Wow.
College is intense. Not that I didn't know it wouldn't be but I am up to my ears in homework and making sure my assignments are due on time and all of that and boy.
Hi, how are you? I haven't talked to you in AGES.
I am, however, going to write in this blog at least once a week because the writing is my way to let the stress out and if I don't write, I'm a gonna blow like a tea kettle.
How are things going? Well, let me update you.
College Writing II is about writing a Research Paper. Gah. The good thing is that I get to choose the topic. The other good thing is is my teacher is pretty cool. That plus I have somehow been adopted by some highschool girls who are taking this class. They are on the danceline and they come from practice to the school so they have their hair all done up and are kind of adorable. God, I feel old.
At any rate, I have about nine articles to read and highlight and write on index cards (I was way proactive and bought 300 of the Motherfeckers) This is Writing!!!
I also am doing interviews. I have one set up for tomorrow afternoon and am scheduling another for this weekend. Booya!
Math for Dummies is going reasonably well. I get the concepts and thus far, I'm pulling an "A" in the class. I got an "A" on the first big test so now I've changed the name of the class to Math for Hopeful Geniuses. Yes, I hope big time that I can keep my "A". We shall see. Thanks to an awesome tutor and a teacher who really breaks it down, I'm doing pretty good. We're working on fractions right now.
Intro to Sociology is a hoot. I have a professor who is blunt. How blunt? He had us write down the keys to doing well in this class. It was: RTFQ and RTFB. Which stands for Read the Fucking Question and Read the Fucking Book. Awesomesauce. It also helps to Read the Fucking Syllabus correctly as last time, I misread it and was expecting a lecture but no, it was the first exam. Feck and feck. I hope I got a "B" but I might have pulled a "C". I'm not going to let myself get messed up like that again.
My Health class is interesting. It's a Health and Drugs class that's almost entirely online and since I regard this class as a "class" I am being very very good about doing my work ON TIME. I took the first big test there and scored 39 out of 40 so that made me pretty darn happy! That plus I'm turning in all my work and getting "A's" so we shall see.
What this means, however, is I have no social life. I study each night. I do the boys' activities with them. I take my Big Guy to cello lessons on Tuesday nights. He also has Boy scouts twice a month. I have a Committee meeting to go to (which I haven't been able to but will start up soon) once a month for Boy scouts.
My youngest is finishing up Cub scouts. I am pushing myself to make it through until mid March when he graduates from Cub scouts and goes on to Boy scouts. Whew. Until then, I am his Den Leader, the Awards Chair, and also am supposed to go to Cub scout Committee meetings (I have pretty much failed at that since I began spring semester).
I do keep in touch and I do my duties as a Den Leader and Awards Chair so I don't think people can say too much about it. It'll just be much easier when I'm only involved in the one Scouting activity.
Then, we have other stuff going on and they need their Momma time and my Awesome Guy needs his Us Time and I kind of need some Alone time. Somehow, I make it all work.
It just gets....tiring. Is it worth it? Oh, hella yeah.
But yeah. And now, it's time for bed. I've run around a good portion of the day getting Things Done and now I need to get some sleep. I have two classes tomorrow and that interview so I best be sharp for all of it.
K.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Part I: Consequences and Reactions
It's been a rough few days.
I'll try and put in some good things here because I don't want to be all Dark and everything but...
It's been a rough few days.
My Awesome Guy said, "It never really goes away." and he's right. I've been emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted, and I had a rather intense therapy session this evening, with my Awesome Guy in attendance.
Triggers are fascinating things. All by themselves, they're innocuous. But as any person who has PTSD or have gone through some trauma, add, mix, and BOOM!
I don't know how other people deal with their triggers blowing them out of the water, but I can tell you I hang on for dear life. It's like being on one of those extreme rides at the Fair...the ones that have you upside down and inside out and are fast and disorientating. I see the people on these rides and some of them are hanging on with white knuckles, screaming all the while. I hear you, pals, I hear you.
