Sunday, November 28, 2010

Gratitude

I need to give credit where credit is due.

There are times when I find it hard to function. The Darkness has a hold of me and I can't think and it just *hurts* and I hold on the best I can.

During those times, my Awesome Guy takes care of me. He makes sure I eat. (when I have the appetite to eat). He makes sure I am feeling safe, especially because I most often don't during those times. He protects me and comforts me and when I cry, he holds me.

He stands in front of anything that could hurt me and allows me the time I need to mend myself, to heal the hurts deep inside.

It is a precious gift and one that is pretty impossible to pay back.

When I'm feeling well again, I return the favour as best I can. I think he's pretty Awesome in all ways and I'm not shy about telling him or anyone else. I think he's pretty wonderful and I'm pretty lucky. I'll say that to anyone who will listen.

It's hard being the person who holds things together. I've been in that situation and while Rome is burning, there's no time for fiddling.

All the while, I'm watching the person I Love hurt and it's agonizing.

But.

It's important for me to let them heal, it's important for me to let them do their work. Becoming a healthy, whole person is a ginormous task in and of itself and it must be done by the person who is working towards it. I can't do it for that person.

But I can be there for this person and hold the one candle in the Darkness. I'm here as a beacon.

And this is what my Awesome Guy does for me. He knows I fight as hard as I can to find my way back to him. He holds that candle and I find my way back, even though I feel lost and sick at heart...I know if I reach towards him, I'll find my way.

Thank you for being the light in the Dark. I know it's hard, sometimes. I know it can be frustrating and sometimes resentment and anger can build up, too. That's understandable.

But you've never given up on me, even when I'm about ready to give up on myself. You've told me I'm beautiful and wonderful and everything you've ever wanted, when I feel ugly and pathetic and worthless.

To all of you who watch over and take care of your hurting Loved ones...thank you. You are a light in the dark, a blazing beacon when the Dark threatens to overwhelm.

Thank you.

K.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Winter's Journey- A Poem

I have tried to sum up my thoughts best I can. This is on the fly but it will do, I think.



I walk along the path near the lake.
Crystal quiet with the snow glistening on the trees.
I can hear the rustle of the branches as the wind winds through.
I can see the frost form delicate lace upon any surfaces available.
My breath leaves traces of steam in the air.

The beauty of the winter heart moves my sluggish blood.
I appreciate the wonder of the cruel neutrality which offers no mercy.
Tis the cry of the desolate I hear.

The path is worn by the tread of tires and feet.
I can see the pebbles through the ice and snow, textures that rub against my boots.
My mittens are warm and fuzzy and stick with the snow.
The scarf around my neck is beacon red and keeps the chill from my throat.

I can see where the lake has broken through the ice.
The water is dark as diamonds in the moonlight, as pearls beneath the surface of the moon.
I can see bits of ice dash against the edges, blurring into slush.

My first step is breathtaking cold and I exhale all the warmth I had.
Water fills my boots and numbs my ankles along the way to my heart.
By the time I reach my thighs, I feel nothing but the cold erasing the agony inside.
It is Winter's Maiden returned to self and my hair transforms into ice and strands of crystal beads.

I take a final look up through the surface, glints of sunlight turning the blue into prisms of azure.
I am the mermaid, the selkie, the wanderer returned home.
There are no regrets to my Journey back to where I came.
My last thoughts are of you. And you. And Love and loss.
I kiss you through the waves.


K.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Stretching the Heart

Grief is an odd thing.

It comes and goes as it pleases and there really is no rhyme or reason to it. I have thought that I was over someone or something only to find that hearing a song, smelling a scent, or seeing the silhouette of a figure brings those emotions to the surface again, swelling and breaking like water against the rocks.

I won't say that it doesn't hurt because it does. Grief is meant to make one aware of their losses and it would be someone who was too numb to care who wouldn't feel the pain of assessing the losses when the memories echo.

I find that I would rather grieve than turn off all my emotions. I risk nothing by doing so. I feel nothing in return. Sometimes, it's good to take a break from the pain and the sadness. There's only so much stretching a person's heart can do before it takes a toll and I don't blame anyone for needing to step back, to disassociate from the hurt for a while.

But it's too damn dangerous to stay that way. Becoming numb and frozen can be addicting. Some people never thaw their emotions. They choose to see everything from behind a shield. But.

No pain, no gain as they say and there is so much to gain by feeling fully what life has to offer.

There is Love. There is joy. There is giddiness. There is that lightning bolt that comes from nowhere and gives inspiration. There is relief so gripping that it narrows all sensation down to sweat and breath. There is tenderness so pure it makes one gasp.

I am grieving right now. I have lost a wonderful person in my life and it will take some time for me to feel like "me" again. Admittedly, I'm a little numb because my first instinct is to shut down and get through it and then, later on, open things up bit by bit and heal.

And that's OK. I do it my way and others do it theirs. I won't stay numb forever. I've done that before and while it does protect me, it also limits me and I won't be limited by anything, thanks.

For now, grief is a quiet companion that reminds me that the price for Loving is losing, sometimes. That life doesn't last forever so it's very important to Love the ones who are here and to honour the ones who have gone on.

And most importantly, grief allows me to grow inside. It stretches my heart and deepens my commitment to those I Love and so I am, oddly, grateful for grief.

I need a little time and I'll be OK. I will keep on Loving and caring and supporting...that won't stop just because I need to also grieve.

A quiet time is all I need.


K.