm bringing my two sons to CON this year and I would rather not have them horrified by anything that *I* might do.
So this year, I am going to be a Good Girl (for those who know me, I can see your eyes rolling. Yes, I can).
Then there's the other little Matter.
I have discovered that even though I have pretty awesome genetics, Father Time is an asshole.
And I have a burning hatred for Photoshop when used to make a person something that isn't real. Also, for magazines that show pictures of people who are inhumanly beautiful. Perfect. Skin, hair, face, body.
Let's not even get onto the subject that anyone who is a say, size 6 or above is invisible, sexless, and unattractive. Yes, let's not.
As it is, I'm rather reluctant to run around like Sheena of the Jungle when my version of Sheena is someone who's wearing nicely around the edges.
I should be OK about this but let's be honest. I'm not. I'm not crazy about the fact that my middle makes me look like a koala bear. Or that I have discovered cellulite on my thighs. And other places. Or that my underarms are now doing that crazy chicken dance. And then there's my breasts.
Last year, I got all excited because I thought that somehow, my breasts got bigger. To give you an idea, I can shop for bras in the girls' section at Target. So you can imagine my delight when I thought that I had gone up a size. I had some cleavage. Well, it was there, honest, it was.
And then, I realized that what happened was that some of the firmness in my top shelf...well, it eroded.
So I'm not a perky A cup. I'm like a semi enthusiastic almost B cup. That's cheating, I'm sure.
But to go on...
I'm happy that I've decided to stop colouring my hair...at least, with normal colours. I'm getting silver strands and it actually looks kind of cool. Of course, I keep wishing that it would materialize into a Grendelesque streak. Or be more like Kitty Pryde's. Alas....no.
But it still looks kinda neat so until I have the funds to dye my hair with dark blue and light blue highlights (because it would look wicked cool), I'm content to let my hair silver naturally.
I have plans, of course, as far as my traitorous body is concerned. They involve lifting weights to tone my arms (and to make those chickens roost, damn it). And to go swimming. And to go on bicycle rides.
All those neat things. Although, I DO see a bit of a logistical problem with getting into a swimsuit without feeling like I should immediately tie a handkerchief around my eyes and ask for a cigarette...
Still. I can either whine about my body or I can do something about it. I'd much rather do something about it.
And yet, I am careful with this because I realize that I've been swallowing the same poison that other women and girls have also been swallowing for years. That expectation that I should look a certain way. I know the fountain of youth has been desired since almost the beginning of time....but I also know that somehow, becoming older and *gasp* showing one's age is repugnant and wrong.
And that's wrong. If I'm going to age, then I'm going to age gracefully and not worry if my body or my face shows my age. I'd like to think it also shows my wisdom, shows my life experiences, shows the heart ache and the triumphs....a whole story, a whole catalogue of stories, writ upon my face and my hands...my body and myself and I shouldn't feel ashamed.
So while I want to look toned and "in shape"...I don't want to try and be something I'm not. I don't want to be foolish and grasp at an age that has gone by. I'm no longer that 20 something girl.
So this CON, I'm not going to be afraid to show my age. There's more to me than my face and my figure. And I'm not going to feel inferior to those young women whose bodies are what mine used to be. It's OK. My friends and Chosen Family Love me for me. I know for sure my sons and my Awesome Guy do.
It shouldn't have taken me this long to figure that out.
K.
Monday, June 14, 2010
This really happened. Really!
I don't know if you've seen the video that has gone viral titled "This is what happens when BP execs spill coffee..."
If not, here's the video for you to giggle over. It was pitch perfect.
Did you watch the video??? Well, go watch it, for Heaven's sake so that you will get the rest of this post.
OK. So at Gaming the other night, my Awesome Guy and I showed his Gaming cohorts the video. There was a lot of snickering. And they all really liked it.
So they settled back to Game and I went back to perusing the internet (because I was there just to hang out and be around cool geek boys. I'm not dumb, you know)...
And my Awesome Guy accidentally tipped over his bottle of Coca Cola. And not that shitty crap they sell here in the USA. The one made with corn syrup that by all rights should have made us mutants by now. Anyway...THIS Coca Cola is made with REAL cane sugar.
