Spoons

I have heard about the Spoon theory before and without reading the blog post, I understood it when it was summed up to me.

To wit, this post was written for those who "don't look sick." I'm talking about people with illnesses that strike and affect a person inside out. Fibro, rheumatoid arthritis,Chrohn's disease....those sorts of things that, when flaring, make a person's life hell.

Add to this list the mental illnesses that also can level a person with hardly any effort and it's a formidable list.

People who have these illnesses are given a limited number of "spoons." Each spoon represents doing ONE thing and once those spoons are used up, game over for that day. It doesn't matter what time of day it is or if there is anything more to be done....a person is tapped out and has to rest. There is no pushing one's self because one has all ready been pushed to the limit.

There are days when I have more spoons than other days. Those days, I can go around and do things but I have to be aware that if I push myself too hard, if I don't keep track of my spoons, I'm well and truly fucked.

Yesterday was one of those days. And I ran out of spoons but I kept pushing myself.

Last night, when I went to bed, I was beyond exhausted. I had to keep going and I made myself when that inner voice said, "Stop! Please, stop!" and I said, "I can't. I HAVE to do this. I have to do that."

I was hit by the Darkness and oh boy....all my spoons were gone. I had no energy and I laid there, crying, because I didn't know how to make It stop screaming at me. But, like any good veteran, I always have one spoon in reserve.

I tapped into Bear and Bear told my Awesome Guy what was going on and he held me and helped my mind calm down and helped me get through the worst of it. I pushed the Darkness back...PUSHED that Motherfucker back as HARD as I could until I could shut It down again...or at least, enough so that I could sleep. Sleep is a depressive's friend....it gives me my spoons back and the energy along with them to get through the day and do what must be done.

Today, I have a few spoons. Not as much as I wish I had but that means I just am careful. I have to buy shoes with my Galoot. I have to complete my study guide for my Health class. I have to do one errand with my roommate. After that, I rest and keep my energy in reserve; I can feel the Darkness breathing and waiting for an opening and I'd rather not. I have to be careful and cunning and keep a careful count.

I'm not sure when I'll have more spoons or when I'll feel as though I have limitless spoons (that's an illusion that I've pushed much to my regret). I know that because of my Illness, I don't "look sick." And I hide it as much as I can--most people don't know that there are days when I think about hurting myself every few minutes.

This is why I treat everyone I meet (especially strangers) with kindness. I don't know if they, too, are a fellow Spoon person. I can't tell just by looking at them if they're "sick" or hurting inside (although, I can usually feel the emotional stuff). I have learned that judging by appearance cheapens me and should be strongly discouraged.

After all, look at me. I don't look sick today. I'll take a shower and dress in nice clothes, and you couldn't tell that inside, I am crying and crying and keeping it together by sheer will and habit.

It'll be OK. I hopefully will feel better tomorrow. I'm just going to be careful today. I have about six spoons at my disposal. I hope to have more tomorrow.



K.