Gratitude

I need to give credit where credit is due.

There are times when I find it hard to function. The Darkness has a hold of me and I can't think and it just *hurts* and I hold on the best I can.

During those times, my Awesome Guy takes care of me. He makes sure I eat. (when I have the appetite to eat). He makes sure I am feeling safe, especially because I most often don't during those times. He protects me and comforts me and when I cry, he holds me.

He stands in front of anything that could hurt me and allows me the time I need to mend myself, to heal the hurts deep inside.

It is a precious gift and one that is pretty impossible to pay back.

When I'm feeling well again, I return the favour as best I can. I think he's pretty Awesome in all ways and I'm not shy about telling him or anyone else. I think he's pretty wonderful and I'm pretty lucky. I'll say that to anyone who will listen.

It's hard being the person who holds things together. I've been in that situation and while Rome is burning, there's no time for fiddling.

All the while, I'm watching the person I Love hurt and it's agonizing.

But.

It's important for me to let them heal, it's important for me to let them do their work. Becoming a healthy, whole person is a ginormous task in and of itself and it must be done by the person who is working towards it. I can't do it for that person.

But I can be there for this person and hold the one candle in the Darkness. I'm here as a beacon.

And this is what my Awesome Guy does for me. He knows I fight as hard as I can to find my way back to him. He holds that candle and I find my way back, even though I feel lost and sick at heart...I know if I reach towards him, I'll find my way.

Thank you for being the light in the Dark. I know it's hard, sometimes. I know it can be frustrating and sometimes resentment and anger can build up, too. That's understandable.

But you've never given up on me, even when I'm about ready to give up on myself. You've told me I'm beautiful and wonderful and everything you've ever wanted, when I feel ugly and pathetic and worthless.

To all of you who watch over and take care of your hurting Loved ones...thank you. You are a light in the dark, a blazing beacon when the Dark threatens to overwhelm.

Thank you.

K.

Winter's Journey- A Poem

I have tried to sum up my thoughts best I can. This is on the fly but it will do, I think.



I walk along the path near the lake.
Crystal quiet with the snow glistening on the trees.
I can hear the rustle of the branches as the wind winds through.
I can see the frost form delicate lace upon any surfaces available.
My breath leaves traces of steam in the air.

The beauty of the winter heart moves my sluggish blood.
I appreciate the wonder of the cruel neutrality which offers no mercy.
Tis the cry of the desolate I hear.

The path is worn by the tread of tires and feet.
I can see the pebbles through the ice and snow, textures that rub against my boots.
My mittens are warm and fuzzy and stick with the snow.
The scarf around my neck is beacon red and keeps the chill from my throat.

I can see where the lake has broken through the ice.
The water is dark as diamonds in the moonlight, as pearls beneath the surface of the moon.
I can see bits of ice dash against the edges, blurring into slush.

My first step is breathtaking cold and I exhale all the warmth I had.
Water fills my boots and numbs my ankles along the way to my heart.
By the time I reach my thighs, I feel nothing but the cold erasing the agony inside.
It is Winter's Maiden returned to self and my hair transforms into ice and strands of crystal beads.

I take a final look up through the surface, glints of sunlight turning the blue into prisms of azure.
I am the mermaid, the selkie, the wanderer returned home.
There are no regrets to my Journey back to where I came.
My last thoughts are of you. And you. And Love and loss.
I kiss you through the waves.


K.

Stretching the Heart

Grief is an odd thing.

It comes and goes as it pleases and there really is no rhyme or reason to it. I have thought that I was over someone or something only to find that hearing a song, smelling a scent, or seeing the silhouette of a figure brings those emotions to the surface again, swelling and breaking like water against the rocks.

I won't say that it doesn't hurt because it does. Grief is meant to make one aware of their losses and it would be someone who was too numb to care who wouldn't feel the pain of assessing the losses when the memories echo.

I find that I would rather grieve than turn off all my emotions. I risk nothing by doing so. I feel nothing in return. Sometimes, it's good to take a break from the pain and the sadness. There's only so much stretching a person's heart can do before it takes a toll and I don't blame anyone for needing to step back, to disassociate from the hurt for a while.

But it's too damn dangerous to stay that way. Becoming numb and frozen can be addicting. Some people never thaw their emotions. They choose to see everything from behind a shield. But.

No pain, no gain as they say and there is so much to gain by feeling fully what life has to offer.

There is Love. There is joy. There is giddiness. There is that lightning bolt that comes from nowhere and gives inspiration. There is relief so gripping that it narrows all sensation down to sweat and breath. There is tenderness so pure it makes one gasp.

I am grieving right now. I have lost a wonderful person in my life and it will take some time for me to feel like "me" again. Admittedly, I'm a little numb because my first instinct is to shut down and get through it and then, later on, open things up bit by bit and heal.

And that's OK. I do it my way and others do it theirs. I won't stay numb forever. I've done that before and while it does protect me, it also limits me and I won't be limited by anything, thanks.

