Stretching the Heart

Grief is an odd thing.

It comes and goes as it pleases and there really is no rhyme or reason to it. I have thought that I was over someone or something only to find that hearing a song, smelling a scent, or seeing the silhouette of a figure brings those emotions to the surface again, swelling and breaking like water against the rocks.

I won't say that it doesn't hurt because it does. Grief is meant to make one aware of their losses and it would be someone who was too numb to care who wouldn't feel the pain of assessing the losses when the memories echo.

I find that I would rather grieve than turn off all my emotions. I risk nothing by doing so. I feel nothing in return. Sometimes, it's good to take a break from the pain and the sadness. There's only so much stretching a person's heart can do before it takes a toll and I don't blame anyone for needing to step back, to disassociate from the hurt for a while.

But it's too damn dangerous to stay that way. Becoming numb and frozen can be addicting. Some people never thaw their emotions. They choose to see everything from behind a shield. But.

No pain, no gain as they say and there is so much to gain by feeling fully what life has to offer.

There is Love. There is joy. There is giddiness. There is that lightning bolt that comes from nowhere and gives inspiration. There is relief so gripping that it narrows all sensation down to sweat and breath. There is tenderness so pure it makes one gasp.

I am grieving right now. I have lost a wonderful person in my life and it will take some time for me to feel like "me" again. Admittedly, I'm a little numb because my first instinct is to shut down and get through it and then, later on, open things up bit by bit and heal.

And that's OK. I do it my way and others do it theirs. I won't stay numb forever. I've done that before and while it does protect me, it also limits me and I won't be limited by anything, thanks.

For now, grief is a quiet companion that reminds me that the price for Loving is losing, sometimes. That life doesn't last forever so it's very important to Love the ones who are here and to honour the ones who have gone on.

And most importantly, grief allows me to grow inside. It stretches my heart and deepens my commitment to those I Love and so I am, oddly, grateful for grief.

I need a little time and I'll be OK. I will keep on Loving and caring and supporting...that won't stop just because I need to also grieve.

A quiet time is all I need.


K.