Coming Home

When I was a growing up, I went to the Catholic church in my town. The ritual of the service was wonderful to me. Singing the songs and partaking of Holy Communion was the highlight for me.

One thing I had wanted to do was be an altar server. Since I went to a Catholic grade school, my fellow classmates took turns to serve at mass. I wanted to do that, too. They got to wear long robes and carry candles and the book that the priest read from, and even helped with the bread and wine at Communion. How awesome was that??

Except, of course, that all my classmates who helped out were boys. This was back in the day before it became altar servers and was altar *boys*.

Me, being who I am, went to the priest I liked and pleaded my case. Surely God and Jesus would understand that I wanted to help out just like my friends got to. I was a good girl in class and my behavior in church was pretty good. (except, for that part where you had to hold hands during the 'Our Father' and I'd giggle a little with my guy friends while we held hands)

To his credit, the priest said he'd look into it. And he did. And the final verdict was that the bishop of our area said that girls couldn't be altar servers. Because, you know, it's altar *boys* and because Jesus had 12 MALE apostles.

No, seriously. This was the logic that was given to me. I couldn't be part of the mass because I am a girl. I'm not even going to get into the whole Eve and Garden of Eden thing and whatnot.

I was crushed. I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't understand why I was denied this just cos I didn't have a penis. I didn't say that, of course. I thanked the priest for his help and that's when the beginning of my break with the Catholic church began. (the coup de grace was the whole GLBTQ thing...you know, where people like ME are abominations and deviants and whatnot and are not welcome as real sexual human beings) But I digress.

I wandered a spiritual path that has included paganism and wicca (not necessarily the same, ya'll). I have studied some buddhism and taoism. I've looked at shamanism and in the end, I've called myself spiritual. Not necessarily religious. But spiritual? Yeah, no doubt about that.

A couple of months ago, I joined a church here in the Cities. It is the first GLBTQA church that was founded by GLBTQA people, here in the Twin Cities. It is a warm, loving, close knit community and I have felt welcome from the very first day. My spirituality is what matters and if it's a combination of this and that and whatever...who cares? Not the other church members. And not Pastor James.

Pastor James called me this past week to ask me if I'd be a co-celebrant with him at a service. At THIS church, the members help in every part of the service. Not only as communion servers and readers but also to celebrate the mass along with Pastor James. Me, remembering that crushed girl of 12 years old, was thrilled to see this. Women in this church are honoured and asked to be part of the service and the community and to be more than just the usual 'foundation' that the Catholic church allows. So much more.

I am deeply honoured to have been asked this. I accepted and this Sunday, I will co-celebrate mass with a man who I've come to admire deeply and respect greatly. I'll be in front of a community who cares about me and accepts me as I am.

Honoured and a little terrified (it's a little intimidating to do that sort of thing the first time around and the wonder involved will never wear off, no matter how many times I'm asked)....and also, I feel vindicated.

One church told me I couldn't because I am a woman. THIS church tells me I CAN because I am me....a woman. a queer asian activist who has felt something heal that has hurt inside for all these years.

It's especially fitting that we're celebrating the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. at our service. He was a man, a human being with faults, just like the rest of us...but he was an activist, an African American who was murdered because he dared to dream for all of us.

Pastor James thought it was fitting for me to do this because of what I'm doing in the queer community as well as throughout the Twin Cities. I'm just blown away with the comparison.

So, this feels like coming home to me. I have a home now....a place where I can grow in my spirituality. A place that feels safe.

I am blessed in so many ways. I have an embarrassment of riches in my life with my sons, with my husband, with my Chosen family and with my friends.

This is just the icing on the cake.


If I could have told my 12 year old self who was wiping at her tears that this would be my future...if I could tell her, 'it's OK. Because in the end, you WILL be validated', I would.

It does get better. In so many ways.


K.