I'm trying to figure out my schedule in the near future and as far as I can tell, I think I need the following.
1. One time-turner
2. One DeLorean
3. One bottle of strong whiskey
Right now, things are going fine, things are steady...I am doing pretty well as far as getting things together is concerned.
And then, mid October, my next class starts. This bumps up my college time to insane and my work time to somewheres in there and homework time and such...well, it kind of grows, too. FEED ME, SEYMOUR!!!
On top of that, I have the schedules and doings of my two great sons and that includes orchestra, cub scouts, boy scouts, their homework, get togethers with friends and family time. Oh, and two weekends a month with their father.
Did I say just one bottle of whiskey?
Luckily, I do have a Secret Weapon at my disposal. This would be, of course, my Awesome Guy. This week, he took my oldest son to school when I had to be at work at an ungodly hour in the morning.
I am sure that I am going to need his help with all the scheduling and things. There are some upcoming events in which I look at and wish that I did, indeed, have a Time-turner. Ah, well.
With the advent of all these things happening, I note that once again, the march of Seasons is upon me. Summer seemed to dance right past me, barely giving me the time of day. Fall has settled in and I am wearing sweaters and thinking about hot cocoa. Before I know it, Halloween will have passed by and then I burrow myself in for another long Winter. And then, it's Spring again and then Summer.
Wait a minute. That's going on at an awfully fast clip, isn't it?
The boys are not babies anymore, nor are they really little guys, either. One is in middle school and the other is in his last year of elementary school and before I know it, I will have two strapping teenage sons in the house. It boggles the mind and makes the heart ache.
I am, as always, grateful for the chance to see these changes take place before my very eyes. I watch my boys grow and am amazed at the wonderfulness I see each and every day. There are moments of not so much wonderfulness, of course...and the teen age flares have started.
Overall, though, it's been quite the journey and one that I'm very happy to be a part of.
Still. Going to school full time, raising two great guys, being in a relationship with my Awesome Guy, spending time with friends and Chosen Family and maybe, just maybe, finding time for me....
Yes. A case of whiskey, please.
K.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Nolite te Bastardes Carborundorum
That, dear hearts, translates to "don't let the bastards grind you down."
I got that from the book, "Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. That is exactly what got me through a lot of bad stuff and when I was thinking of my next tattoo, I knew exactly what I wanted.
On my lower back, I have those words inscribed. An elegant Celtic knot is the backdrop. It took the entire length of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" to get it inked. I know because I watched the whole movie from opening credits to closing credits when I got my ink done.
It is one of my most favourite tattoos. I'm happy to show it to people, if they wish to see it.
I was reminded of it this past week in a most not fun way.
Back when I was in my early twenties, I was in a relationship that wasn't healthy or good for me. I was very young in many ways and my bipolar was beyond control. That was also when I went into the hospital for a bit to try and get things put back together (and also, to stave off a suicide attempt) and that was when I learned that abuse is much more subtle than I thought it ever could be.
I call this boyfriend the boyfriend-rapist and I think I'll leave it at that. I learned that rape is not about sex. It's all about power and control and it didn't matter that he "loved" me or that he was "sorry" afterwards. It didn't seem to stop him after say, the second one and after that, it took some time for me to get the strength to leave.
Even then, the last time I saw him was when he was leaving for another state and wanted me to come with him. I refused. That was when the last rape happened. I was, quite frankly, happy that he was gone.
So this past week, I'm waiting for class and who do I see walking down the hall past me? Ah, yes. Him. Older, of course...still skinny with long hair like I remembered. He looked at me and looked away and kept walking. I stared after him, trying to figure out if this really was him or maybe it was someone who just *looked* like him. I've been known to make these sorts of mistakes.
But I found out that it was him. He's going to the same college I'm going to.
My advisor called someone at the school to see what they think I should do about this situation, now that this man is on campus, and also around when I'm going to one of my own night classes.
