Checking In...Damage Report

I must admit, this has been quite the spring break, topped off by the most fucked up news coverage EVER and boy...

Today, I stayed home and slept until almost 2 pm because I was/am drained, triggered, pissed, enraged, kinda fucked up in the head.

I've been dealing with other emotional crap and this....the rape apologists and the mass media and rape culture have all conspired to remind me that I asked for the rapes I'd been through and that if I'm ever raped again, I should know better than to seek justice and prosecute the jack ass.

I've had my words twisted this past week and don't even do that. Don't go there. Don't put words in my mouth, don't take what I said and say it's something else and when I write something out, do not do NOT run with it and say I'm saying something that I am not.

Here's a fucking clue: IF I were saying something, I'd fucking say it. Straight up. Tits to ass, ok?

As it stands, I'm less than thrilled with having to clarify what I write because I don't think I should have to explain every. little. thing.

But.

As has been gently pointed out to me, writing something out leaves a whole lot to interpretation and reading between the lines and assuming things that haven't been spelled out and I get that. I've done my own share of assuming in the past and boy, does it bite me in the ass. I look stupid and I really hate looking stupid.

So I suppose I can ease up a little and growl softly and wait until my emotions aren't so tangled up in so many knots.

*****

And who said being an activist was easy? And standing up for a cause is easy? Sometimes, I have to remind myself of the people I owe my way from and remember that they, being pioneers, also had people misinterpret them, also had people turn away from them, also felt alone and afraid and beaten down at times.

I have to remember that this is the price that I have to pay if I'm to not be cowed by society and patriarchy and racism and homophobia and all that. I have to remember that my privilege of writing this out and not being afraid of taken away in the middle of the night or being assassinated on the streets or ambushed and beaten almost to death is something not to take for granted.

I have to remember that people DO believe in what I do and do understand what I do and I have held more people than I can count now and told them, 'YOU are NOT to be ashamed of who you are! You are worthy and beautiful and wonderful! I believe in you. I support you. I'm here for you.'

And I hope to do that again and again and again.

If the price I pay is for that...for seeing peoples' eyes shine and their faces light up, knowing that they are *heard* and they are being treated the way they *deserve*....sure.

I'll pay up. Every fucking time.

*****

I'll be better in a few days. The vitriol caught me for a loop, although it shouldn't have at all. I should, sadly enough, be used to it.

At least now, I have peoples' measure. At least now, I know where I stand with certain individuals and while I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt...

Hell with it.

I'm a big girl. I got my big girl panties on.

I'm rolling with the punches, mon chats.

As always, it makes me stronger. It makes me wiser. It teaches me the lessons I need to learn.

A small breather, my friends...a moment to gather myself together.

I'll be OK.