It's been a heck of a month thus far!

Wow.

I have wanted to write in this blog on a semi regular basis and this hasn't exactly gone according to plan.

If this is semi regular, I'd have fiber companies begging me for commercial time. Heh.

But there has been a reason for the silence and I apologize profusely for the quiet.

This past Saturday, my Awesome Guy and I were handfasted. Handfasting is a very old tradition in which two people pledge themselves for a certain period of time. In some circles, it's a symbolic year and a day in which case, at that time, they can choose to go for another length of time, they can choose to part ways, or they can choose to make it permanent. This handfasting is a nod to certain beliefs of mine and my Awesome Guy was quite all right in planning and participating in this ritual.

We had invited his family, our closest friends, and my Chosen Family who were absolutely tickled pink to attend such an event. Some of my Chosen Family had never been to a handfasting before--some were old hat at this--but all were happy to be part of the celebration.

We were lucky enough to have a gorgeous fall day. In this part of the country, Minnesota is fickle in the fall and it could have been an absolutely *miserable* day. But we were lucky and the sun was shining, there was a bit of a breeze but it only made the banners fly more briskly, and everyone was comfortable until night fell and the temperatures dropped.

My two sons were involved in every aspect of the ceremony. They chose certain parts and they were in the ceremony and they were absolutely wonderful. I was so happy to see them want to be part of everything and they had such a fun time afterwards.

I wore a beautiful gown that one of my very closest friends sewed for me. I felt so pretty in my gown and wore it most of the day.

My Awesome Guy wore a great outfit as well, pinstripe pants, tuxedo shirt with tie, and a jacket.

My Awesome Guy also bought me a bouquet to carry with me and it was so pretty!

After the ceremony, everyone had brought potluck for the reception and there were TONS of food and drink and we all ate as much as we wanted. We had guests stay until the early hours of the morning and that was perfectly fine with me. This was a celebration with people who care and support and Love us and to have them hang out and laugh and talk and eat with us really made the day complete.

There were a few guests who couldn't make it, of course. Distance and other commitments and ungodly emergencies had them unable to be part of the day, but I know that they were with us in spirit and that's what counted.

Next year, we will have the Commitment Ceremony and that's the "legally binding" one because we'll have that fancy piece of paper that says we're married and I get to do all the fun name changes and whatnot (rolls eyes). Big whoop.

But. This year, this past Saturday, I made my vows in front of the people I Love and to the man I Love and that is, to me, what matters most of all.


K.

In which the Heroine is surprised by the hours in a day

I'm trying to figure out my schedule in the near future and as far as I can tell, I think I need the following.

1. One time-turner

2. One DeLorean

3. One bottle of strong whiskey


Right now, things are going fine, things are steady...I am doing pretty well as far as getting things together is concerned.

And then, mid October, my next class starts. This bumps up my college time to insane and my work time to somewheres in there and homework time and such...well, it kind of grows, too. FEED ME, SEYMOUR!!!

On top of that, I have the schedules and doings of my two great sons and that includes orchestra, cub scouts, boy scouts, their homework, get togethers with friends and family time. Oh, and two weekends a month with their father.

Did I say just one bottle of whiskey?

Luckily, I do have a Secret Weapon at my disposal. This would be, of course, my Awesome Guy. This week, he took my oldest son to school when I had to be at work at an ungodly hour in the morning.

I am sure that I am going to need his help with all the scheduling and things. There are some upcoming events in which I look at and wish that I did, indeed, have a Time-turner. Ah, well.

With the advent of all these things happening, I note that once again, the march of Seasons is upon me. Summer seemed to dance right past me, barely giving me the time of day. Fall has settled in and I am wearing sweaters and thinking about hot cocoa. Before I know it, Halloween will have passed by and then I burrow myself in for another long Winter. And then, it's Spring again and then Summer.

Wait a minute. That's going on at an awfully fast clip, isn't it?

The boys are not babies anymore, nor are they really little guys, either. One is in middle school and the other is in his last year of elementary school and before I know it, I will have two strapping teenage sons in the house. It boggles the mind and makes the heart ache.

I am, as always, grateful for the chance to see these changes take place before my very eyes. I watch my boys grow and am amazed at the wonderfulness I see each and every day. There are moments of not so much wonderfulness, of course...and the teen age flares have started.

Overall, though, it's been quite the journey and one that I'm very happy to be a part of.