I have never been on one of those rides; they scare the living poo out of me, to be honest. I have a young son who absolutely *loves* thrill rides and those rides beckon to him with all the allure of the daredevil thrills and chills the ride promises. He's gone on rides that have me doing the screaming meemies from THE GROUND. Watching on terra firma and gazing upwards at him, seeing him *laugh*. Insanity, I tells you. :)
But this. The strong, subconscious side of me (which I have named Bear) has blocked any dreams. Dreams that are also triggering for me have been, somehow, set aside. I have dreamt odd dreams the past couple of nights but not the dreams I'd feared dreaming. I wake up with relief that I didn't have to relive those memories. Instead, I am *exhausted* physically and emotionally, I've been in a free for all.
I have cried way too much the past couple of days. Tears well up in my eyes for no reason at all and I assure my sons that it isn't them and that yes, hugs and kisses for their momma is plenty appreciated. I have received many hugs and kisses and that's helped a lot.
I am grateful for my Awesome Guy's understanding. He knows what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling and he holds me while I cry and he lets me scream out my rage and he expresses his own feelings about the triggers and what's happened to make me feel so fragile and unsafe.
I'm safe in my house, true. But I'm as fragile as a leaf in the wind. I cringe around strangers. I don't want to be around people I don't know and don't trust and when I picked up pizza for dinner tonight, I retreated to the corner to wait for my order. I noted that I was where no one could come up behind me, I could watch all around me and my back was protected. Check, check, and check.
This will pass, of course. It will fade away and I'll be less hesitant. But right now, while the emotions and the memories threaten to overwhelm me, I'll take care of myself so that it passes all the quicker.
To that end, I drink cups of tea in my Christmas gift tea cup from someone I Love very much. I listen to music. I read. I sleep a lot. I am fortunate that I have this week to rest and that I don't have to pretend that I'm OK. Because I'm not OK.
I will be, though. I am strong, resilient, and I will bounce back and be my old self once more.
Until then, though, I'm going to be easy on myself and forgive myself for having a hard time with past hurts and memories and those goddamn films that roll through my head when I let my guard down.
Enough.
K.
I'll try and put in some good things here because I don't want to be all Dark and everything but...
It's been a rough few days.
My Awesome Guy said, "It never really goes away." and he's right. I've been emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted, and I had a rather intense therapy session this evening, with my Awesome Guy in attendance.
Triggers are fascinating things. All by themselves, they're innocuous. But as any person who has PTSD or have gone through some trauma, add, mix, and BOOM!
I don't know how other people deal with their triggers blowing them out of the water, but I can tell you I hang on for dear life. It's like being on one of those extreme rides at the Fair...the ones that have you upside down and inside out and are fast and disorientating. I see the people on these rides and some of them are hanging on with white knuckles, screaming all the while. I hear you, pals, I hear you.
I have never been on one of those rides; they scare the living poo out of me, to be honest. I have a young son who absolutely *loves* thrill rides and those rides beckon to him with all the allure of the daredevil thrills and chills the ride promises. He's gone on rides that have me doing the screaming meemies from THE GROUND. Watching on terra firma and gazing upwards at him, seeing him *laugh*. Insanity, I tells you. :)
But this. The strong, subconscious side of me (which I have named Bear) has blocked any dreams. Dreams that are also triggering for me have been, somehow, set aside. I have dreamt odd dreams the past couple of nights but not the dreams I'd feared dreaming. I wake up with relief that I didn't have to relive those memories. Instead, I am *exhausted* physically and emotionally, I've been in a free for all.
I have cried way too much the past couple of days. Tears well up in my eyes for no reason at all and I assure my sons that it isn't them and that yes, hugs and kisses for their momma is plenty appreciated. I have received many hugs and kisses and that's helped a lot.
I am grateful for my Awesome Guy's understanding. He knows what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling and he holds me while I cry and he lets me scream out my rage and he expresses his own feelings about the triggers and what's happened to make me feel so fragile and unsafe.
I'm safe in my house, true. But I'm as fragile as a leaf in the wind. I cringe around strangers. I don't want to be around people I don't know and don't trust and when I picked up pizza for dinner tonight, I retreated to the corner to wait for my order. I noted that I was where no one could come up behind me, I could watch all around me and my back was protected. Check, check, and check.
This will pass, of course. It will fade away and I'll be less hesitant. But right now, while the emotions and the memories threaten to overwhelm me, I'll take care of myself so that it passes all the quicker.