Irony of ironies, we buy it in the Mexican food aisle. It's *imported*. From Mexico. To here. Canada also has Coca Cola made with cane sugar and I've had that and it's the motherfucking BOMB. I almost cried when the 12 pack was gone.
But I'm getting off topic here.
So the Coca Cola was spilled on the (thankfully) hardwood floor. All Gaming stops. We all look at each other and then, one of us says with a devilish twinkle in his eye, "Stop. Don't panic! It's a very small spill on a rather large surface."
YES!!!!!!
We all laughed and then another friend asked for some paper towel and I ripped off one small square and handed it to another friend who started sketching on it...and then we all snickered some more and cleaned up the very small spill.
It was so cool.
And I'm kicking myself for not recording it on my phone.
Sometimes, for a Geek girl, I can be kinda slow.
But yes. So thank you, BP for your stupidity and hubris. Because of you, our Game night was made so much funnier.
Ok, not really.
Now, who has some Canadian Coca Cola they can send me???
K.
If not, here's the video for you to giggle over. It was pitch perfect.
Did you watch the video??? Well, go watch it, for Heaven's sake so that you will get the rest of this post.
OK. So at Gaming the other night, my Awesome Guy and I showed his Gaming cohorts the video. There was a lot of snickering. And they all really liked it.
So they settled back to Game and I went back to perusing the internet (because I was there just to hang out and be around cool geek boys. I'm not dumb, you know)...
And my Awesome Guy accidentally tipped over his bottle of Coca Cola. And not that shitty crap they sell here in the USA. The one made with corn syrup that by all rights should have made us mutants by now. Anyway...THIS Coca Cola is made with REAL cane sugar.
Irony of ironies, we buy it in the Mexican food aisle. It's *imported*. From Mexico. To here. Canada also has Coca Cola made with cane sugar and I've had that and it's the motherfucking BOMB. I almost cried when the 12 pack was gone.
But I'm getting off topic here.
So the Coca Cola was spilled on the (thankfully) hardwood floor. All Gaming stops. We all look at each other and then, one of us says with a devilish twinkle in his eye, "Stop. Don't panic! It's a very small spill on a rather large surface."
YES!!!!!!
We all laughed and then another friend asked for some paper towel and I ripped off one small square and handed it to another friend who started sketching on it...and then we all snickered some more and cleaned up the very small spill.
It was so cool.
And I'm kicking myself for not recording it on my phone.
Sometimes, for a Geek girl, I can be kinda slow.
But yes. So thank you, BP for your stupidity and hubris. Because of you, our Game night was made so much funnier.
Ok, not really.
Now, who has some Canadian Coca Cola they can send me???
K.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I fell in Love at the age of 10....
If anyone is to blame for my fall into the geek world, it would be my aunt.
I received the set of Narnia books from her....all of them in a boxed set. I devoured them, one after the other and it was like this fire was lit inside of me.
MOAR!!!
So after those books, I started reading other books. One of them was called, I fuzzily recall, "Space Cat Goes to Mars." Yes. And I think there were other books in that series.
I entered the fantasy world with nary a glance back.
Here's a little secret that I want to share: when a girl has no friends and is lonely and sad most of the time, books can fill an empty void. Books can make the hurt go away for a while and I was always, always accepted in the worlds I entered. It didn't matter WHO I was. It didn't matter that I wasn't popular or pretty and that I was often afraid and cried when nobody was around.
I had a free pass, I had the Golden Ticket, dammit, to Somewhere Else.
And I used it. If I had a passport, I would have it filled with all the places I went. Narnia. The places of Ray Bradbury. Star Wars. The world of Krynn. CJ Cherryth. Stamp here, stamp there....stay here a while and just....soak it all in.
And it wasn't just fantasy. Fiction novels pulled me in as well...and poetry. And Shakespeare.
And I became a well rounded geek girl with quite the literary education at my fingertips and within my mind and, if I fell in Love, also in my heart.
I have moved from place to place and the first thing I always did, even before checking out where the local grocery store was or the gas station, was find out where the library was. And to get myself a library card as soon as I could.
I have my priorities, after all.
So it is with grave puzzlement that I see people who want to ban books to certain age groups. Books that are, to them, dangerous. Inappropriate. Seditious.
