Changing of the Guard

After some deep thoughts which eventually made their way to my conscious from my Bear subconscious, I realized that I need to do one final step to make my life mine in every which way.

I was born in South Korea, given a name by the orphanage (there wasn't a name pinned to me or any other kind of identification when I was found) and then renamed when I was brought to the United States.

After many years, I've become estranged from the family I was raised in through conscious decisions on both sides, some more than others. Now, I look at who I am and think of other Queer people who've also had their familial ties cut and decide to rebirth themselves.

This comes in a variety of ways....and for some, it includes a new name change.

For me, it's something I've thought about off and on during the years. I've kept my sons' last name because it would make it easier for them and for such things as school records.

Now that my sons are teen age boys, I feel I have more room to move in and after evolving and realizing that my gender is gender-neutral identified rather than 'female', I thought about choosing a new name for myself.

This isn't something I do lightly. It's going to require paperwork, documentation, and, of course, the almighty dollar for it to go through. I figure between needing a copy of my Naturalization Certificate (which I don't have on me now) and the name change court fees itself, it'll end up being around $500. Ouch. Merry fucking Christmas, Birthday, and Blessings be to me. Heh.

Still. My goal is to be truly me and...using the name I was given hurts now. There are memories that remind me daily of what I no longer have and will no longer have in my life. I'd rather not have those daily aches in my heart and would rather make a clean break of it.

So, I will become like the Phoenix and rebirth myself in the fires of everything that has hurt me and has haunted me. I can rise from the ashes and go forward and leave that past behind.

But a name! There was one important criteria for me. It had to be gender neutral. So I used my friend, Google, and googled gender neutral names. There was a lot of information there and I looked at a few websites before finding one that had gender neutral names by alphabet. That was dandy fine so I started with  a few favourite letters and went from there.

After I chose the names I liked best, I did some research. I didn't want a name that was a female version of a man's name straight up. I wanted a name that was truly neutral that someone could choose. So, even though I really like Irish names, too many of them mean 'the son of' and that wouldn't do.

I have four names that I'm considering. I need a middle name and a last name and that one I think I know of a last name that I'd like to have but I'm going to have to do some research on that, too.

I am, cautiously, thrilled with my progress, when it comes to putting the past aside, and I'm anxious to move forward and be the person I am deep inside.

I won't say there isn't hurt and there isn't grief because there is. I won't say that I wish things were different because I wish they could be. But. Life happens and it's up to me to go on living and Loving and laughing.

 I won't give up.