He asked me if I was going to leave the school. I looked at him and said, "No. No, I have things to do. I have a plan and a dream and the desire and if I leave, he wins again. I'm not leaving. HE can leave." I further told him that as long as he leaves me alone, I'll leave him alone. My advisor commended me on my non violent solution.
I bared my teeth at him in a polite smile. "Well, see, if he DOES try and mess with me, that's when the non violent part ends. The police will be involved and it won't end well...for him."
My Awesome Guy isn't very happy about this situation at all. No, my precious, not one bit. Not that I blame him. He doesn't like the thought of me in the same building as this man. He doesn't like the possibility that I might be in danger again. Nor is he especially happy to know some of the memories I have and know that it's taken me a few days to get my head back to a better place.
PTSD, my friends, is not any fun. I have spent the last few days shutting doors to memories that I have mostly put away. Sometimes, I have nightmares and that's no fun. It's been nice to not have had those in a while.
Still. I'm getting over being freaked out by this and reminding myself that it's different now. I'm a different person in a different place. I'm not who I was back then.
And I'm not going to let this particular bastard get me down.
K.
I got that from the book, "Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. That is exactly what got me through a lot of bad stuff and when I was thinking of my next tattoo, I knew exactly what I wanted.
On my lower back, I have those words inscribed. An elegant Celtic knot is the backdrop. It took the entire length of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" to get it inked. I know because I watched the whole movie from opening credits to closing credits when I got my ink done.
It is one of my most favourite tattoos. I'm happy to show it to people, if they wish to see it.
I was reminded of it this past week in a most not fun way.
Back when I was in my early twenties, I was in a relationship that wasn't healthy or good for me. I was very young in many ways and my bipolar was beyond control. That was also when I went into the hospital for a bit to try and get things put back together (and also, to stave off a suicide attempt) and that was when I learned that abuse is much more subtle than I thought it ever could be.
I call this boyfriend the boyfriend-rapist and I think I'll leave it at that. I learned that rape is not about sex. It's all about power and control and it didn't matter that he "loved" me or that he was "sorry" afterwards. It didn't seem to stop him after say, the second one and after that, it took some time for me to get the strength to leave.
Even then, the last time I saw him was when he was leaving for another state and wanted me to come with him. I refused. That was when the last rape happened. I was, quite frankly, happy that he was gone.
So this past week, I'm waiting for class and who do I see walking down the hall past me? Ah, yes. Him. Older, of course...still skinny with long hair like I remembered. He looked at me and looked away and kept walking. I stared after him, trying to figure out if this really was him or maybe it was someone who just *looked* like him. I've been known to make these sorts of mistakes.
But I found out that it was him. He's going to the same college I'm going to.
My advisor called someone at the school to see what they think I should do about this situation, now that this man is on campus, and also around when I'm going to one of my own night classes.
He asked me if I was going to leave the school. I looked at him and said, "No. No, I have things to do. I have a plan and a dream and the desire and if I leave, he wins again. I'm not leaving. HE can leave." I further told him that as long as he leaves me alone, I'll leave him alone. My advisor commended me on my non violent solution.
I bared my teeth at him in a polite smile. "Well, see, if he DOES try and mess with me, that's when the non violent part ends. The police will be involved and it won't end well...for him."
My Awesome Guy isn't very happy about this situation at all. No, my precious, not one bit. Not that I blame him. He doesn't like the thought of me in the same building as this man. He doesn't like the possibility that I might be in danger again. Nor is he especially happy to know some of the memories I have and know that it's taken me a few days to get my head back to a better place.
PTSD, my friends, is not any fun. I have spent the last few days shutting doors to memories that I have mostly put away. Sometimes, I have nightmares and that's no fun. It's been nice to not have had those in a while.
Still. I'm getting over being freaked out by this and reminding myself that it's different now. I'm a different person in a different place. I'm not who I was back then.
And I'm not going to let this particular bastard get me down.
K.
Friday, September 10, 2010
In which Yoga shows me a thing or two....