I understand that children should read books that they can handle. Emotional maturity is a good measuring stick towards what is appropriate for books and tv shows and movies and video games. Anything that we take in must be something we can deal with and not feel as though it were something we weren't ready for.
And I would like to think that those who are in charge of a child's development, whether it's their parent or their teacher or a mentor, would know what would be appropriate for their viewing or reading. And I am pretty sure that a child knows what they can handle as well. I know that I wouldn't read something that disturbed me. Or that I didn't understand.
Children aren't stupid. That has always been my stance and always will be. I wasn't stupid as a child and now that I'm raising children, I find that they aren't particularly stupid, either.
And I find that the books that are being nominated are the very books that people should be reading. Books that fire the imagination. Books that fire outrage. Books that make a person think. Dream. Feel.
These very books can start a fire within someone's heart. They can start a revolution. They can start....well, someone just might take up paper and pen and write and inspire someone else.
It's a chain reaction of fire and heart and emotion that links one person to another and binds us all together. Just by words on a page. How awesome is that???
Yeah. It's geek awesome.
So I wonder...I wonder if these people who want to ban books so that some or none can read them...what are they really afraid of?
Words on a page that can transform a person's thoughts, feelings....actions.
Powerful stuff.
Hm. In that case, we should just ban ALL books, not some.
That's some serious juju there.
K.
I received the set of Narnia books from her....all of them in a boxed set. I devoured them, one after the other and it was like this fire was lit inside of me.
MOAR!!!
So after those books, I started reading other books. One of them was called, I fuzzily recall, "Space Cat Goes to Mars." Yes. And I think there were other books in that series.
I entered the fantasy world with nary a glance back.
Here's a little secret that I want to share: when a girl has no friends and is lonely and sad most of the time, books can fill an empty void. Books can make the hurt go away for a while and I was always, always accepted in the worlds I entered. It didn't matter WHO I was. It didn't matter that I wasn't popular or pretty and that I was often afraid and cried when nobody was around.
I had a free pass, I had the Golden Ticket, dammit, to Somewhere Else.
And I used it. If I had a passport, I would have it filled with all the places I went. Narnia. The places of Ray Bradbury. Star Wars. The world of Krynn. CJ Cherryth. Stamp here, stamp there....stay here a while and just....soak it all in.
And it wasn't just fantasy. Fiction novels pulled me in as well...and poetry. And Shakespeare.
And I became a well rounded geek girl with quite the literary education at my fingertips and within my mind and, if I fell in Love, also in my heart.
I have moved from place to place and the first thing I always did, even before checking out where the local grocery store was or the gas station, was find out where the library was. And to get myself a library card as soon as I could.
I have my priorities, after all.
So it is with grave puzzlement that I see people who want to ban books to certain age groups. Books that are, to them, dangerous. Inappropriate. Seditious.
I understand that children should read books that they can handle. Emotional maturity is a good measuring stick towards what is appropriate for books and tv shows and movies and video games. Anything that we take in must be something we can deal with and not feel as though it were something we weren't ready for.
And I would like to think that those who are in charge of a child's development, whether it's their parent or their teacher or a mentor, would know what would be appropriate for their viewing or reading. And I am pretty sure that a child knows what they can handle as well. I know that I wouldn't read something that disturbed me. Or that I didn't understand.
Children aren't stupid. That has always been my stance and always will be. I wasn't stupid as a child and now that I'm raising children, I find that they aren't particularly stupid, either.
And I find that the books that are being nominated are the very books that people should be reading. Books that fire the imagination. Books that fire outrage. Books that make a person think. Dream. Feel.
These very books can start a fire within someone's heart. They can start a revolution. They can start....well, someone just might take up paper and pen and write and inspire someone else.
It's a chain reaction of fire and heart and emotion that links one person to another and binds us all together. Just by words on a page. How awesome is that???
Yeah. It's geek awesome.
So I wonder...I wonder if these people who want to ban books so that some or none can read them...what are they really afraid of?
Words on a page that can transform a person's thoughts, feelings....actions.
Powerful stuff.
Hm. In that case, we should just ban ALL books, not some.
That's some serious juju there.
