It's been a rough few days.
I'll try and put in some good things here because I don't want to be all Dark and everything but...
It's been a rough few days.
My Awesome Guy said, "It never really goes away." and he's right. I've been emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted, and I had a rather intense therapy session this evening, with my Awesome Guy in attendance.
Triggers are fascinating things. All by themselves, they're innocuous. But as any person who has PTSD or have gone through some trauma, add, mix, and BOOM!
I don't know how other people deal with their triggers blowing them out of the water, but I can tell you I hang on for dear life. It's like being on one of those extreme rides at the Fair...the ones that have you upside down and inside out and are fast and disorientating. I see the people on these rides and some of them are hanging on with white knuckles, screaming all the while. I hear you, pals, I hear you.
I have never been on one of those rides; they scare the living poo out of me, to be honest. I have a young son who absolutely *loves* thrill rides and those rides beckon to him with all the allure of the daredevil thrills and chills the ride promises. He's gone on rides that have me doing the screaming meemies from THE GROUND. Watching on terra firma and gazing upwards at him, seeing him *laugh*. Insanity, I tells you. :)
But this. The strong, subconscious side of me (which I have named Bear) has blocked any dreams. Dreams that are also triggering for me have been, somehow, set aside. I have dreamt odd dreams the past couple of nights but not the dreams I'd feared dreaming. I wake up with relief that I didn't have to relive those memories. Instead, I am *exhausted* physically and emotionally, I've been in a free for all.
I have cried way too much the past couple of days. Tears well up in my eyes for no reason at all and I assure my sons that it isn't them and that yes, hugs and kisses for their momma is plenty appreciated. I have received many hugs and kisses and that's helped a lot.
I am grateful for my Awesome Guy's understanding. He knows what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling and he holds me while I cry and he lets me scream out my rage and he expresses his own feelings about the triggers and what's happened to make me feel so fragile and unsafe.
I'm safe in my house, true. But I'm as fragile as a leaf in the wind. I cringe around strangers. I don't want to be around people I don't know and don't trust and when I picked up pizza for dinner tonight, I retreated to the corner to wait for my order. I noted that I was where no one could come up behind me, I could watch all around me and my back was protected. Check, check, and check.
This will pass, of course. It will fade away and I'll be less hesitant. But right now, while the emotions and the memories threaten to overwhelm me, I'll take care of myself so that it passes all the quicker.
To that end, I drink cups of tea in my Christmas gift tea cup from someone I Love very much. I listen to music. I read. I sleep a lot. I am fortunate that I have this week to rest and that I don't have to pretend that I'm OK. Because I'm not OK.
I will be, though. I am strong, resilient, and I will bounce back and be my old self once more.
Until then, though, I'm going to be easy on myself and forgive myself for having a hard time with past hurts and memories and those goddamn films that roll through my head when I let my guard down.
Enough.
K.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year's!
Ye gods.
It is now 2011. The year before the HUGE Apocalypse. Either that or the Mayans were really referring to some rave party that will involve everyone on the planet getting snorkled on organic mushrooms and waving glo sticks around.
Holla!
*cough*
Maybe. I am not worrying about it, though. Ignore the 50 cases of bottled water in the corner.
It's occurred to me that I haven't been writing like I've wanted to. There has been so much goodness to talk about and to share and I have been remiss. I apologize.
I started college full time this past fall and let me tell you, THAT was a revelation and a half. I have been out of school for 20 years....longer than I had been *in* school and I discovered a few things about myself this time around.
1. I am a piss poor student when I'm bored. I don't turn my papers in on time or do the assignments on time or just...generally, say, what the hell?? And let it go.
2. When I really like a class, I go for broke. There has to be balance and the balance is that I prepare like mad and do my presentations like my life depended upon it.
3. I will never ever EVER take a phy ed course that involves online work ever AGAIN. NOT EVER. It was pretty awful. I took yoga this past fall and for some reason, it also included online work. yeah, take reason number 1, add my disdain and utter lack of time management at the worst moments and stir. "BOOM!" as Ivanova said.
Despite failing Yoga (yes, yes, I did and it's a one credit class and I've learned invaluable things so hush), I managed to earn a 3.0 GPA. yeah, that's me, Ms. Powerhouse, reason Number 2.