To that end, I drink cups of tea in my Christmas gift tea cup from someone I Love very much. I listen to music. I read. I sleep a lot. I am fortunate that I have this week to rest and that I don't have to pretend that I'm OK. Because I'm not OK.
I will be, though. I am strong, resilient, and I will bounce back and be my old self once more.
Until then, though, I'm going to be easy on myself and forgive myself for having a hard time with past hurts and memories and those goddamn films that roll through my head when I let my guard down.
Enough.
K.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year's!
Ye gods.
It is now 2011. The year before the HUGE Apocalypse. Either that or the Mayans were really referring to some rave party that will involve everyone on the planet getting snorkled on organic mushrooms and waving glo sticks around.
Holla!
*cough*
Maybe. I am not worrying about it, though. Ignore the 50 cases of bottled water in the corner.
It's occurred to me that I haven't been writing like I've wanted to. There has been so much goodness to talk about and to share and I have been remiss. I apologize.
I started college full time this past fall and let me tell you, THAT was a revelation and a half. I have been out of school for 20 years....longer than I had been *in* school and I discovered a few things about myself this time around.
1. I am a piss poor student when I'm bored. I don't turn my papers in on time or do the assignments on time or just...generally, say, what the hell?? And let it go.
2. When I really like a class, I go for broke. There has to be balance and the balance is that I prepare like mad and do my presentations like my life depended upon it.
3. I will never ever EVER take a phy ed course that involves online work ever AGAIN. NOT EVER. It was pretty awful. I took yoga this past fall and for some reason, it also included online work. yeah, take reason number 1, add my disdain and utter lack of time management at the worst moments and stir. "BOOM!" as Ivanova said.
Despite failing Yoga (yes, yes, I did and it's a one credit class and I've learned invaluable things so hush), I managed to earn a 3.0 GPA. yeah, that's me, Ms. Powerhouse, reason Number 2.
I worked really hard in my other classes and so that helped buoy my overall grades.
Now. Spring semester is starting up in another week or two. I am taking the following:
College Writing II
Math for Idiots (that's what *I* am calling it...more on this in a moment)
Health
Intro to Sociology
OK, mon chats. So college writing II is going to be fun, I hope. Math for Idiots is the math for people who can't take even the first year's course of college level math. I freely admit that I'm one of those people to whom math and hard science just doesn't work. I have a certain quirk in which I can remember what's going on IN CLASS. I can write it all down and make notes and then, when I come home to do the homework, I open the notes and look at gibberish. *sigh* I'm not stupid, I know this. I just can't retain it.
Don't tell me it's because I'm not trying hard enough or I swear to god, I'll fucking BRAIN you. After 6 YEARS of math in middle school and high school, I know what's ticking and what isn't, thanksmuch. Math isn't my forte. That's OK.
Thankfully, I will have a tutor who will come over and help me and also I can call her and she will explain stuff over the phone and the light will hopefully go on again. Seeing as this is pre-algebra, it shouldn't be too hard.
That plus my eldest son is doing that math right now. He's doing fine in it and so....yes, if push comes to shove, I can ask my 13 year old to help his mother with her math assignments. Ah, the ignominy.
As for Health class, it's a requirement that I plan on getting through with as much grace as possible. I hope it's going to be interesting. We'll see.
And Intro do Sociology sounds good. I need it for what I'm going to school for so you can bet I'll be paying strict attention.
We'll see.
The other wild card factor is my depression. It gets worse in the winter and this winter, during the first part, it was pretty darn awful. Adding to it was the death of someone I love and cared for and that was more than enough to send me straight to my bed, not moving and certainly not going to class. (this explains the Yoga grade).
I tried to reorganize my classes better this time around, making sure I'm going to school in "blocks", ie, Tuesday and Thursday classes. That way, I can get it all done in one day instead of spread out. That ought to make it easier.
Also, if I'm falling behind because I'm fighting my Illness, I'm going to have a private meeting with my professor and explain what's going on. No excuses, of course...but being able to say, look....I'm falling apart here and I don't want to do poorly in this class but I am unable to cope well....I should have done that LAST semester but pride is a funny thing.
It cost me a decent grade in one class and I'd rather not repeat that.
It's all a learning process...and going to college is much more about learning and writing papers. It's about growing up and coping with every day life.
