October 11th is a big day in the Queer Community.
That's National Coming Out Day and for some of us, it's turning the page on a whole new life. It's scary it's exhilerating...it's heartbreaking it's triumphant...there are so many emotions.
Most of all, it's intensely personal. And people 'come out' when they are ready to do so.
Personally, I find it bitterly amusing that it has to be such a Big Deal. Meaning that why should it be such a Big Deal when a person's sexuality is just a part of who that person is?
I have learned that it's really offensive to say 'that person's gay' as if that's their defining feature. Really? Cos you know, there's more to a person than their sexuality. Or their gender.
But there are people who are threatened and unsettled by the whole idea that what is just one part of a person's wholeness is alien to them.
I say, 'get over it.'
And after some deep thought, I decided to come out of the closet myself and wave my Queer flag. Not that I wasn't afraid. I wanted to throw up. But. I'm done with having the door half open and peeking out and going, 'hmmm...now?'
Here's the thing, lads.
I've known about my own sexuality since I was young. I've known for SURE since I was 20. I'm 40 now, and have been half in the closet and half out the closet for 20 years. That's a long time to play peek a boo.
I was afraid of letting people know I am Queer. Afraid that they would judge me. Afraid that they'd turn their backs and walk away. Afraid that they'd say hurtful things to me, and that they'd tell me I am a degenerate a freak a bad person.
Mostly, afraid that they'd try to hurt me by taking away my sons or by telling me I am a bad example as a parent cos I am raising them to be comfortable with Queer people and to even Love and care for them. Mercy me, how radical is that??
But I'm 40 years old now. My sons are old enough to tell people to fuck off if they want, and I'm just done with wanting other peoples' approval, especially for something that isn't their damn business in the first place.
A couple of weeks ago, I went through training through NAMI MN to become a facilitator. NAMI is a wonderful organization that helps people and those who Love them deal with a mental illness. NAMI MN is based here in the Twin Cities but reaches out to all of Minnesotans who live with a mental illness. Awesome organization. And they trained me to be a co-facilitator for the first ever GLBTQA Connection Group. A peer support group for Queer people and their allies who are living with a mental illness.
My co-facilitator and I meet up with others in the basement of the Spirit of the Lakes church. We just started, and we hope to have others join us. We are committed to walking that path with others who need the understanding and support.
I figured that since I am going to be a facilitator, it's time to set aside my own fears and be as open and honest as I can. I'm pretty damn open about my own mental illnesses. I am more than willing to share my own experiences and ups and downs with my bipolar and depression and suicidal thoughts and all of that stuff. But for me to truly be part of this, I need to be Out. And being Out means coming out.
So I did. I posted a status in Facebook (cos, of course, that's where you post all the Big Doings) and waited for responses. I didn't receive one bad comment. Only support and Love and a bunch of 'Likes'. The feeling of wanting to throw up passed, and I felt vindicated--the people who care about me and Love me for me....they didn't give a damn.
So I'm Queer? So what.
I'm open about it now, to everyone. I'll let people know when it's appropriate, especially if a topic comes up like gay marriage or bisexuality where I can give a very personal viewpoint.
I've had some great conversations with classmates. I've found that people who are respectful can ask open ended questions, and I can answer them, and they can go, 'oh, I didn't think of it that way', and ask more questions and we all come away with this feeling of new understanding and support. It's a pretty awesome feeling.
I know I can tell people that just cos I'm Queer doesn't explain my mental illnesses and just cos I have mental illnesses doesn't mean they 'happened' cos of me being Queer. One does not cause the other in any way, shape or form.
I know that there will be people out there who will dislike me for my sexuality. I know that there will be people who will say hurtful things. I get that by continuing to speak up and not back down, I'm going to be a target for homophobic remarks.
Bring it, I say.
The people who Love me for me don't give a damn. My sons, my husband, my Chosen Family, my friends....their Love me for hasn't diminished one bit.
As for me, I'm going to stand up to the bullies and the homophobes and all that jazz. I want to stand up for those who have to stay silent for fear of harm to themselves. It's how I'm built. I've never been good with staying silent when others are being hurt.
So that's it. Me feeling as though I don't have anything to hide. What you see is what you get...and in the end, if I'd introduce myself to you, I'd tell you my name and that I'm going to college, and that I am a mom of two awesome boys. I'd tell you my favourite colour is red, and that I am a huge Harry Potter fan and a big ol' geek who reads and dreams and writes poetry and short stories. I like all sorts of music and I like to hang out with my friends, and Fall is my favourite season and I have a weakness for babies and Irish Wolfhounds. And I Love my husband and my sons and I am Queer. And really, out of all of that, why should Queer stand out when it's just a part of who I am? The whole package is all those bits and pieces of me, including my sexuality. Don't make my Queerness bigger than anything else cos really?? It isn't. It's a part of me that makes up the whole me. And don't we all have bits and pieces that make us all unique and fascinating individuals?
I think so....and I hope you do, too.
K.
No comments:
Post a Comment