Still. Going to school full time, raising two great guys, being in a relationship with my Awesome Guy, spending time with friends and Chosen Family and maybe, just maybe, finding time for me....

Yes. A case of whiskey, please.



K.

Nolite te Bastardes Carborundorum

That, dear hearts, translates to "don't let the bastards grind you down."

I got that from the book, "Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. That is exactly what got me through a lot of bad stuff and when I was thinking of my next tattoo, I knew exactly what I wanted.

On my lower back, I have those words inscribed. An elegant Celtic knot is the backdrop. It took the entire length of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" to get it inked. I know because I watched the whole movie from opening credits to closing credits when I got my ink done.

It is one of my most favourite tattoos. I'm happy to show it to people, if they wish to see it.

I was reminded of it this past week in a most not fun way.

Back when I was in my early twenties, I was in a relationship that wasn't healthy or good for me. I was very young in many ways and my bipolar was beyond control. That was also when I went into the hospital for a bit to try and get things put back together (and also, to stave off a suicide attempt) and that was when I learned that abuse is much more subtle than I thought it ever could be.

I call this boyfriend the boyfriend-rapist and I think I'll leave it at that. I learned that rape is not about sex. It's all about power and control and it didn't matter that he "loved" me or that he was "sorry" afterwards. It didn't seem to stop him after say, the second one and after that, it took some time for me to get the strength to leave.

Even then, the last time I saw him was when he was leaving for another state and wanted me to come with him. I refused. That was when the last rape happened. I was, quite frankly, happy that he was gone.

So this past week, I'm waiting for class and who do I see walking down the hall past me? Ah, yes. Him. Older, of course...still skinny with long hair like I remembered. He looked at me and looked away and kept walking. I stared after him, trying to figure out if this really was him or maybe it was someone who just *looked* like him. I've been known to make these sorts of mistakes.

But I found out that it was him. He's going to the same college I'm going to.

My advisor called someone at the school to see what they think I should do about this situation, now that this man is on campus, and also around when I'm going to one of my own night classes.

He asked me if I was going to leave the school. I looked at him and said, "No. No, I have things to do. I have a plan and a dream and the desire and if I leave, he wins again. I'm not leaving. HE can leave." I further told him that as long as he leaves me alone, I'll leave him alone. My advisor commended me on my non violent solution.

I bared my teeth at him in a polite smile. "Well, see, if he DOES try and mess with me, that's when the non violent part ends. The police will be involved and it won't end well...for him."

My Awesome Guy isn't very happy about this situation at all. No, my precious, not one bit. Not that I blame him. He doesn't like the thought of me in the same building as this man. He doesn't like the possibility that I might be in danger again. Nor is he especially happy to know some of the memories I have and know that it's taken me a few days to get my head back to a better place.

PTSD, my friends, is not any fun. I have spent the last few days shutting doors to memories that I have mostly put away. Sometimes, I have nightmares and that's no fun. It's been nice to not have had those in a while.

Still. I'm getting over being freaked out by this and reminding myself that it's different now. I'm a different person in a different place. I'm not who I was back then.

And I'm not going to let this particular bastard get me down.


K.

In which Yoga shows me a thing or two....

So this semester, I am taking Yoga class.

This will be easy, thinks I. This won't be hard at all, thinks I.

Hah hah. Hah.

It is an amazingly fun class but hard. I became aware of my body in ways I never had before and it was a bit humbling to not be able to hold the "tree" pose for longer than 15 seconds at a time.

My teacher told the class that we could tuck our leg up against our thighs if we so wished. Right. I was just happy to not fall over. But I did manage to at least keep my leg tucked up near my knee.

With Yoga class, I have also discovered the joys of yoga pants. I like them. They're soft. Plus, they stretch. And they feel good. It's nice to change into them when I've worn other fabric all day that isn't as soft or comfortable.

I'm to log online this weekend and go through a couple of videos and then post my observations for discussion.

The good thing about this is that I'm going to be doing these poses at home instead of with my fellow students so I can embarrass my lack of flexibility just to my own damn self.

The bad thing is I have to actually TALK about it. "Well, when I didn't have to call 911 to help untangle me from my pose, it actually felt good...."

I can see why people do Yoga, though. It is eminently satisfying to feel my body stretch out and to breathe in and out deep truly demonstrates that I simply can't be stressed out. Deep breathing through my nose and down through my belly and then out back through my nose makes me concentrate on breathing. Not on the thoughts that have been running through my mind so crazy like.

