Two tales of Woe and One of Joy

I have a twitter account and on my feed, I have subscribed to some amazing people. I'm not much with 'famous' people. I think I only follow one or two.

I'm much more into fellow queers. feminists, activists, and advocates. I get all the good stuff from them...and the bad stuff, too.

Here's a couple of shitacular things from my feed and one that absolutely broke me...but in a wonderful, amazing way.

*****

Have you heard of the National Organization for Marriage? Also known as NOM, they are the anti-queer group that has been listed as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center, a non profit civil rights organization that tracks such groups throughout the United States and the world.

NOM's latest attacks on same sex marriage have reached a new nauseating low. John Eastman, the chair of NOM was quoted as saying that 'adoption in families...by a heterosexual couple, is by far the second-best option.'

Oh, really?

So, let me get this right. Point the first, adopted families are inferior to those families whose mothers were able to conceive and bear children. Point the second, hetero sexual families are OK to adopt but not same sex families. Point the third, adopted *children* are inferior to biologically born children.

Right. Here's my Point, motherfucker: You and your whole organization and words like these are hurtful, venial, & as about unfamily as one could be.

Also, from my own adopted queer potty mouth: Fuck off, you bunch of bloody wankers.

I imagine I'd be their *perfect* poster child as why an adopted child is much more inferior than a biological child.

Hah. As my son would say, 'Come at me, bro. Let's do this.'

Ya'll can pop popcorn and enjoy the show.

*****

Moving from NOM's "expert" opinion on family life, there's this news that's making its way around now.

Republican Bob Porter has recently announced that his position on same sex marriage has changed. Yes, shocking, I know, yet another politician who's milking the political cow for all it's worth.

Moo, Motherfucker.

Why has this change of heart occurred? Why, because he has a gay son and all of a sudden, he joins the group of Republicans who have issued statements of support for queer people in, well, queer ways.

You know, like Laura Bush who said in an interview that she's all right with queer folk. Yet I don't see her being a strong ally.

And then, of course, we have Dick Cheney whose personal motto might be, 'it's all right as long as it's in the family but forget that nonsense about equal rights and all that.' (cue harumphing noises)

Yeah, OK.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's great that Bob's son is being supported by his dad. That's super important.

But it's funny how his dad has been against same sex marriage and equal rights for queers all these years and you know what, Bob?

Nice of you to have that stance while your kid is right there, a real life reminder of who you're blocking rights from...I mean, how do you think that made him feel?

I don't know. I don't know when the young man came out to his family....and I'm not about to put words into his mouth...

But I can tell you how *I* felt when I heard my own parents expressing disgust for queer people and let's not even get into the day my father said something along the lines of 'AIDS is a gay person's disease.'

Picture a small nuclear explosion above our house that day and you'll get an idea.

And people wonder why it took me so long to come out of my own personal closet?

Look, it's great that he's all supportive and an ally now and all that blah blah bullshit stuff, ok? Super. Lovely.

But let's not forget the fact that this man has denied equal rights for YEARS to the queer community.

I'm not pinning any fucking medals on him.

*****

And finally, the thing that broke me...that made my heart swell just like the Grinch (only much larger) and had me crying happy tears.

I gotta share this photo. Click on the link and it'll open up.

Take a gander at this picture. Read the note. And see how this dad puts fake ass Bob Porter to shame.


LOVE!!!!

Honestly, do you see why I bawled? oh my god. I don't know who this dad is, but I want to hug and kiss him...and the kid's mom, too.

I wish every queer kid had parents like this kid. Hell, I wish I did. (wry smile)

But there you go. Two sads and a Fuck yeah, awesome!

If your heart hurts today cos of all that meanness out there, just click on the picture again, ok?

And feel free to share the love...this picture should go viral.


Take care, dear hearts. Stay strong. We have allies and friends and those who'll fight the good fight with us.

Don't ever forget!

When you hit my triggers, it goes like BOOM

I've been really blunt about living with mental illness. It is part of my life. It's not MY life although, at times, the fucking Darkness wants to roll me over and make me beg for my life. Lay me flat on my back with my belly up in the air and myself gasping for breath. Yeah, I have those days.