So this semester, I am taking Yoga class.
This will be easy, thinks I. This won't be hard at all, thinks I.
Hah hah. Hah.
It is an amazingly fun class but hard. I became aware of my body in ways I never had before and it was a bit humbling to not be able to hold the "tree" pose for longer than 15 seconds at a time.
My teacher told the class that we could tuck our leg up against our thighs if we so wished. Right. I was just happy to not fall over. But I did manage to at least keep my leg tucked up near my knee.
With Yoga class, I have also discovered the joys of yoga pants. I like them. They're soft. Plus, they stretch. And they feel good. It's nice to change into them when I've worn other fabric all day that isn't as soft or comfortable.
I'm to log online this weekend and go through a couple of videos and then post my observations for discussion.
The good thing about this is that I'm going to be doing these poses at home instead of with my fellow students so I can embarrass my lack of flexibility just to my own damn self.
The bad thing is I have to actually TALK about it. "Well, when I didn't have to call 911 to help untangle me from my pose, it actually felt good...."
I can see why people do Yoga, though. It is eminently satisfying to feel my body stretch out and to breathe in and out deep truly demonstrates that I simply can't be stressed out. Deep breathing through my nose and down through my belly and then out back through my nose makes me concentrate on breathing. Not on the thoughts that have been running through my mind so crazy like.
No, it's just me and my breathing and I do feel like a child again, very much aware of my body and how it's working with me.
The Yoga itself is neat. I breathe and do the poses and my mind empties. I'm not thinking....I'm doing Yoga and breathing and at the end of the session, I feel pretty good.
I'm hoping to be more flexible when I'm done with Yoga and I'm thinking of taking Yoga at the Y on a more regular basis. I think it would be good for me to continue doing this.
I think it'll keep my life in sync and in balance and that's pretty cool. It's those benefits and the health benefits that outweigh the initial cost to practice Yoga.
And I get to keep wearing those stretchy, comfy Yoga pants.
It's a win win situation as far as I can see.
K.
This will be easy, thinks I. This won't be hard at all, thinks I.
Hah hah. Hah.
It is an amazingly fun class but hard. I became aware of my body in ways I never had before and it was a bit humbling to not be able to hold the "tree" pose for longer than 15 seconds at a time.
My teacher told the class that we could tuck our leg up against our thighs if we so wished. Right. I was just happy to not fall over. But I did manage to at least keep my leg tucked up near my knee.
With Yoga class, I have also discovered the joys of yoga pants. I like them. They're soft. Plus, they stretch. And they feel good. It's nice to change into them when I've worn other fabric all day that isn't as soft or comfortable.
I'm to log online this weekend and go through a couple of videos and then post my observations for discussion.
The good thing about this is that I'm going to be doing these poses at home instead of with my fellow students so I can embarrass my lack of flexibility just to my own damn self.
The bad thing is I have to actually TALK about it. "Well, when I didn't have to call 911 to help untangle me from my pose, it actually felt good...."
I can see why people do Yoga, though. It is eminently satisfying to feel my body stretch out and to breathe in and out deep truly demonstrates that I simply can't be stressed out. Deep breathing through my nose and down through my belly and then out back through my nose makes me concentrate on breathing. Not on the thoughts that have been running through my mind so crazy like.
No, it's just me and my breathing and I do feel like a child again, very much aware of my body and how it's working with me.
The Yoga itself is neat. I breathe and do the poses and my mind empties. I'm not thinking....I'm doing Yoga and breathing and at the end of the session, I feel pretty good.
I'm hoping to be more flexible when I'm done with Yoga and I'm thinking of taking Yoga at the Y on a more regular basis. I think it would be good for me to continue doing this.
I think it'll keep my life in sync and in balance and that's pretty cool. It's those benefits and the health benefits that outweigh the initial cost to practice Yoga.
And I get to keep wearing those stretchy, comfy Yoga pants.
It's a win win situation as far as I can see.
K.
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