For me, going to college, going back to college, is a vindication. I've always known that I could do it...it just...took encouragement and support...and here I am, doing it. Going to school. Getting some pretty good grades. Learning stuff.
I will be occupied, of course, with Life. I am, after all, a mother and that's my first priority. I have two wonderful sons who are in their pre-teen and teen years and I want to be there for them, to help them navigate through those choppy waters.
I am going to be a wife, although quite frankly, I all ready feel married to my Awesome Guy but that still means I take time for him and for us.
And I have to take time for ME. I have to keep an eye on my Illness and make sure that when it flares, I can do what needs to be done to keep me on task, balanced, and able to get through the worst of it with minimal damage to my emotional state.
I think 2011 is going to be a really great year. It's a year of changes and a year of discovery. It will be a year of achievement and hard work and determination.
I know not everything is going to be easy this year. There were some very hard things that have happened recently that have broke my heart and I am getting through it with the Love and support of those around me. I am most fortunate in my Chosen family and friends.
2011 is going to fly by...I know this.
And darn it...I need to write regularly, school schedule and Life be damned. I need to record it all as it passes like quicksilver through my fingers and gleams so very briefly in the dark.
K.
It is now 2011. The year before the HUGE Apocalypse. Either that or the Mayans were really referring to some rave party that will involve everyone on the planet getting snorkled on organic mushrooms and waving glo sticks around.
Holla!
*cough*
Maybe. I am not worrying about it, though. Ignore the 50 cases of bottled water in the corner.
It's occurred to me that I haven't been writing like I've wanted to. There has been so much goodness to talk about and to share and I have been remiss. I apologize.
I started college full time this past fall and let me tell you, THAT was a revelation and a half. I have been out of school for 20 years....longer than I had been *in* school and I discovered a few things about myself this time around.
1. I am a piss poor student when I'm bored. I don't turn my papers in on time or do the assignments on time or just...generally, say, what the hell?? And let it go.
2. When I really like a class, I go for broke. There has to be balance and the balance is that I prepare like mad and do my presentations like my life depended upon it.
3. I will never ever EVER take a phy ed course that involves online work ever AGAIN. NOT EVER. It was pretty awful. I took yoga this past fall and for some reason, it also included online work. yeah, take reason number 1, add my disdain and utter lack of time management at the worst moments and stir. "BOOM!" as Ivanova said.
Despite failing Yoga (yes, yes, I did and it's a one credit class and I've learned invaluable things so hush), I managed to earn a 3.0 GPA. yeah, that's me, Ms. Powerhouse, reason Number 2.
I worked really hard in my other classes and so that helped buoy my overall grades.
Now. Spring semester is starting up in another week or two. I am taking the following:
College Writing II
Math for Idiots (that's what *I* am calling it...more on this in a moment)
Health
Intro to Sociology
OK, mon chats. So college writing II is going to be fun, I hope. Math for Idiots is the math for people who can't take even the first year's course of college level math. I freely admit that I'm one of those people to whom math and hard science just doesn't work. I have a certain quirk in which I can remember what's going on IN CLASS. I can write it all down and make notes and then, when I come home to do the homework, I open the notes and look at gibberish. *sigh* I'm not stupid, I know this. I just can't retain it.
Don't tell me it's because I'm not trying hard enough or I swear to god, I'll fucking BRAIN you. After 6 YEARS of math in middle school and high school, I know what's ticking and what isn't, thanksmuch. Math isn't my forte. That's OK.
Thankfully, I will have a tutor who will come over and help me and also I can call her and she will explain stuff over the phone and the light will hopefully go on again. Seeing as this is pre-algebra, it shouldn't be too hard.
That plus my eldest son is doing that math right now. He's doing fine in it and so....yes, if push comes to shove, I can ask my 13 year old to help his mother with her math assignments. Ah, the ignominy.
As for Health class, it's a requirement that I plan on getting through with as much grace as possible. I hope it's going to be interesting. We'll see.
And Intro do Sociology sounds good. I need it for what I'm going to school for so you can bet I'll be paying strict attention.
We'll see.
The other wild card factor is my depression. It gets worse in the winter and this winter, during the first part, it was pretty darn awful. Adding to it was the death of someone I love and cared for and that was more than enough to send me straight to my bed, not moving and certainly not going to class. (this explains the Yoga grade).