But I refuse to let it have any more of my life and my head than it already does. Some days, the fight goes well. Some days, I wrap myself up in my electric blankie, drink tea, sleep, and remind myself that I'm still alive and that's what counts, Motherfucker!

This past week, I've been triggered by some events. Triggered by people. I have reacted the following ways:

Slept for shit. I kid you not, when I don't get enough sleep, my whole body feels it and it's run city. It's pretty much what you see is what you get and when I get maybe four hours of sleep three days in a row? It's not a good thing, mon chats, not at all.

Cried. Or tried to. It's hard for me. I've been conditioned that crying=weak ass Motherfucker and boy oh boy, not so much. So I remind myself it's OK to cry but by that time, I'm so shut up like a steel trap that it isn't happening. The crying, that is. So instead, I go for door number three...

Rage. Or, cos it's pre moon cycle week (well, it was) sad-rage which is about as much fun as putting your finger into a light socket. Really really.

And the worst part of it is that I have to let it roll out. If I have PTSD reactions, if I flinch more than usual, if I cringe at loud noises and ghost around people, it's what happens when my triggers are hit.

And my living with mental illness becomes me skirting the edges of the Darkness and I really don't want that.

So.

I see some big changes coming in my life. I see some necessary arrangements happening. It's hard to change. I like consistency and I like stability but I'm used to chaos and I'm used to the ground shifting under my feet.

I'll land on my feet. I always do.


In the meantime, I'm kind to myself. I gather those around me who will Love me for me and will take care of me. I slowly regain my strength and slowly recover from the triggers that went off without any warning whatsoever.

And I'm not ashamed of this. I'm not feeling guilty or thinking I'm a bad person. I'm coping the best I can and by not being an abusive asshat back is worth something, I'd say.

Soon. I promise you. As soon as I catch my breath.

As for you, triggers....have fun while you can. I'm shutting you down as soon as I'm able.

Changing of the Guard

After some deep thoughts which eventually made their way to my conscious from my Bear subconscious, I realized that I need to do one final step to make my life mine in every which way.

I was born in South Korea, given a name by the orphanage (there wasn't a name pinned to me or any other kind of identification when I was found) and then renamed when I was brought to the United States.

After many years, I've become estranged from the family I was raised in through conscious decisions on both sides, some more than others. Now, I look at who I am and think of other Queer people who've also had their familial ties cut and decide to rebirth themselves.

This comes in a variety of ways....and for some, it includes a new name change.

For me, it's something I've thought about off and on during the years. I've kept my sons' last name because it would make it easier for them and for such things as school records.

Now that my sons are teen age boys, I feel I have more room to move in and after evolving and realizing that my gender is gender-neutral identified rather than 'female', I thought about choosing a new name for myself.

This isn't something I do lightly. It's going to require paperwork, documentation, and, of course, the almighty dollar for it to go through. I figure between needing a copy of my Naturalization Certificate (which I don't have on me now) and the name change court fees itself, it'll end up being around $500. Ouch. Merry fucking Christmas, Birthday, and Blessings be to me. Heh.

Still. My goal is to be truly me and...using the name I was given hurts now. There are memories that remind me daily of what I no longer have and will no longer have in my life. I'd rather not have those daily aches in my heart and would rather make a clean break of it.

So, I will become like the Phoenix and rebirth myself in the fires of everything that has hurt me and has haunted me. I can rise from the ashes and go forward and leave that past behind.

But a name! There was one important criteria for me. It had to be gender neutral. So I used my friend, Google, and googled gender neutral names. There was a lot of information there and I looked at a few websites before finding one that had gender neutral names by alphabet. That was dandy fine so I started with  a few favourite letters and went from there.

After I chose the names I liked best, I did some research. I didn't want a name that was a female version of a man's name straight up. I wanted a name that was truly neutral that someone could choose. So, even though I really like Irish names, too many of them mean 'the son of' and that wouldn't do.

I have four names that I'm considering. I need a middle name and a last name and that one I think I know of a last name that I'd like to have but I'm going to have to do some research on that, too.

