Faux friends and all that jazz

*jazz hands*

Or not.

I admit to being a suspicious sort. And once my mind starts ticking and the Darkness throws in some more thoughts for good measure, the party won't stop.

I think I know, though, why it's been a rough few days. I've been triggered and the trigger has been constant, and now that I understand what's going through my head, I can say, 'ok. Fun and games is over.'

I'm caught between faux friends and a hard place. I'm caught with the sneaking suspicion that I'm just not as useful/meaningful/worthy when I'm not as damaged as I used to be. I feel (and I may be wrong, but I might as well toss it out there) that to some people I know, it was a lot more satisfying to see me tossed like a leaf in the storm.

It's like it was ok when I was afraid and when I was weak and when I was more broken than I am now. It was ok cos it made people feel big and strong and better....but now that I'm not that person anymore....the communication and the contact has dwindled to almost nothing or nothing.

It's like I want to have friends who contact me instead of me contacting them all the freaking time. Tagging after them like a lost little puppy. Spend time with me....hang out with me....don't walk away and not ever call or anything cos that hurts me so much....ohhhh...so I guess I'll give in AGAIN and call or email or text or whatever and say, 'hey, haven't seen you in a long time! Let's get together!'

What's really precious is when I do that and I get white noise back. Static. No response whatsoever, and it takes a lot for me to go, 'it's NOT me. NOT NOT NOT.'

BOOM! Trigger alert! And it's like me wanting always to be Loved and accepted for who I am. It's me hoping and dreaming and wishing that I'll have friends who'll be there for me...cos damn it...I want to be there for MY friends.

I want to see my friends and do things with them. I want to laugh over coffee and share inside jokes, and go to places together. I want to store up these memories for me to take out when I feel cold inside, and the Darkness is howling. I want something to fuel those firefly days....

But I haven't had a firefly day in a week or two, and instead, I have the steady breath of the Darkness against my neck, and I am too aware of the sharp, cutting things in my house, and I do not feel safe...not all the time.

I cry at night. I try to circumvent the tapes in my head that tell me I'm not good enough, not worthy enough, just too much trouble and bother and it's better this way. I'm not going to disappoint anyone. I'm not going to make them feel obligated.

And sometimes, I just sit on my hands cos if I could, I'd tear myself apart with them. I feel like nothing.

So I have to make tough decisions. I have to decide what's more important to me. My inner health or me clinging to people I should let go.

I think they made their decision by their silence and by the way it's always me who initiates contact and time.

I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much. And it triggers too much. And I simply can't afford to give the Darkness any more weapons. It has more than enough all ready.

It's so hard, though. I'm the kind of person who would be friends forever, if I could. I'd want to know you for years upon years...I'd want to keep the friendship alive and nurturing and growing cos those are the best friendships to have.

Bear tells me that it's healthy to do this. Bear says that sometimes, things happen, and it's nothing to do with me or with the other person....life shifts, ice cracks, ties unbind. I'm to just be aware when it's time to move on.

But, ah. Aren't I someone to be proud of, now that I'm stronger and more assured and more....more than you ever dreamed I could be?

This maybe doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and I know my thoughts are all tangled right now...

I just write this out...write it out and think my thinks....and let go.



K.