I tried to reorganize my classes better this time around, making sure I'm going to school in "blocks", ie, Tuesday and Thursday classes. That way, I can get it all done in one day instead of spread out. That ought to make it easier.
Also, if I'm falling behind because I'm fighting my Illness, I'm going to have a private meeting with my professor and explain what's going on. No excuses, of course...but being able to say, look....I'm falling apart here and I don't want to do poorly in this class but I am unable to cope well....I should have done that LAST semester but pride is a funny thing.
It cost me a decent grade in one class and I'd rather not repeat that.
It's all a learning process...and going to college is much more about learning and writing papers. It's about growing up and coping with every day life.
For me, going to college, going back to college, is a vindication. I've always known that I could do it...it just...took encouragement and support...and here I am, doing it. Going to school. Getting some pretty good grades. Learning stuff.
I will be occupied, of course, with Life. I am, after all, a mother and that's my first priority. I have two wonderful sons who are in their pre-teen and teen years and I want to be there for them, to help them navigate through those choppy waters.
I am going to be a wife, although quite frankly, I all ready feel married to my Awesome Guy but that still means I take time for him and for us.
And I have to take time for ME. I have to keep an eye on my Illness and make sure that when it flares, I can do what needs to be done to keep me on task, balanced, and able to get through the worst of it with minimal damage to my emotional state.
I think 2011 is going to be a really great year. It's a year of changes and a year of discovery. It will be a year of achievement and hard work and determination.
I know not everything is going to be easy this year. There were some very hard things that have happened recently that have broke my heart and I am getting through it with the Love and support of those around me. I am most fortunate in my Chosen family and friends.
2011 is going to fly by...I know this.
And darn it...I need to write regularly, school schedule and Life be damned. I need to record it all as it passes like quicksilver through my fingers and gleams so very briefly in the dark.
K.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
This amuses me....
0% Republican. | "You're a complete liberal, utterly without a trace of Republicanism. Your strength is as the strength of ten because your heart is pure. (You hope.)" |
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Gratitude
I need to give credit where credit is due.
There are times when I find it hard to function. The Darkness has a hold of me and I can't think and it just *hurts* and I hold on the best I can.
During those times, my Awesome Guy takes care of me. He makes sure I eat. (when I have the appetite to eat). He makes sure I am feeling safe, especially because I most often don't during those times. He protects me and comforts me and when I cry, he holds me.
He stands in front of anything that could hurt me and allows me the time I need to mend myself, to heal the hurts deep inside.
It is a precious gift and one that is pretty impossible to pay back.
When I'm feeling well again, I return the favour as best I can. I think he's pretty Awesome in all ways and I'm not shy about telling him or anyone else. I think he's pretty wonderful and I'm pretty lucky. I'll say that to anyone who will listen.
It's hard being the person who holds things together. I've been in that situation and while Rome is burning, there's no time for fiddling.
All the while, I'm watching the person I Love hurt and it's agonizing.
But.
It's important for me to let them heal, it's important for me to let them do their work. Becoming a healthy, whole person is a ginormous task in and of itself and it must be done by the person who is working towards it. I can't do it for that person.
But I can be there for this person and hold the one candle in the Darkness. I'm here as a beacon.
And this is what my Awesome Guy does for me. He knows I fight as hard as I can to find my way back to him. He holds that candle and I find my way back, even though I feel lost and sick at heart...I know if I reach towards him, I'll find my way.
Thank you for being the light in the Dark. I know it's hard, sometimes. I know it can be frustrating and sometimes resentment and anger can build up, too. That's understandable.
But you've never given up on me, even when I'm about ready to give up on myself. You've told me I'm beautiful and wonderful and everything you've ever wanted, when I feel ugly and pathetic and worthless.
To all of you who watch over and take care of your hurting Loved ones...thank you. You are a light in the dark, a blazing beacon when the Dark threatens to overwhelm.
Thank you.
K.
There are times when I find it hard to function. The Darkness has a hold of me and I can't think and it just *hurts* and I hold on the best I can.
During those times, my Awesome Guy takes care of me. He makes sure I eat. (when I have the appetite to eat). He makes sure I am feeling safe, especially because I most often don't during those times. He protects me and comforts me and when I cry, he holds me.