I am, cautiously, thrilled with my progress, when it comes to putting the past aside, and I'm anxious to move forward and be the person I am deep inside.

I won't say there isn't hurt and there isn't grief because there is. I won't say that I wish things were different because I wish they could be. But. Life happens and it's up to me to go on living and Loving and laughing.

 I won't give up.

Anger Issues & Such Indelicacies...

Well, now.

For those who know me fairly well, I am, shall we say, an intense person. It's taken me some time to learn how to ease back on the throttle and to learn how to say what I want to say with more conciseness.

My writing style is less Ernest Hemingway and more Mark Twain--and that's fine by me. I like a good yarn and if I write in a way that is welcoming and engaging to people, that's pretty awesome.

I tend to forget the folksy style, however, and Hemingway my writing (there, I just created a new writing phrase, y'all) when it comes to social justice issues. I won't beat around the bush and I won't dilute what I'm saying out of fear of offending people.

This is bombastic, bold, forward, whatever you wish to call it and I agree. I can come across as pushy, arrogant, straight talking, whatever else, both positive and negative. And given to misinterpretation or misunderstandings.

Here's something to chew on: If you have a problem with me or think I'm, oh, a man-hater or am always angry or something like that, come talk to me about it. And after you get done pushing your POV on me, fair's fair. Like I tell my sons, they get one shot at you and they better make it count cos otherwise, they're gonna either wish they never fucked with you or they're going to learn a bitter lesson.

Bring it, I say. And here's my response back. Now that I've heard from various sources that I'm too much & too angry & too focused on this 'rape stuff' and this 'queer stuff', it's my turn.

You're right. I'm angry. And I'm focused. Absolutely. But with that being said, as a person who sees the daily bullshit in mass media and in our culture, a little anger is a logical reaction.

See, I'm not a man hater. But I do loathe men who carry on with the patriarchal bullshit and misogyny.

But I'm also not crazy about women who buy into the patriarchal bullshit and misogyny and parrot that shit.

Scratch that, I'm not crazy about PEOPLE, period who carry on with that. People who are rape apologists. People who are transphobic and homophobic and biphobic and well, phobic, period. In regards to people who are seen as 'deviants'.

Hey, if you aren't crazy about bugs and heights, I totally am on that band wagon. But I digress.

I've learned in sociology and anthropology that deviancy is anything that's outside the norm and anything that's outside the norm is subjective. I've also learned that just cos I know that fancy explanation doesn't help my heart any when I'm called a 'freak' or 'bitch' cos I'm open about my own deviancies.

I'm angry because people are being victimized, bullied, beaten, raped, and *murdered* cos some asshat with no concept of open mindedness decides to make like some Dystopian vigilante and dispense their idea of justice.

I'm angry because people continue to carry elitist, classicist attitudes and refuse to consider intersectionality when it comes to being an activist and/or advocate.

I'm angry because when I tell people, this is an example of all that bullshit, it's my fault for bringing it up. Yeah, that's awesome. Blame the person for having the guts in the first place to say, 'look....this isn't cool and this is why.'

Nice. And I'm angry because I like to think that my friends are the ones who will back me up. Everyone else might troll me or call me names but my friends will go, 'We dig it.'

No, not so much...at least, not with some of them and at that point, are we really friends? Cos, bluntly, I'm beginning to wonder.

Here's the thing, lads.

It *hurts* to see this shit every day. It hurts to read my twitter feed and see examples of how people can hurt each other in horrific ways. It breaks my heart to talk to people who feel as though they're worthless & there's nobody who loves them for who they are. I cry when I read comments that blame the survivor, that encourage the hurtfulness to go on...I've been known to curl up into a small ball under my electric blankie and bawl my eyes out, just so I can let those feelings out.

And so you ask, why do it, then? Why be an advocate? Why be such an outspoken activist? Why put that target on your back?

And I can give you names. I can give you the names of the young who've been bullied and have died of suicide. I can give you the names of activists in Africa who died fighting for equal rights and the damn right to live as a queer person. I can give you names of rape survivors and people living with mental illness and people who hate themselves cos they aren't 'normal.'

