It's been a rough few days.
I'll try and put in some good things here because I don't want to be all Dark and everything but...
It's been a rough few days.
My Awesome Guy said, "It never really goes away." and he's right. I've been emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted, and I had a rather intense therapy session this evening, with my Awesome Guy in attendance.
Triggers are fascinating things. All by themselves, they're innocuous. But as any person who has PTSD or have gone through some trauma, add, mix, and BOOM!
I don't know how other people deal with their triggers blowing them out of the water, but I can tell you I hang on for dear life. It's like being on one of those extreme rides at the Fair...the ones that have you upside down and inside out and are fast and disorientating. I see the people on these rides and some of them are hanging on with white knuckles, screaming all the while. I hear you, pals, I hear you.
I have never been on one of those rides; they scare the living poo out of me, to be honest. I have a young son who absolutely *loves* thrill rides and those rides beckon to him with all the allure of the daredevil thrills and chills the ride promises. He's gone on rides that have me doing the screaming meemies from THE GROUND. Watching on terra firma and gazing upwards at him, seeing him *laugh*. Insanity, I tells you. :)
But this. The strong, subconscious side of me (which I have named Bear) has blocked any dreams. Dreams that are also triggering for me have been, somehow, set aside. I have dreamt odd dreams the past couple of nights but not the dreams I'd feared dreaming. I wake up with relief that I didn't have to relive those memories. Instead, I am *exhausted* physically and emotionally, I've been in a free for all.
I have cried way too much the past couple of days. Tears well up in my eyes for no reason at all and I assure my sons that it isn't them and that yes, hugs and kisses for their momma is plenty appreciated. I have received many hugs and kisses and that's helped a lot.
I am grateful for my Awesome Guy's understanding. He knows what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling and he holds me while I cry and he lets me scream out my rage and he expresses his own feelings about the triggers and what's happened to make me feel so fragile and unsafe.
I'm safe in my house, true. But I'm as fragile as a leaf in the wind. I cringe around strangers. I don't want to be around people I don't know and don't trust and when I picked up pizza for dinner tonight, I retreated to the corner to wait for my order. I noted that I was where no one could come up behind me, I could watch all around me and my back was protected. Check, check, and check.
This will pass, of course. It will fade away and I'll be less hesitant. But right now, while the emotions and the memories threaten to overwhelm me, I'll take care of myself so that it passes all the quicker.
To that end, I drink cups of tea in my Christmas gift tea cup from someone I Love very much. I listen to music. I read. I sleep a lot. I am fortunate that I have this week to rest and that I don't have to pretend that I'm OK. Because I'm not OK.
I will be, though. I am strong, resilient, and I will bounce back and be my old self once more.
Until then, though, I'm going to be easy on myself and forgive myself for having a hard time with past hurts and memories and those goddamn films that roll through my head when I let my guard down.
Enough.
K.
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