When you hit my triggers, it goes like BOOM

I've been really blunt about living with mental illness. It is part of my life. It's not MY life although, at times, the fucking Darkness wants to roll me over and make me beg for my life. Lay me flat on my back with my belly up in the air and myself gasping for breath. Yeah, I have those days.

But I refuse to let it have any more of my life and my head than it already does. Some days, the fight goes well. Some days, I wrap myself up in my electric blankie, drink tea, sleep, and remind myself that I'm still alive and that's what counts, Motherfucker!

This past week, I've been triggered by some events. Triggered by people. I have reacted the following ways:

Slept for shit. I kid you not, when I don't get enough sleep, my whole body feels it and it's run city. It's pretty much what you see is what you get and when I get maybe four hours of sleep three days in a row? It's not a good thing, mon chats, not at all.

Cried. Or tried to. It's hard for me. I've been conditioned that crying=weak ass Motherfucker and boy oh boy, not so much. So I remind myself it's OK to cry but by that time, I'm so shut up like a steel trap that it isn't happening. The crying, that is. So instead, I go for door number three...

Rage. Or, cos it's pre moon cycle week (well, it was) sad-rage which is about as much fun as putting your finger into a light socket. Really really.

And the worst part of it is that I have to let it roll out. If I have PTSD reactions, if I flinch more than usual, if I cringe at loud noises and ghost around people, it's what happens when my triggers are hit.

And my living with mental illness becomes me skirting the edges of the Darkness and I really don't want that.

So.

I see some big changes coming in my life. I see some necessary arrangements happening. It's hard to change. I like consistency and I like stability but I'm used to chaos and I'm used to the ground shifting under my feet.

I'll land on my feet. I always do.


In the meantime, I'm kind to myself. I gather those around me who will Love me for me and will take care of me. I slowly regain my strength and slowly recover from the triggers that went off without any warning whatsoever.

And I'm not ashamed of this. I'm not feeling guilty or thinking I'm a bad person. I'm coping the best I can and by not being an abusive asshat back is worth something, I'd say.

Soon. I promise you. As soon as I catch my breath.

As for you, triggers....have fun while you can. I'm shutting you down as soon as I'm able.