He stands in front of anything that could hurt me and allows me the time I need to mend myself, to heal the hurts deep inside.
It is a precious gift and one that is pretty impossible to pay back.
When I'm feeling well again, I return the favour as best I can. I think he's pretty Awesome in all ways and I'm not shy about telling him or anyone else. I think he's pretty wonderful and I'm pretty lucky. I'll say that to anyone who will listen.
It's hard being the person who holds things together. I've been in that situation and while Rome is burning, there's no time for fiddling.
All the while, I'm watching the person I Love hurt and it's agonizing.
But.
It's important for me to let them heal, it's important for me to let them do their work. Becoming a healthy, whole person is a ginormous task in and of itself and it must be done by the person who is working towards it. I can't do it for that person.
But I can be there for this person and hold the one candle in the Darkness. I'm here as a beacon.
And this is what my Awesome Guy does for me. He knows I fight as hard as I can to find my way back to him. He holds that candle and I find my way back, even though I feel lost and sick at heart...I know if I reach towards him, I'll find my way.
Thank you for being the light in the Dark. I know it's hard, sometimes. I know it can be frustrating and sometimes resentment and anger can build up, too. That's understandable.
But you've never given up on me, even when I'm about ready to give up on myself. You've told me I'm beautiful and wonderful and everything you've ever wanted, when I feel ugly and pathetic and worthless.
To all of you who watch over and take care of your hurting Loved ones...thank you. You are a light in the dark, a blazing beacon when the Dark threatens to overwhelm.
Thank you.
K.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Winter's Journey- A Poem
I have tried to sum up my thoughts best I can. This is on the fly but it will do, I think.
I walk along the path near the lake.
Crystal quiet with the snow glistening on the trees.
I can hear the rustle of the branches as the wind winds through.
I can see the frost form delicate lace upon any surfaces available.
My breath leaves traces of steam in the air.
The beauty of the winter heart moves my sluggish blood.
I appreciate the wonder of the cruel neutrality which offers no mercy.
Tis the cry of the desolate I hear.
The path is worn by the tread of tires and feet.
I can see the pebbles through the ice and snow, textures that rub against my boots.
My mittens are warm and fuzzy and stick with the snow.
The scarf around my neck is beacon red and keeps the chill from my throat.
I can see where the lake has broken through the ice.
The water is dark as diamonds in the moonlight, as pearls beneath the surface of the moon.
I can see bits of ice dash against the edges, blurring into slush.
My first step is breathtaking cold and I exhale all the warmth I had.
Water fills my boots and numbs my ankles along the way to my heart.
By the time I reach my thighs, I feel nothing but the cold erasing the agony inside.
It is Winter's Maiden returned to self and my hair transforms into ice and strands of crystal beads.
I take a final look up through the surface, glints of sunlight turning the blue into prisms of azure.
I am the mermaid, the selkie, the wanderer returned home.
There are no regrets to my Journey back to where I came.
My last thoughts are of you. And you. And Love and loss.
I kiss you through the waves.
K.
I walk along the path near the lake.
Crystal quiet with the snow glistening on the trees.
I can hear the rustle of the branches as the wind winds through.
I can see the frost form delicate lace upon any surfaces available.
My breath leaves traces of steam in the air.
The beauty of the winter heart moves my sluggish blood.
I appreciate the wonder of the cruel neutrality which offers no mercy.
Tis the cry of the desolate I hear.
The path is worn by the tread of tires and feet.
I can see the pebbles through the ice and snow, textures that rub against my boots.
My mittens are warm and fuzzy and stick with the snow.
The scarf around my neck is beacon red and keeps the chill from my throat.
I can see where the lake has broken through the ice.
The water is dark as diamonds in the moonlight, as pearls beneath the surface of the moon.
I can see bits of ice dash against the edges, blurring into slush.
My first step is breathtaking cold and I exhale all the warmth I had.
Water fills my boots and numbs my ankles along the way to my heart.
By the time I reach my thighs, I feel nothing but the cold erasing the agony inside.
It is Winter's Maiden returned to self and my hair transforms into ice and strands of crystal beads.
I take a final look up through the surface, glints of sunlight turning the blue into prisms of azure.