No, it's just me and my breathing and I do feel like a child again, very much aware of my body and how it's working with me.

The Yoga itself is neat. I breathe and do the poses and my mind empties. I'm not thinking....I'm doing Yoga and breathing and at the end of the session, I feel pretty good.

I'm hoping to be more flexible when I'm done with Yoga and I'm thinking of taking Yoga at the Y on a more regular basis. I think it would be good for me to continue doing this.

I think it'll keep my life in sync and in balance and that's pretty cool. It's those benefits and the health benefits that outweigh the initial cost to practice Yoga.

And I get to keep wearing those stretchy, comfy Yoga pants.

It's a win win situation as far as I can see.


K.

Power of a koala!!! (Form of a roly poly Bear, obviously)

Gah.

I've been taking Lithium to help get my internal chemical choo choo back on track. Lithium helped me many years before deal with this bipolar Illness and after trying about five other medications (all with varying degrees of suckage), I decided it might be wisest to go back to what worked before.

So far, so good. I think it's helping and I've had way lesser urges to hurt myself. Which is also good.

That plus I'm calmer.

Yet. With every drug, there's a reaction. Sometimes, it's relatively benign. Or for some people, it's a bonus. Lithium makes me thirsty but not as hungry. Seeing as I like to keep my weight at around an even 100 and it's been a tad over that, it makes me happy. I've been drinking my liquids like mad (and I have to as well) and eating smaller amounts.

Lithium, being a salt, needs to have plenty of liquids taken with it or it can build up to toxic levels in the bloodstream and that would Not Be Good. So Arizona's Green Tea with Honey has been my best friend. It's yummy and I drink TONS of it.

But sometimes, the side effects are not so awesome. In this case, it's what I call the Koala Bear effect. I get sleepy. Oh, gods, do I get sleepy. I wake up in the morning NOT feeling like P. Diddy. It takes me a good half an hour to really be aware and then I head to the shower and soak my head and start waking up. Then I kind of am mostly awake until around 2 when my body is ready for action. Two in the afternoon, that is.

If I'm doing stuff in the morning, then I need a nap. I'll lay down around 2 or 3 and sleep for a couple of hours. Then, I'll wake up and be able to do some more stuff before needing to go back to bed.

It's getting better. The need for a nap can be put off and if I get to bed at a semi decent time at night, I can be awake in the morning and do stuff.

It is, thankfully, the only side effect that I have to work around. I tell my boys and my Awesome Guy that I'm feeling like a Koala Bear and so they understand if I'm moving a little slower than usual.

I think, though, that I'd much rather be on Lithium than not. This Illness has to be controlled and has to be taken seriously. I'm finally coming around to the idea that it is like having cancer or diabetes and if I'm going to be foolish about it, I put my life in danger. And I have everyone around me sick with worry because I am suicidal or close to it.

So I'll take my Lithium. And do my best impersonation of a Koala Bear until my body adjusts to having it and uses it as it should.


K.

Movies movies movies!

I want a money tree in my back yard.

There are so many awesome movies out right now and thus far, I've seen exactly NONE. Yes, that's right. None. Zero. Zip. Nadda. Because I has no money, honey. At least, not right now.

I really want to see Toy Story 3. I was holding my breath when I heard it was coming out because Toy Story 1 and 2 were so epic and I was thinking, oh, please, don't screw this one up. Of course, being Pixar, they didn't. From all I've heard, it's wonderful and heartbreaking and classic Pixar. I can hardly wait to see it.

Next on my docket is Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. The reviews on this movie have amused me greatly. The critics who clearly don't "get it" are all condescending and whatnot and like, "well, if you're a gamer, you'll get it." Well, duh! Stupid Head. This game is a lovesong to those of us who have spent any time with a video game, whether it's the old 8 bit or the newest Modern Warfare version and we all "get it." I think the movie is going to be a riot. I saw the trailer and laughed myself through it. That plus, well, it's a movie for a geek girl like me. How can I resist? Plus, the cutie who plays Scott Pilgrim is one of my favourite young actors, anyway. He just has the winsome "take me home, I'm just a lost little puppy" look to him. I'm sure there are many geek girls who would be happy to do just that.