I can list the people of colour who have stood up and stood for equality and human dignity. Some have been murdered for it. Others still fight the good fight.

I am honoured to be an activist. I will never lose the wonder of being introduced as an advocate for people living with mental illness. I will never not feel that shiver down my spine when people talk to me and tell me I've changed their life.

I am humbled by peoples' trust. I am astounded by the allies I've come across and the conversations we've had and how we're all linked together in the Good Fight. Me. I'm part of that. I am...there are no words.

So.

Before you assume I hate men. Before you assume I'm always this Walking Pillar of Anger & Scorch the Earth.

Nah. Yeah, I get angry. Yeah, I'm going to get passionate and intense when I talk about these issues. So does everyone else when it comes to something they really like.

But I do this not out of anger but out of this...this fierce hope and this tenderness and this Love that supercedes fear and loneliness and ostracism. I've seen progress and I've seen people open themselves to different ways of thinking and different lives than theirs and I've seen people who've felt as though they had nobody who would be there for them find out differently.

And then, I cry for another reason...for the awesomeness and the gratitude and the feeling of connection that wipe out, for that time, all that ugliness and hurt and we look at each other as we should: fellow human beings on this journey called life.

So, OK. That's what I have to say to all of you who assume you know me so well. Hopefully this helps.

I'm making no apologies for being who I am and doing what I'm doing. Don't mistake this as one; that would be unwise.

When all is said and done, I'll take my anger and be judicious with its use. I'll fuel my advocacy and activism with the outrage I feel when I read about injustices. I'll keep reading and learning so as to truly be open to all types of intersectionality. I will continue to blog, continue to share links, continue to let people have the opportunity to challenge their own preconceived notions.

Come on, join me...it is one hell of a journey but in the end...it's worth everything.

Good Intentions and all that...

It's been a while since I've posted in here. My attention has been pulled in many different directions but I am consolidating my blogging platforms and am going to have all links go to this one. This one here blog.

So my two tumblrs will end up here (when I post original posts and not re blogs)...and some of my writing stuff will go here and a lot of personal thoughts and feelings will go here.

I'm happy to finally get this all sorted out.

Thanks for staying with me this long...it's going to be much less confusing.  :)

 

 

K.

Hope. Support. Love.

To the GLBTQA youth of North Carolina:

Yeah, it blows. I was bawling so hard last night when I heard the news and I'm a few states away. I can only imagine your hurt and fear and grief right now.

I know you have good allies there. I hope you've seen the news where people are disgusted by this Amendment and vow to overturn it. I hope you've been able to hear one person say, 'this is so wrong.'

Cos it IS wrong. They talk about moral values and they preach about the bible and somehow, I don't think they get how ironic this is. I mean, people sure like to quote certain passages in the bible about how being queer is a sin and you'll burn in hell but they sure don't like it when someone points out to them that they shouldn't play football. Or wear cotton-polyester. Or have a tattoo. That's called hypocrisy and it's a fancy word for people who don't like having their own words proven false.

Here's something I want you to know. You have more people who care and support and Love you than you even know. Seriously. There's a whole country, wait, a whole WORLD full of people who understand and accept you just as you are. We think you're pretty amazing brilliant fantastic the cat's meow you name it, that's who you are.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You don't need to be fixed. You don't need 'straight therapy'. You certainly don't need someone making your daily life a living hell. hah. They say, 'you'll burn in hell??' I bet you want to say, 'can't be any worse than what I go through every day of my life right now.'

And I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that you are being hurt like that. 

And to me, you are the bravest people I know. Being a teen can suck on a good day. Being an out GLBTQA teen can make those days a picnic at times. But there you are, being you. If I could, I'd hug every single one of you. 

I know you've read about the Civil Rights movement and that time where people united together to end segregation. It was a hard, scary time. People were murdered and hurt and called names....dogs and fire hoses were used...and the brutality was just awful. But they did it. They didn't stop and they kept on until finally, equality was law.

And it'll happen here, too. It's a hard, scary time. People have been murdered and have been hurt and been called names. There has been brutality and it's been awful. But we're not backing down. We're united and we're going to keep going until it truly is equality for all.