For now, grief is a quiet companion that reminds me that the price for Loving is losing, sometimes. That life doesn't last forever so it's very important to Love the ones who are here and to honour the ones who have gone on.

And most importantly, grief allows me to grow inside. It stretches my heart and deepens my commitment to those I Love and so I am, oddly, grateful for grief.

I need a little time and I'll be OK. I will keep on Loving and caring and supporting...that won't stop just because I need to also grieve.

A quiet time is all I need.


K.

It's been a heck of a month thus far!

Wow.

I have wanted to write in this blog on a semi regular basis and this hasn't exactly gone according to plan.

If this is semi regular, I'd have fiber companies begging me for commercial time. Heh.

But there has been a reason for the silence and I apologize profusely for the quiet.

This past Saturday, my Awesome Guy and I were handfasted. Handfasting is a very old tradition in which two people pledge themselves for a certain period of time. In some circles, it's a symbolic year and a day in which case, at that time, they can choose to go for another length of time, they can choose to part ways, or they can choose to make it permanent. This handfasting is a nod to certain beliefs of mine and my Awesome Guy was quite all right in planning and participating in this ritual.

We had invited his family, our closest friends, and my Chosen Family who were absolutely tickled pink to attend such an event. Some of my Chosen Family had never been to a handfasting before--some were old hat at this--but all were happy to be part of the celebration.

We were lucky enough to have a gorgeous fall day. In this part of the country, Minnesota is fickle in the fall and it could have been an absolutely *miserable* day. But we were lucky and the sun was shining, there was a bit of a breeze but it only made the banners fly more briskly, and everyone was comfortable until night fell and the temperatures dropped.

My two sons were involved in every aspect of the ceremony. They chose certain parts and they were in the ceremony and they were absolutely wonderful. I was so happy to see them want to be part of everything and they had such a fun time afterwards.

I wore a beautiful gown that one of my very closest friends sewed for me. I felt so pretty in my gown and wore it most of the day.

My Awesome Guy wore a great outfit as well, pinstripe pants, tuxedo shirt with tie, and a jacket.

My Awesome Guy also bought me a bouquet to carry with me and it was so pretty!

After the ceremony, everyone had brought potluck for the reception and there were TONS of food and drink and we all ate as much as we wanted. We had guests stay until the early hours of the morning and that was perfectly fine with me. This was a celebration with people who care and support and Love us and to have them hang out and laugh and talk and eat with us really made the day complete.

There were a few guests who couldn't make it, of course. Distance and other commitments and ungodly emergencies had them unable to be part of the day, but I know that they were with us in spirit and that's what counted.

Next year, we will have the Commitment Ceremony and that's the "legally binding" one because we'll have that fancy piece of paper that says we're married and I get to do all the fun name changes and whatnot (rolls eyes). Big whoop.

But. This year, this past Saturday, I made my vows in front of the people I Love and to the man I Love and that is, to me, what matters most of all.


K.

In which the Heroine is surprised by the hours in a day

I'm trying to figure out my schedule in the near future and as far as I can tell, I think I need the following.

1. One time-turner

2. One DeLorean

3. One bottle of strong whiskey


Right now, things are going fine, things are steady...I am doing pretty well as far as getting things together is concerned.

And then, mid October, my next class starts. This bumps up my college time to insane and my work time to somewheres in there and homework time and such...well, it kind of grows, too. FEED ME, SEYMOUR!!!

On top of that, I have the schedules and doings of my two great sons and that includes orchestra, cub scouts, boy scouts, their homework, get togethers with friends and family time. Oh, and two weekends a month with their father.

Did I say just one bottle of whiskey?

Luckily, I do have a Secret Weapon at my disposal. This would be, of course, my Awesome Guy. This week, he took my oldest son to school when I had to be at work at an ungodly hour in the morning.

I am sure that I am going to need his help with all the scheduling and things. There are some upcoming events in which I look at and wish that I did, indeed, have a Time-turner. Ah, well.

With the advent of all these things happening, I note that once again, the march of Seasons is upon me. Summer seemed to dance right past me, barely giving me the time of day. Fall has settled in and I am wearing sweaters and thinking about hot cocoa. Before I know it, Halloween will have passed by and then I burrow myself in for another long Winter. And then, it's Spring again and then Summer.

Wait a minute. That's going on at an awfully fast clip, isn't it?

The boys are not babies anymore, nor are they really little guys, either. One is in middle school and the other is in his last year of elementary school and before I know it, I will have two strapping teenage sons in the house. It boggles the mind and makes the heart ache.

I am, as always, grateful for the chance to see these changes take place before my very eyes. I watch my boys grow and am amazed at the wonderfulness I see each and every day. There are moments of not so much wonderfulness, of course...and the teen age flares have started.

Overall, though, it's been quite the journey and one that I'm very happy to be a part of.

Still. Going to school full time, raising two great guys, being in a relationship with my Awesome Guy, spending time with friends and Chosen Family and maybe, just maybe, finding time for me....