I really want to see Winter's Bone before it leaves the theatre. I've heard that this movie is just totally intense and the young actress who plays the 17 year old lead character is sublime. In this movie, the 17 year old heroine has to find her father who skipped bail, otherwise they lose the home that houses her, her two little siblings and a mother who is there just in name. This young lady has to go through the woods to track him down and she may not find him as he's taken refuge amongst the meth makers in the backwoods. I think it's going to be a hell of a movie. I better bring kleenax.

I know Inception is supposed to be all that and a bag of chips but I'm OK to wait for that. I think it'll hold up just as well on the screen at home as it would in the theatre and maybe even better. After all, it's a lot of mind games and mind games play well anywhere. Heh. But yeah, I'd like to see that eventually.

The new Patricia Clarkson movie is out, Cairo Time, and I'd rather see her than most any other actress any day of the week. She is underrated as one of our finest leading ladies and that's a real shame. I saw the trailer for it and thought, wow...this looks a lot better than that "Eat, Pray, Love" movie which I have no intention of seeing. The book thing was bad enough. Yes, yes, yes....anyone who has the money to go to places they've never been before and see cultures that are unfamiliar are going to have epiphanies of all sorts. But in the real world where I live, you know, where one has to pay bills and never mind taking a sabbatical to India or China or whatnot...it smacks a little of Upper Class Superiority. Gah. No thanks.

But Cairo Time looks like one of those intricate, intimate movies where it's important to see what's not being said as well as what's being said. I know, it's a White Woman who is in a different land and culture and she explores and blah blah blah...but she's not there to gain Serenity or Awakening or whatnot. No, she's there because she's going to finally spend time with her workaholic husband. Or so she thinks.

At any rate, Patricia Clarkson is the lead actress and I have always found that watching her in any movie makes me happy. That plus she's a really nice lady in real life. That's always awesome.

I think I'll wait for Prince of Persia to come out on Netflix. Yes, I'm sure it would be better on the big screen but it's not one of my big Must See Movies. Of course, if the drive in has it as one of three movies playing, I'd be up for that.

The big movie that I'm waiting for is the last Harry Potter movie. Of course, they had to split it in two parts for which I'm ever grateful for. There's just too much to squeeze into one movie. But the first part is coming out here in August and I am SO excited!!! I saw the trailer and it looks wicked! Yae!!!

Did anyone see Emma Watson's new haircut? She looks absolutely gorgeous. She cut it pixie short and close to the head and it's back to her natural hair colour and she looks divine. I wonder what she's going to do now, now that filming has wrapped and that part of her life is done and that has got to be the oddest feeling....ten years of her life (half of her life, I believe) has been spent in the Harry Potter Universe. Wow. That's amazing.

The other big movie that I plan on seeing is Get Low with Robert Duvall, Sissy Spacek, and Bill Murray. From everything I've read, it's a great movie with the best actors and actress and a fine plotline. Robert Duvall plays a hermit like rich as Midas old man who lives, by choice, alone. He wants Bill Murray, who is the town's mortician, to set up a fake funeral for him. He wants to hear what the townsfolk would have to say to him if they thought he was dead. Sissy Spacek is his heart's love from way back when. Bill Murray's character agrees and the wheels are set in motion. It's a movie about human behavior and emotions and those are my favourite kinds of movies. I like a good action movie every now and then but mostly, movies that show how people tick and why they tick...those are the ones I really like.

Even Silence of the Lambs. I HATE horror movies but this was more a psychological thriller with some gore judiciously placed. Plus, it had Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins. Please.

So, yes, money tree. Please shake a few dollars for me. I have some movies lined up to see.


K.

Steampunk!

So there I was, perusing the wedding photos of my seamstress when it occurred to me that the wedding would be awesome if it was done in Steampunk style.

Yeah, I know...Steampunk has been trending for a while and might be going over the cusp but I think it would be fun to do and my Awesome Guy is all for it.

So I've been looking over Steampunk wedding dresses and other types of clothes and thinking my thinks.

That plus a Steampunk wedding cake would be pretty cool.

With all of that, I've decided that I want the theme of the wedding to be Kickass Awesome! and to that end, I have a lot of friends who want to be part of the awesomeness.

I'm pretty happy about that.

It's pretty convenient that next year at CONvergence, the theme is Steampunk so I can look at the vendors and get even MORE ideas...although I have the feeling that we will probably have most everything pulled together by then. But we shall see.

In other news, I tore through the library books that I had gotten and now need to get back to the library to find some more finds. I think I'm going to meander over to the sewing aisle and see if they have any Steampunk patterns and ideas there...



K.