I know it hurts. And I know it's tempting to give up hope and to think no one cares and no one understands and you're all alone. And unloved.

But hey....hey, that's not true. 

Don't give up hope. Don't believe those who tell you you're unloveable or unwanted. They're liars and they should be ashamed of themselves.

It might take a little longer...but the tide is turning. Change is happening. Trust me.

Hold my hand. Tight. I won't let go. I promise. Let's keep fighting, ok? Hate never wins. Love has always always overcome.

I Love you, don't forget that, no matter where you are, big city, little town, countryside or seaside...

Never forget that, ok? And remember this, too...

Love is Love.

 

K.

The day after, my thoughts become clear...

So yesterday, North Carolina (well, 60%) voted to approve Amendment One which basically screws over ANYONE who is not married. Oh, and not heterosexual. This amuses me cos the fine print apparently wasn't read and people didn't realize that this meant domestic partnerships and civil unions and ANYTHING that isn't stamped 'MARRIED' is null and void.

I raged, I admit. I raged, I cried my eyes out (ten minutes which meant I had these horrid mad dog red eye Hound of Baskerville eyes). Then, I calmed down. Keep me angry, mon chats. Me being angry is a lot like The Hulk on a rampage. Lokis better run. But me calm? Now we're talking his alter ego and Dr. Bruce Banner is one scary smart man.

Thank you to the 40% who voted against the Amendment. I forgot (as did a lot of people) that not everyone was for this travesty. There were a LOT of people working their hearts out to try and defeat this. I have some dear friends who live in that state and let me tell you, they are NOT happy. And so, to you who support my queer ass, thank you. I <3 the hell out of you, every single one of you.

Thank you to the 60% who voted for the Amendment. See, what we all forgot was that North Carolina is NOT the first state to pass something like this. We have 30 (count them THIRTY) states who have added amendments banning same sex marriage. This just isn't a North Carolina problem. This is a problem in our United States of America. North Carolina helped provide the focus but let's not forget we have 29 other states who are on the same page.

And ya'll can talk about democracy. And ya'll can tell me that the times will change. And my response is going to be a very soft reply (cos otherwise, I'd scream it): And it's too bad that our GLBTQ youth who commit suicide and are being bullied and being beaten are paying the price until then.

I live here in Minnesota and this November, our state is gearing up for its own Amendment vote. I never thought I'd see the day. This state which was the pride of liberal openness and acceptance, which had the great Hubert H. Humphrey and the fiery Paul Wellstone as our senators...this state which for quite some time was the keyword when it came to tolerance has become a state I don't recognize anymore.

And so this November, I'm going to go to the polls, and I'm going to vote NO and I'm going to tell everyone I know that they need to strike this Amendment down. I'm telling my friends that they need to volunteer with United For All Families cos they're working SO hard to talk to everyone they can reach and tell them, 'this is who I am. I'm not the boogie man. I'm not someone to be afraid of. I'm just like you.'

I'm just like you. I go to school and fret about tests and homework assignments. I work part time and worry about money. I enjoy reading science fiction and fantasy. I love to get together with friends and hang out and talk. I have two amazing sons who I Love Love Love...I live with mental illness and have good days and bad days. I have an amazing husband who Loves me for me and my sexuality has never been an issue with him. 

My sexuality is a part of me, just like it's a part of you. It doesn't make EVERYTHING about me, just like it doesn't make EVERYTHING about you so why does it have to be front and centre? For goodness sake, it's really none of your business just like your sexuality is really none of my business and aren't there more interesting things to know about a person?

I'm hoping that our country is reaching a turning point. Just like it did in the Civil Rights era. People want to move forward, not stay in the past where GLBTQ folk are discriminated against, are not seen as equal citizens like heterosexual people, are concerned for their lives and the lives of their friends and those they love.

I'm hoping that there will come a day where GLBTQ youth will be loved and accepted for who they are.

I'm hoping that people remember that Jesus taught us to Love one another as we wished to be Loved. To cast no stones. To treat others the way we wish to be treated.

Love is not hate. Love is not what I've seen these past few years.

I believe we can turn this around. 

Faith Hope and Love and the greatest of all is Love.