Yes. A case of whiskey, please.



K.

Nolite te Bastardes Carborundorum

That, dear hearts, translates to "don't let the bastards grind you down."

I got that from the book, "Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. That is exactly what got me through a lot of bad stuff and when I was thinking of my next tattoo, I knew exactly what I wanted.

On my lower back, I have those words inscribed. An elegant Celtic knot is the backdrop. It took the entire length of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" to get it inked. I know because I watched the whole movie from opening credits to closing credits when I got my ink done.

It is one of my most favourite tattoos. I'm happy to show it to people, if they wish to see it.

I was reminded of it this past week in a most not fun way.

Back when I was in my early twenties, I was in a relationship that wasn't healthy or good for me. I was very young in many ways and my bipolar was beyond control. That was also when I went into the hospital for a bit to try and get things put back together (and also, to stave off a suicide attempt) and that was when I learned that abuse is much more subtle than I thought it ever could be.

I call this boyfriend the boyfriend-rapist and I think I'll leave it at that. I learned that rape is not about sex. It's all about power and control and it didn't matter that he "loved" me or that he was "sorry" afterwards. It didn't seem to stop him after say, the second one and after that, it took some time for me to get the strength to leave.

Even then, the last time I saw him was when he was leaving for another state and wanted me to come with him. I refused. That was when the last rape happened. I was, quite frankly, happy that he was gone.

So this past week, I'm waiting for class and who do I see walking down the hall past me? Ah, yes. Him. Older, of course...still skinny with long hair like I remembered. He looked at me and looked away and kept walking. I stared after him, trying to figure out if this really was him or maybe it was someone who just *looked* like him. I've been known to make these sorts of mistakes.

But I found out that it was him. He's going to the same college I'm going to.

My advisor called someone at the school to see what they think I should do about this situation, now that this man is on campus, and also around when I'm going to one of my own night classes.

He asked me if I was going to leave the school. I looked at him and said, "No. No, I have things to do. I have a plan and a dream and the desire and if I leave, he wins again. I'm not leaving. HE can leave." I further told him that as long as he leaves me alone, I'll leave him alone. My advisor commended me on my non violent solution.

I bared my teeth at him in a polite smile. "Well, see, if he DOES try and mess with me, that's when the non violent part ends. The police will be involved and it won't end well...for him."

My Awesome Guy isn't very happy about this situation at all. No, my precious, not one bit. Not that I blame him. He doesn't like the thought of me in the same building as this man. He doesn't like the possibility that I might be in danger again. Nor is he especially happy to know some of the memories I have and know that it's taken me a few days to get my head back to a better place.

PTSD, my friends, is not any fun. I have spent the last few days shutting doors to memories that I have mostly put away. Sometimes, I have nightmares and that's no fun. It's been nice to not have had those in a while.

Still. I'm getting over being freaked out by this and reminding myself that it's different now. I'm a different person in a different place. I'm not who I was back then.

And I'm not going to let this particular bastard get me down.


K.

In which Yoga shows me a thing or two....

So this semester, I am taking Yoga class.

This will be easy, thinks I. This won't be hard at all, thinks I.

Hah hah. Hah.

It is an amazingly fun class but hard. I became aware of my body in ways I never had before and it was a bit humbling to not be able to hold the "tree" pose for longer than 15 seconds at a time.

My teacher told the class that we could tuck our leg up against our thighs if we so wished. Right. I was just happy to not fall over. But I did manage to at least keep my leg tucked up near my knee.

With Yoga class, I have also discovered the joys of yoga pants. I like them. They're soft. Plus, they stretch. And they feel good. It's nice to change into them when I've worn other fabric all day that isn't as soft or comfortable.

I'm to log online this weekend and go through a couple of videos and then post my observations for discussion.

The good thing about this is that I'm going to be doing these poses at home instead of with my fellow students so I can embarrass my lack of flexibility just to my own damn self.

The bad thing is I have to actually TALK about it. "Well, when I didn't have to call 911 to help untangle me from my pose, it actually felt good...."

I can see why people do Yoga, though. It is eminently satisfying to feel my body stretch out and to breathe in and out deep truly demonstrates that I simply can't be stressed out. Deep breathing through my nose and down through my belly and then out back through my nose makes me concentrate on breathing. Not on the thoughts that have been running through my mind so crazy like.

No, it's just me and my breathing and I do feel like a child again, very much aware of my body and how it's working with me.

The Yoga itself is neat. I breathe and do the poses and my mind empties. I'm not thinking....I'm doing Yoga and breathing and at the end of the session, I feel pretty good.

I'm hoping to be more flexible when I'm done with Yoga and I'm thinking of taking Yoga at the Y on a more regular basis. I think it would be good for me to continue doing this.

I think it'll keep my life in sync and in balance and that's pretty cool. It's those benefits and the health benefits that outweigh the initial cost to practice Yoga.

And I get to keep wearing those stretchy, comfy Yoga pants.

It's a win win situation as far as I can see.


K.