I was 17 when I was diagnosed with bipolar.
I can remember it starting when I was 12. It flared when I was 14. And from there on, it has been part of my life, over half my lifetime now.
I don't have strong manic episodes. They usually consist of me unable to sleep so I read. Or get up and do housework. Or watch movies. My mind agitates. I can't sleep because I have thoughts rushing up and down the expressways of my mind and I can feel them whooosh up and down, back and forth, like race cars. It is a bit disturbing and I am grateful when they slow down, when my mind stops spinning, and I can sleep.
But those are nothing compared to the depressive episodes. When the Blackness hits (a term I've used for my depression), things slow down. I move slower, I talk slower, I think slower. Somebody dumped molasses into my think tank and it gums up the works. Those days, I take slow, deep breaths and do what needs to be done but I don't push myself. I know that I need to take the time to let my chemistry balance itself and if I exhaust myself, that puts me square into another danger.
The Darkness comes. The Darkness (which is my suicidal thoughts) is awful. It's insidious and remorseless. It washes over everything, mutes everything in my head, shuts down as much as It can. Some days, I don't hear it. Not much. Just a subliminal murmur that I can ignore as I go about and enjoy the day. When the Blackness hits, that murmur gets pushed up a few notches. I can still ignore the Darkness, it's harder, but I concentrate on eating well and sleeping and not triggering anything if I can help it.
Once the Darkness is in full effect, that murmur becomes a full out roar, a scream, a rush of noise that overshadows and overwhelms. Its goal is to grind me down, to tire me, to make me pick up the blades and end it. When the Darkness is calling, I won't touch the knives in the house. I am not in a good place in my head and I know now, that I can tell my Awesome Guy and he will hold me while I cry and while I fight and while I push back as hard as I dare to. Exhausting myself emotionally is just a very bad idea.
So I push back. I try to Remember that this will pass. The Darkness will again fade away to almost nothing and I will be here, still. There are people who DO Love me. They Love me for me. I don't have to hide who I am. Or be someone I'm not.
I try and Remember this while I'm lost in the fog in my mind and all I can hear is the Darkness screaming at me. I do have One Weapon, though.
I call Him Bear. He is the sum and substance of my subconscious and my inner strength and wisdom. He is the entirety of my Soul and my Guardian of the Gates. He treads the Garden Paths inside and sends me Bear Dreams, rich with magic and wisdom. I don't get those often but I recognize them when I do. Bear resides deep inside and when I am at my wit's end, He comes out, lumbering, His great grizzly form rearing up to full measure and I retreat, letting Bear deal with the Darkness.
Bear does so with grace and strength. He pushes It back. He has no patience for the lies nor the knife edge and He gives me the breathing space I need to gather my resources and shut It down.
I am exhausted after a fight with the Darkness. I sleep a lot. I am fragile emotionally and am prone to tears until my equilibrium catches up with me.
The Darkness tells me that I am alone. It says that no one would care if I left. It says that I would be a good riddance as I am nothing but a burden to those who Love me and that it would be a relief when I'm gone. It says that I am Worthless. It says so many things that have hurt me ever since I was small.
Bear says that these are all Lies. Lies and things people have told me because they wanted to hurt me, because they wanted to control me, because they could not accept me for who I am and that I could not be what they wanted me to be. Bear says that I need to continue to fight and that I need to let others know that they're not alone when they hurt inside and when their own Darkness comes calling their Name.
When I am doing Ok, when I can feel the sun shine inside of me, I don't believe the Darkness one moment. I know the Lies for what they are and I can dismiss them easily. They are but shadows in the sun.
It's when I'm not doing Ok, when the Blackness has twisted my perception and the Darkness is waiting in the wings, that's when it's easier to think that perhaps I'm just being delusional. Perhaps I am lying to myself.
Today is a good day. My head is clear, my wrists don't ache (a sign that my chemical balance in my body is gone awry) and I don't hear the whispers very much at all. I'm taking it easy today. I will probably nap later on and make sure that I keep my resources as full as I can.
I am so very grateful for the people who Love me. I am so very grateful for my friends who are there for me, when I feel alone. I have my sons and my Awesome Guy and a great great roomie who understands my struggles and I am enriched so much by the people in my life.
The Blackness and the Darkness seek to isolate, this I know. I think it's important for people who fight it, to seek out just one person to talk to. I think it's important for those who Love us who fight, to let us know that they're here for us, that they will hold our hand,lead us out or walk beside us until we can walk away.
I write about this because I want people to know they're not alone in the Good Fight. There is nothing to be ashamed of. There is always hope. There is always Love.
Don't believe what the Darkness tells you. The Darkness is a Lie.
K.
Sometimes when I am in the Darkness (to borrow your terms), I have a little ritual.
ReplyDeleteI try to let go of the world as though I had died. It's like a pseudo-suicide. The dead have no responsibilities, no fears, no loves, no possessions, nothing. So in my head, I let go of my responsibilities, fears, loves, possessions and everything as though I were dead. I let it all wash away. I make no attempt to hold on to it. I suppose it is something of a cleansing, a reseting of the soul.
All the responsibilities, fears, loves and possessions are still there, they can't be destroyed so easily. But it is refreshing to totally let go of them. What it does in my mind is remind me that death is but one escape. If I wanted to, I could abandon all my things, all my friends, all my responsibilities and just live somewhere else, be someone else. So after the ritual I am forced to decide not between life and death, but between staying and going from each of my responsibilities and stresses. Sometimes I stay, sometimes I go. And I do so with a clear mind.
For me it always marks the point at which I come back out of the Darkness. Of course, stress is what usually triggers my Darkness, so it makes sense that letting go would bring in some Light. I cannot begin to know if your experience is at all similar to mine.