I worked really hard in my other classes and so that helped buoy my overall grades.
Now. Spring semester is starting up in another week or two. I am taking the following:
College Writing II
Math for Idiots (that's what *I* am calling it...more on this in a moment)
Health
Intro to Sociology
OK, mon chats. So college writing II is going to be fun, I hope. Math for Idiots is the math for people who can't take even the first year's course of college level math. I freely admit that I'm one of those people to whom math and hard science just doesn't work. I have a certain quirk in which I can remember what's going on IN CLASS. I can write it all down and make notes and then, when I come home to do the homework, I open the notes and look at gibberish. *sigh* I'm not stupid, I know this. I just can't retain it.
Don't tell me it's because I'm not trying hard enough or I swear to god, I'll fucking BRAIN you. After 6 YEARS of math in middle school and high school, I know what's ticking and what isn't, thanksmuch. Math isn't my forte. That's OK.
Thankfully, I will have a tutor who will come over and help me and also I can call her and she will explain stuff over the phone and the light will hopefully go on again. Seeing as this is pre-algebra, it shouldn't be too hard.
That plus my eldest son is doing that math right now. He's doing fine in it and so....yes, if push comes to shove, I can ask my 13 year old to help his mother with her math assignments. Ah, the ignominy.
As for Health class, it's a requirement that I plan on getting through with as much grace as possible. I hope it's going to be interesting. We'll see.
And Intro do Sociology sounds good. I need it for what I'm going to school for so you can bet I'll be paying strict attention.
We'll see.
The other wild card factor is my depression. It gets worse in the winter and this winter, during the first part, it was pretty darn awful. Adding to it was the death of someone I love and cared for and that was more than enough to send me straight to my bed, not moving and certainly not going to class. (this explains the Yoga grade).
I tried to reorganize my classes better this time around, making sure I'm going to school in "blocks", ie, Tuesday and Thursday classes. That way, I can get it all done in one day instead of spread out. That ought to make it easier.
Also, if I'm falling behind because I'm fighting my Illness, I'm going to have a private meeting with my professor and explain what's going on. No excuses, of course...but being able to say, look....I'm falling apart here and I don't want to do poorly in this class but I am unable to cope well....I should have done that LAST semester but pride is a funny thing.
It cost me a decent grade in one class and I'd rather not repeat that.
It's all a learning process...and going to college is much more about learning and writing papers. It's about growing up and coping with every day life.
For me, going to college, going back to college, is a vindication. I've always known that I could do it...it just...took encouragement and support...and here I am, doing it. Going to school. Getting some pretty good grades. Learning stuff.
I will be occupied, of course, with Life. I am, after all, a mother and that's my first priority. I have two wonderful sons who are in their pre-teen and teen years and I want to be there for them, to help them navigate through those choppy waters.
I am going to be a wife, although quite frankly, I all ready feel married to my Awesome Guy but that still means I take time for him and for us.
And I have to take time for ME. I have to keep an eye on my Illness and make sure that when it flares, I can do what needs to be done to keep me on task, balanced, and able to get through the worst of it with minimal damage to my emotional state.
I think 2011 is going to be a really great year. It's a year of changes and a year of discovery. It will be a year of achievement and hard work and determination.
I know not everything is going to be easy this year. There were some very hard things that have happened recently that have broke my heart and I am getting through it with the Love and support of those around me. I am most fortunate in my Chosen family and friends.
2011 is going to fly by...I know this.
And darn it...I need to write regularly, school schedule and Life be damned. I need to record it all as it passes like quicksilver through my fingers and gleams so very briefly in the dark.
K.
It is now 2011. The year before the HUGE Apocalypse. Either that or the Mayans were really referring to some rave party that will involve everyone on the planet getting snorkled on organic mushrooms and waving glo sticks around.
Holla!
*cough*
Maybe. I am not worrying about it, though. Ignore the 50 cases of bottled water in the corner.
It's occurred to me that I haven't been writing like I've wanted to. There has been so much goodness to talk about and to share and I have been remiss. I apologize.
I started college full time this past fall and let me tell you, THAT was a revelation and a half. I have been out of school for 20 years....longer than I had been *in* school and I discovered a few things about myself this time around.
1. I am a piss poor student when I'm bored. I don't turn my papers in on time or do the assignments on time or just...generally, say, what the hell?? And let it go.