I am the mermaid, the selkie, the wanderer returned home.
There are no regrets to my Journey back to where I came.
My last thoughts are of you. And you. And Love and loss.
I kiss you through the waves.
K.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Stretching the Heart
Grief is an odd thing.
It comes and goes as it pleases and there really is no rhyme or reason to it. I have thought that I was over someone or something only to find that hearing a song, smelling a scent, or seeing the silhouette of a figure brings those emotions to the surface again, swelling and breaking like water against the rocks.
I won't say that it doesn't hurt because it does. Grief is meant to make one aware of their losses and it would be someone who was too numb to care who wouldn't feel the pain of assessing the losses when the memories echo.
I find that I would rather grieve than turn off all my emotions. I risk nothing by doing so. I feel nothing in return. Sometimes, it's good to take a break from the pain and the sadness. There's only so much stretching a person's heart can do before it takes a toll and I don't blame anyone for needing to step back, to disassociate from the hurt for a while.
But it's too damn dangerous to stay that way. Becoming numb and frozen can be addicting. Some people never thaw their emotions. They choose to see everything from behind a shield. But.
No pain, no gain as they say and there is so much to gain by feeling fully what life has to offer.
There is Love. There is joy. There is giddiness. There is that lightning bolt that comes from nowhere and gives inspiration. There is relief so gripping that it narrows all sensation down to sweat and breath. There is tenderness so pure it makes one gasp.
I am grieving right now. I have lost a wonderful person in my life and it will take some time for me to feel like "me" again. Admittedly, I'm a little numb because my first instinct is to shut down and get through it and then, later on, open things up bit by bit and heal.
And that's OK. I do it my way and others do it theirs. I won't stay numb forever. I've done that before and while it does protect me, it also limits me and I won't be limited by anything, thanks.
For now, grief is a quiet companion that reminds me that the price for Loving is losing, sometimes. That life doesn't last forever so it's very important to Love the ones who are here and to honour the ones who have gone on.
And most importantly, grief allows me to grow inside. It stretches my heart and deepens my commitment to those I Love and so I am, oddly, grateful for grief.
I need a little time and I'll be OK. I will keep on Loving and caring and supporting...that won't stop just because I need to also grieve.
A quiet time is all I need.
K.
It comes and goes as it pleases and there really is no rhyme or reason to it. I have thought that I was over someone or something only to find that hearing a song, smelling a scent, or seeing the silhouette of a figure brings those emotions to the surface again, swelling and breaking like water against the rocks.
I won't say that it doesn't hurt because it does. Grief is meant to make one aware of their losses and it would be someone who was too numb to care who wouldn't feel the pain of assessing the losses when the memories echo.
I find that I would rather grieve than turn off all my emotions. I risk nothing by doing so. I feel nothing in return. Sometimes, it's good to take a break from the pain and the sadness. There's only so much stretching a person's heart can do before it takes a toll and I don't blame anyone for needing to step back, to disassociate from the hurt for a while.
But it's too damn dangerous to stay that way. Becoming numb and frozen can be addicting. Some people never thaw their emotions. They choose to see everything from behind a shield. But.
No pain, no gain as they say and there is so much to gain by feeling fully what life has to offer.
There is Love. There is joy. There is giddiness. There is that lightning bolt that comes from nowhere and gives inspiration. There is relief so gripping that it narrows all sensation down to sweat and breath. There is tenderness so pure it makes one gasp.
I am grieving right now. I have lost a wonderful person in my life and it will take some time for me to feel like "me" again. Admittedly, I'm a little numb because my first instinct is to shut down and get through it and then, later on, open things up bit by bit and heal.
And that's OK. I do it my way and others do it theirs. I won't stay numb forever. I've done that before and while it does protect me, it also limits me and I won't be limited by anything, thanks.
For now, grief is a quiet companion that reminds me that the price for Loving is losing, sometimes. That life doesn't last forever so it's very important to Love the ones who are here and to honour the ones who have gone on.
And most importantly, grief allows me to grow inside. It stretches my heart and deepens my commitment to those I Love and so I am, oddly, grateful for grief.
I need a little time and I'll be OK. I will keep on Loving and caring and supporting...that won't stop just because I need to also grieve.
A quiet time is all I need.
K.
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