Assumptions

"Do you know what assume stand for? Assume means making an ass out of you and me."- Old saying.


So the other day, I splurged a little and got my eyebrows and upper lip waxed. Yes, I am one of those crazy women who let somebody put hot wax on my facial hair and then rips it off. Cos it makes me feel sexy. Go figure. Full disclosure: it really doesn't feel that great and I've been known to take the Lord's name in vain and other colourful words as well when the hair is ripped out.

That plus my youngest son wanted to know why I had hair growing on my upper lip. I informed him, at the time, that I was going for the walrus look, but I wilted a little. I've never been a fan of hair on my upper lip and if it's THAT noticeable (he had been studying my face with unnerving intensity for a few minutes prior to his question), I'd like to have the hair GO AWAY.

Thus, to the awesome lady who waxes my hair and makes me look like a movie star. *cough* But I digress...

I remember a few years ago now, I had a good friend of mine want to know how I could justify spending money on getting my brows and upper lip waxed when I was poor. Boy, did I see RED. I commented back to him and laid it all out. Basically, I spend $19 total, including tip, to go once a month to get these services done. I don't spend money on other things. I don't buy new clothes. I don't go on trips. Shoot, I can't remember the last time I had bought anything new because, at that time, things were really really bad economically and I budgeted like mad and I received some help, and I didn't think that doing this one little thing for ME was a horrible, horrible thing.

I most certainly didn't think that I deserved these comments and I refused to feel bad. People who know me know I'm responsible with the money and that I am doing the best I can, thanksmuch. I'd really like to see most *any* of my detractors make do like I have the past, oh, seven years or so.

My friend was awesome. He apologized for assuming things and I accepted his apology and we're still friends. He's a sweet guy and I think, for a moment, that assumption on his part had him typing before thinking. Or asking.

I hadn't had my stuff waxed since last...oh, October, I think. Money was tight and I just couldn't justify spending $19 on myself. I know, silly, right? It makes me feel pretty and good and it's not a huge amount. But it is when I don't have it to spend and it is to others who look from the outside and make assumptions.

And then I had to really think about the following: have I ever been guilty of the same thing? Have I ever looked at someone and thought, why do they have that? Why do they do that? Do they have the money for it when I know they're poor/on food stamps/on government help?

Yeah, I have to raise my hand and sigh. I've done that. Here's the scenario, which is ironic. I'm at the grocery store and I'm at the checkout, waiting to use my own food stamp money to get groceries (irony, thou art mine). The lady in front of me also has her food stamp card out and I notice she has a fancy purse. She has brand name clothes. She has her nails done and looks like a million bucks. "Huh," I think, "how can she afford all that when she's on food stamps like me?"

GAH!!!! Busted.

I'll say one thing about more and more middle class people being on food stamps. I don't get the "Look" from cashiers anymore, for the most part, when I take out my food stamp card to pay. I guess after seeing their version of "well to do" people use their food stamps card rattles their own biased opinion on "Those People."

But back to the lady with the expensive designer clothes and purse. It's not my business to assume. I don't know the circumstances in which she received these clothes and such. I don't know how they're paid for and for all I know, this woman works THREE JOBS so she can afford a little extra that makes HER feel good. Who am I to suck my teeth and click my tongue and go, sister, that ain't right???

I, myself, like designer labels. I've always been a clothes horse. So I buy nice clothes at thrift stores. I also like Coach purses (huge weakness of mine)and I buy those at thrift stores, too. I'm talking the vintage Coach purses that are all leather, none of that fabric stuff. I haven't bought one in a while cos I have enough and I don't normally use a purse but when I do, I take out one of my vintage purses and I dress up nice and I feel pretty awesome. Waxed eyebrows, upper lip, and Coach purse, that's me.

So do other people look at me when I pull out my food stamp card from my Coach purse and raise their eyebrows? Probably. I'm kind of cringing anyway, cos even though I know I shouldn't be embarrassed by using food stamps, I still am. That's a post for another day.

But I would very much appreciate it if people didn't judge me by MY appearance. And not make assumptions.

And I'm sure that the lady in front of me looking all glammed up would appreciate it very much if I didn't judge HER by how she looks and not make assumptions.

It's like this: being poor sucks. It's hard balancing bills and paychecks and Peter paying Paul and all that nonsense. It's hard asking for help from Chosen Family and friends when the boys want to do extra things and I don't have enough to cover it. I cry late at night when I barely scrape by at the end of the month and wish I could get that little extra thing for my boys because they, too, bear the burden without complaint for the most part. They are pretty darn good at waiting to get something they really want and they understand that money does NOT grow on trees or from my pocket book.

So every now and then, I like to dress up nice. I like to spend $19 and feel pretty and put together. I like to go out and not "look" poor. It raises my self esteem and I can hold my head high. I should, anyway, of course...but I think it's pretty clear that being poor is along the lines of being invisible. And God forbid if a poor person wants to look nice. Wants to have some status symbols.

We're supposed to be down trodden and miserable and, oh, grateful, and hey! How DARE we NOT look the part? Why, we don't deserve the help we're getting then.

Please. Bite me.

So after thinking about my own assumptions and judgments, I can definitely say that I'm not going to look at anyone ever again and sneer. Instead, I'll say, "you really look nice." I've done that before and the smile I've received and the sudden glow from the person makes me feel good, too.

And it doesn't matter that we're both poor, that we're both using food stamps to make sure our family has enough to eat every month--we're one human to another, recognizing the effort put forth to feel good about one's self.

And that, I think, is what really matters.



K.