K.
Stat sheet
Hi.
*waves*
This is where I'm supposed to talk about myself and tell you all about me and why I'm writing and blah blah blah.
Well, I can talk about myself a little.
And I can tell you about me a little.
And as to why I'm writing...well, that would take a few blog updates and everyone would be drooling and I don't want that to happen. Plus, no one wants to read all this stuff at one sitting.
It's like when I get all the background information for my character and it's in .pdf format and I'm looking at it and realizing that it's 300 *freaking pages long*. This is NOT Sparta!!! *wry smile*
*faint*
And that's just for me. It doesn't even cover the world or the customs or the other people or even the others in my group.
No, all this paper tree killing orgy love is for me. I'm feeling it.
Instead, I think we'll do this a little at a time.
Sides, a smart girl knows that to be interesting and not come across as self centered, it's much more interesting to give bits and bobs out at a time....a little here, a little there. More burlesque and less bombastic, please.
I will say this.
I'm a major geek girl. I always have been ever since I can remember. And just like any other flavour of geek, I have my quirks. I like certain geek stuff. I don't like others. I read certain authors and can rave about them for hours. Other authors left me cold. Same with movies and tv shows and music and....and....
And I'm blunt. Outspoken. A pain in the tush if I want to be although I find out that a person can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. There are times, however, when one just has to fire up the DeLorean and go for broke.
And I have thoughts. And feelings. And opinions. Just like everyone else. And I'll write about it and I won't pull any punches. I won't fake it. (ok...I never do fake it but just wanted to make that clear).
You don't have to agree with me. You don't have to like what I say. That's OK.
Being a total asshat, on the other hand, is not.
The Sarlacc pit is too good for you.
But I have lots to share....lots of stuff to link to because there is just so much awesomeness that is geek out there.
Lots of awesome people to get to know because they're so interesting and they don't mind a geek girl like me saying, "you're cool. I want to get to know you so I know how you tick."
And I'm not going to just write geek. That's just a starting platform, please. (think xbox then xbox 360 sort of thing).
Ready?
Fire up the Jumpgate....let's take this baby for a spin.
K.
*waves*
This is where I'm supposed to talk about myself and tell you all about me and why I'm writing and blah blah blah.
Well, I can talk about myself a little.
And I can tell you about me a little.
And as to why I'm writing...well, that would take a few blog updates and everyone would be drooling and I don't want that to happen. Plus, no one wants to read all this stuff at one sitting.
It's like when I get all the background information for my character and it's in .pdf format and I'm looking at it and realizing that it's 300 *freaking pages long*. This is NOT Sparta!!! *wry smile*
*faint*
And that's just for me. It doesn't even cover the world or the customs or the other people or even the others in my group.
No, all this paper tree killing orgy love is for me. I'm feeling it.
Instead, I think we'll do this a little at a time.
Sides, a smart girl knows that to be interesting and not come across as self centered, it's much more interesting to give bits and bobs out at a time....a little here, a little there. More burlesque and less bombastic, please.
I will say this.
I'm a major geek girl. I always have been ever since I can remember. And just like any other flavour of geek, I have my quirks. I like certain geek stuff. I don't like others. I read certain authors and can rave about them for hours. Other authors left me cold. Same with movies and tv shows and music and....and....
And I'm blunt. Outspoken. A pain in the tush if I want to be although I find out that a person can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. There are times, however, when one just has to fire up the DeLorean and go for broke.
And I have thoughts. And feelings. And opinions. Just like everyone else. And I'll write about it and I won't pull any punches. I won't fake it. (ok...I never do fake it but just wanted to make that clear).
You don't have to agree with me. You don't have to like what I say. That's OK.
Being a total asshat, on the other hand, is not.
The Sarlacc pit is too good for you.
But I have lots to share....lots of stuff to link to because there is just so much awesomeness that is geek out there.
Lots of awesome people to get to know because they're so interesting and they don't mind a geek girl like me saying, "you're cool. I want to get to know you so I know how you tick."
And I'm not going to just write geek. That's just a starting platform, please. (think xbox then xbox 360 sort of thing).
Ready?
Fire up the Jumpgate....let's take this baby for a spin.
K.
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