2. When I really like a class, I go for broke. There has to be balance and the balance is that I prepare like mad and do my presentations like my life depended upon it.
3. I will never ever EVER take a phy ed course that involves online work ever AGAIN. NOT EVER. It was pretty awful. I took yoga this past fall and for some reason, it also included online work. yeah, take reason number 1, add my disdain and utter lack of time management at the worst moments and stir. "BOOM!" as Ivanova said.
Despite failing Yoga (yes, yes, I did and it's a one credit class and I've learned invaluable things so hush), I managed to earn a 3.0 GPA. yeah, that's me, Ms. Powerhouse, reason Number 2.
I worked really hard in my other classes and so that helped buoy my overall grades.
Now. Spring semester is starting up in another week or two. I am taking the following:
College Writing II
Math for Idiots (that's what *I* am calling it...more on this in a moment)
Health
Intro to Sociology
OK, mon chats. So college writing II is going to be fun, I hope. Math for Idiots is the math for people who can't take even the first year's course of college level math. I freely admit that I'm one of those people to whom math and hard science just doesn't work. I have a certain quirk in which I can remember what's going on IN CLASS. I can write it all down and make notes and then, when I come home to do the homework, I open the notes and look at gibberish. *sigh* I'm not stupid, I know this. I just can't retain it.
Don't tell me it's because I'm not trying hard enough or I swear to god, I'll fucking BRAIN you. After 6 YEARS of math in middle school and high school, I know what's ticking and what isn't, thanksmuch. Math isn't my forte. That's OK.
Thankfully, I will have a tutor who will come over and help me and also I can call her and she will explain stuff over the phone and the light will hopefully go on again. Seeing as this is pre-algebra, it shouldn't be too hard.
That plus my eldest son is doing that math right now. He's doing fine in it and so....yes, if push comes to shove, I can ask my 13 year old to help his mother with her math assignments. Ah, the ignominy.
As for Health class, it's a requirement that I plan on getting through with as much grace as possible. I hope it's going to be interesting. We'll see.
And Intro do Sociology sounds good. I need it for what I'm going to school for so you can bet I'll be paying strict attention.
We'll see.
The other wild card factor is my depression. It gets worse in the winter and this winter, during the first part, it was pretty darn awful. Adding to it was the death of someone I love and cared for and that was more than enough to send me straight to my bed, not moving and certainly not going to class. (this explains the Yoga grade).
I tried to reorganize my classes better this time around, making sure I'm going to school in "blocks", ie, Tuesday and Thursday classes. That way, I can get it all done in one day instead of spread out. That ought to make it easier.
Also, if I'm falling behind because I'm fighting my Illness, I'm going to have a private meeting with my professor and explain what's going on. No excuses, of course...but being able to say, look....I'm falling apart here and I don't want to do poorly in this class but I am unable to cope well....I should have done that LAST semester but pride is a funny thing.
It cost me a decent grade in one class and I'd rather not repeat that.
It's all a learning process...and going to college is much more about learning and writing papers. It's about growing up and coping with every day life.
For me, going to college, going back to college, is a vindication. I've always known that I could do it...it just...took encouragement and support...and here I am, doing it. Going to school. Getting some pretty good grades. Learning stuff.
I will be occupied, of course, with Life. I am, after all, a mother and that's my first priority. I have two wonderful sons who are in their pre-teen and teen years and I want to be there for them, to help them navigate through those choppy waters.
I am going to be a wife, although quite frankly, I all ready feel married to my Awesome Guy but that still means I take time for him and for us.
And I have to take time for ME. I have to keep an eye on my Illness and make sure that when it flares, I can do what needs to be done to keep me on task, balanced, and able to get through the worst of it with minimal damage to my emotional state.
I think 2011 is going to be a really great year. It's a year of changes and a year of discovery. It will be a year of achievement and hard work and determination.
I know not everything is going to be easy this year. There were some very hard things that have happened recently that have broke my heart and I am getting through it with the Love and support of those around me. I am most fortunate in my Chosen family and friends.
2011 is going to fly by...I know this.
And darn it...I need to write regularly, school schedule and Life be damned. I need to record it all as it passes like quicksilver through my fingers and gleams so very briefly in the dark.
K.
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